DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a full-time graduate student, my schedule lends itself to more flexibility than those of my four roommates, who are all working professionals. Consequently, I have been asked to take them to airports and train stations (for both work and personal reasons) at nearly all hours of the day and night.

Usually, I comply with their requests. One time I even took a roommate to the train station at 3 a.m.

I've noticed that when I ask for a favor, no one seems to help, for reasons having little to do with scheduling. In fact, I've become upset over their reluctance to help me out. However, I am beginning to think that my reasons for being irritated are more than a little self-centered. After all, transporting people to and from the airport is something I chose to do as their friend, and they made no promises of reciprocation.

Yet I also would like for them to help me when I need it. I guess, Miss Manners, I need you to set my attitude to rights, and to reinforce that my gift of help was just that -- a gift.

GENTLE READER: Usually, it is youngsters who, having been told to write letters of thanks to their grandmothers, argue that giving becomes impure if there is any expectation of a duty in return. You are generous to apply this idea to yourself.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners does not buy it.

Civilization is based on the idea of reciprocity. It can't always be exactly calculated or timed, and allowances are made for circumstances and individual ability. If children reciprocate the care their parents take of them, it is apt to be decades later.

People with limited resources get full credit for reciprocating whether or not their hospitality and presents are as lavish as what they are given.

But a system by which some people always give and others never give back does not work. Whether you wish to continue doing favors for these ingrates is not for Miss Manners to say. But she can tell you that you are justified in resenting their attitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before another Thanksgiving comes and goes, please tell me how to use my gravy boats. I have two: one with my good china that has an attached dish/plate at the bottom and a spout; and the other with my everyday dishes that has a spout but no attached plate.

Am I to pour from the spout with each one? Or am I to use some sort of spoon? And if I use the spoon, then what? Do I put this spoon in the boat or on the attached dish. And what if the gravy boat is passed?

GENTLE READER: The chief idea here is not to spread the gravy around -- around the tablecloth, around your guests' laps, or around the laps of the guests sitting next to them.

So while a footed gravy boat with a spout does not require a gravy ladle or an under-liner, Miss Manners recommends both for thick gravies and thick-fingered diners.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the proper response to a homeowner's admonition to "just ignore the mess" when entering her home? "OK!" seems insulting; "What mess?" is phony; and "Mine's a lot worse" is transparent and self-deprecating.

GENTLE READER: When there is no right answer, polite people smile. Head tilted to one side, please, and no teeth showing.

Miss Manners assures you that this can convey either sympathy for the universal human problem of keeping things neat or amusement that anyone would apologize for a basically orderly house -- depending on which interpretation the homeowner prefers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a formal invitation to a distant relation's black-tie evening wedding, but, unable to afford the attire for such an event, we chose not to attend.

However, the invitation's response card had only selections for what we would like to eat at the reception, and no place where we could let the couple know that we would not be attending. We were under the impression that when there is no option on the invitation to decline the event, then not returning the card tells the couple that we will not be attending.

Later, I received a frantic call from the bride's mother asking whether we would be attending and what we wanted to eat. My husband's family thought we were wrong not to respond immediately to say we wouldn't be attending.

Should I have written a note on the response card declining, but offering our best wishes? Or were my husband and I correct that in such a situation no response is a "No, thank you"?

This type of invitation (without a means to decline) is common for this branch of the family, and it is not the first phone call from them to confirm events. I know I am supposed to respond with the same method as the invitation, but since they generally do not provide a means to decline, and do not agree that no response means "No, thank you," should I telephone them instead? I do not wish to appear like I am snubbing them. Please tell me, what is the proper way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: May a despairing Miss Manners plead that you, and the many others who declare themselves baffled by formal invitations, apply a modicum of common sense to the situation?

If so, you would surely realize that:

1. Every invitation, no matter how formal or how casual, requires a response. Silence is both uninformative and rude. It is, as you say, a snub.

2. Responding is the obligation of the person who was invited, even if the host (probably out of bitter experience with noncompliance) tries to help by issuing reminders, deadlines or cards.

3. Responding in kind means that a written invitation is answered in writing, a telephoned invitation by telephone, and so on. So unless you are unable to put your hands on a pen, a piece of paper and a stamp, you do not lack the means of responding. And even then, some response, say by telephone, would be better than none at all.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: To my chagrin, I learned that the erstwhile object of my affections has given me a lovely memento, also known as a social disease. Additional tests are pending to ensure that there is no true cause for alarm. It is an unwelcome but extremely effective cure for a broken heart.

What is the proper way to alert him to this fact, as he will also need treatment? Must I do this in person? He is abroad for another week. My disgust is such that without your guidance, I have awful visions of denouncing his infidelity or blurting out bad puns.

GENTLE READER: Do not do that. Repeat: not.

It is not only that you want to remain a lady, even when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman. This is especially true when dealing with someone who is not a gentleman and who knows a great deal of personal information about you.

Miss Manners recommends that you inform him in writing, so you are not tempted to say more than you should. E-mail will not do, because it so easily goes astray -- and can be forwarded. Also, you need to be able to tear up your first 10 drafts so that the one you send is simple, factual and decently worded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need an effective reply to a person (usually a potential suitor in whom I'm not wildly interested) who asks for my time by saying, "How does your calendar look?" or the closely related, "What are you doing next Saturday?" Obviously, I can't say that my calendar is booked until the end of time, nor do I want to give away the fact that my Saturday is free, only to discover that the invitation is to help sharpen lawnmower blades all day. And because neither question is a true invitation, I can't say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested" without sounding a little strange.

I've tried sighing and saying, "Oh, whew, I'm just so busy lately!" but it doesn't work. My most persistent friend is patient and keeps pressing until I finally say, "Well, I'm free the first Saturday in December," and then I throw the phone across the room after we hang up.

Would you please remind people of the polite way to ask for someone's time, and provide me with a way out of this all-too-frequent dilemma?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, even people you might like to see have no business asking what you are doing before issuing an invitation. This is the social equivalent of asking for a signature on a blank check. In a person who must suspect that you are avoiding him, it is all the more reprehensible.

So you need a polite equivalent of "Not if I see you first."

That would be to say that your schedule is "crowded," and, if pressed, to say, or rather whine, "I just can't make any new engagements now."

Should someone whom you might want to see pose the question, Miss Manners recommends saying, "There is too much I should be doing -- but what were you thinking?" If the specific invitation is to help paint his barn, you can appear to think for a minute before saying, "No, I'd love to, but I really shouldn't."

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