DEAR MISS MANNERS: Suppose one was a gentleman invited to a formal dinner party. One arrives at the appointed time, checks the seating chart in the hallway, picks up his tiny envelope and finds the name of his dinner partner on a card inside, and dutifully ignores her all through drinks.

Then, the butler (or gong) calls for dinner. Does a gentleman then seek out his dinner partner and escort her into the dining room, or should he escort his own escort into the dining room, leaving her to attend to his dinner partner's chair? I don't suppose this will be imperative to know at most of the parties to which I'll go this year, but one never knows.

GENTLE READER: No, one never knows, which, Miss Manners supposes, is why we all rush to get the mail. Some day, among the catalogues and bills, there will be a creamy envelope with an engraved invitation to dinner, and one should be prepared.

A gentleman's duty to the lady with whom he arrives consists of handing her out of the car, opening all doors in her way, helping her out of her coat, taking her through the receiving line, seeing that she is served a drink, and making sure that she has found people with whom to talk.

Then -- nothing until he reverses the procedure, parks her glass, helps her back on with her coat and so on. A dinner party should not be mistaken for a restaurant or club, where a couple goes to enjoy each other's company.

His duty to his dinner partner is first, as you point out, to avoid her. The idea is not to use up the supply of mutually interesting topics prematurely, because he will be talking to her for half the rest of the evening regardless.

He should manage to find her and introduce himself just before being called to dinner. He may give her his arm to escort her in. Having perused the seating chart, he will lead her to her place without having to lean over and squint at the place cards, push in her chair and pick up her evening bag, which has slid off her lap.

Meanwhile, his own lady will have been looked after by her own dinner partner. The original couple's shared fun comes after the party, when they will have twice as much gossip to giggle over as they would have had if they had unsociably stuck together.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when eating in a coffee shop restaurant where paper napkins are used?

I put it beside my plate when the meal is finished. My friend said she had been told to put it on the empty plate. To me it looks awful to have a soiled napkin on top of a soiled plate.

GENTLE READER: Actually, it is not a soiled napkin so much as a bit of paper trash. But if we are to pretend that it is a napkin, as Miss Manners supposes we must in the absence of decent linen, you have identified the proper place for it to be placed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm an old guy - 60 -- and as guys we don't want to be invited to or attend office wedding and baby showers. In my day, these were by and for women.

Fine. If they like them, go for it.

But we don't like them, and we don't want to go to them. We all complain about it among ourselves, but none of us has the testosterone-makers to tell the women at the office to leave us off the guest list.

How do we get the message out? Stop the madness. Leave us guys out!

GENTLE READER: Trust Miss Manners: You don't want to make this a gender issue.

Not unless your idea of manly fun is to have the shower contingent challenge the sensitivity of your feelings toward your female colleagues at tender moments in their lives. Plus, they are bound to point out to you that as many males as females get married and have children.

But wait. Miss Manners has a plan to strengthen your case.

Make it a workplace issue. The case you should make is that personal celebrations -- which includes birthdays as well as marriages and births -- should not be celebrated in the office. Unlike retirement or promotion parties, they do not relate to work matters and should be celebrated with friends on their own time. Colleagues who have become friends will presumably want to be involved, but those with merely a working relationship should not be conscripted.

Yes, there will be those who protest at your heartlessness. But the gentlemen are already on your side, and you will be joined by those ladies who are tired of donating money, being tempted to eat cake and having their work interrupted for social celebrations on behalf of people with whom they have no real social relationship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my closest friends has three girls 13, 10 and 6 in age. When we get together, whether at a home or in public, her kids act out. Screaming, crying, yelling, doing spit balls in a restaurant.

The parents sometimes try to discipline them, but then they just end up giving in, making the rest of the parents very upset. It seems like they want the rest of us to discipline but then don't support that when it happens, or they end up mad at us for stepping in.

It has gotten to the point that people do not want to be with them if they have their children. You just cannot have a good time when the kids are around.

So some of us have started doing things without them and without them knowing, since they would be very upset that they were left out. The adults are fun to be with, but the children are in your face and eating over the food; they just do not have any manners. What is a good friend to do?

GENTLE READER: Let the parents figure out why they are being left out.

Miss Manners does not suggest this to be cruel. On the contrary: She wants to save the children from a lifetime of the social exclusion that is the result of being unfamiliar with the concept of tempering one's feelings out of consideration of others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently sent me a link to a Web site with information about her niece and her intended who are getting married six months from now.

The backfield was crimson. The print and wedding-theme logos were white. There was a grid of nine boxes to click, pulling up different windows listing dates, events, accommodations, attendants, guest book and bridal registries for which the engaged couple had signed up.

There was a box marked "photo album," which, if clicked, pulled up a slide show of family photos. There was a box "about us" which, if clicked, pulled up a photo of the couple and prose about who they are and how they met.

I thought the Web site looked so high tech as to seem like a promo for an upcoming theatrical release. I thought it vulgar -- perhaps a bad joke. And it could be somewhat exclusionary in light of possible older family members who are not computer and Internet savvy.

I asked a couple of friends if they had ever seen such a wedding announcement Web site; only one had.

Is this a new trend? Is the romance gone from weddings in the name of slick merchandizing of the couple hoping to take in a truckload of gifts? Does one assume there will be a prenuptual agreement, too? It is all so show-biz. I'd enjoy knowing what you think about it.

GENTLE READER: In the years immediately preceding the wedding Web site (which is now common, although your circle has been fortunate enough to miss it), invitations sent by mail were so stuffed with directions, hotel choices and sightseeing opportunities that the marriage seemed like merely one choice of amusements among many.

For that reason, Miss Manners would consider the Web site a useful improvement. But that is only until she looks at what is stuffed into it.

The unlimited space on the Internet seems to have turned everyone into the person no one wants to sit next to on the airplane. And beyond the widespread general desire to pour out their lives and thoughts to all and sundry, lovers are notoriously susceptible to believing that they are the center of the universe and the envy of all.

Of course, they are influenced by show business. Do you think the couple has spent that long engagement gazing at each other? They have been working on the set, the costumes, the make-up, the props and the extras (that's you, the wedding guests).

So they not only create the promo but include a sort of illustrated fan magazine story about themselves.

True, it is not in the best of taste. But kindhearted people are inclined to indulge them in this on the grounds that they are not, at this moment of their lives, in their right minds.

And it is useful to have the map and the hotel list, and easy to make printouts for the computer-less.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my mother's house, I was just hanging out and having a drink, which I was slurping. When my mother realized I was slurping, she said it was rude to slurp -- but we did not have any company. I know it is rude to slurp in public, but is it rude to slurp in private?

GENTLE READER: No, but you were not in private. You were in the company of your mother.

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