DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to the rampant trend of people soliciting gifts and charging cover fees for birthday parties?

One month, I had two party invitations for the same night. The first was a 30th birthday party with a minimum $35 cover for coffee, tea, and three hors d'eurves I could not eat (I'm a vegetarian), and $50 to attend a later performance. When I RSVPed that I could not attend because it was a bit pricey, the organizer (a friend of the b-day girl) sniped at me that it was quite a bargain.

The other party that night was a house-warming/40th birthday party for a high-earning friend who has everything she and her high-earning, live-in boyfriend could need.

This weekend, I am attending a bridal shower for a 35-year-old friend who is about to have her second wedding to a well-to-do man, with whom she already lives. The wedding follows in a week or two.

Both of these invitations specified where they were registered.

I think all this mandating of presents is utterly crude -- not to mention not applicable to their life stage or status. These are intelligent people who should be capable of deflecting consumer programming and seeing the crassness of their behavior -- or are they?

A co-worker thinks I need to recruit new friends. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Good luck in finding them. The self-celebration, complete with self-selected material tributes but guest sponsorship, is, as you say, rampant.

The only way this crude practice will stop is if the targets refuse to cooperate.

Miss Manners suggests that you make a start by declining such invitations. This does not require an explanation or excuse, only a conventional expression of regret that you will be unable to attend. If you send your congratulations and good wishes to your friends, it may eventually become clear that your objection is not to them but to their form of entertainment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the social director for my department in grad school. This means that I have a small budget with which to throw parties and other events for the grad students in my major. This is fine and so far the parties have gone well.

Once in a while, a student will bring along their significant other or favorite professor, who I have served with the rest of my guests. In small numbers, this is manageable, but how do I subtly remind them that these events are for grad students only?

I would like to accommodate everyone, but I cannot afford it. Also, what do I say to others who ask if they can bring guests after this ad hoc precedent has been set?

GENTLE READER: Subtlety is a lovely quality, but it is not always the most effective method of getting information across. Or even the most polite one, if it leaves your guests in doubt.

Bringing along a professor to a department party, or even a friend, is not quite equal to the crime of bringing unexpected guests to a private party, and goodness knows there is a lot of that going on.

Here it strikes Miss Manners as a simple misunderstanding. You should say when you announce the party that it is only for the graduate students themselves, and answer queries with an apology that you are unfortunately unable to accommodate others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found myself pregnant about five months ago and since then have had question after question about my relationship. My child's father and I are not "officially" dating or married, but we have been together for about four years.

I have had friends and total strangers come up and ask me, "Are you guys going to get married?" and "What does he think about the baby?" In addition, I have had friends of a friend tell me I am damaged goods when I have never met this person.

I feel hurt and disrespected. How do I tell my friends to be more discreet and ward off the annoying questions?

GENTLE READER: Curiosity is no excuse for such intrusiveness, which is why Miss Manners is not inquiring how it is possible to find oneself pregnant by someone whom one has not dated. Or who the official is in charge of deciding whether or not people are dating.

As these questions should not be asked, they should also not be answered. You must practice looking astonished and affronted while saying, "I beg your pardon!" This is a useful phrase that means the opposite of what the words say, and is the proper reaction to nosy questions from strangers and blatant insults from anyone.

Friends who blurt out the wrong thing may be offered a way to retreat. If the reminder, "I'm sure you meant to congratulate me" or "I know you must be happy for me" does not send them scurrying backward, you go back to "I beg your pardon." Only then you pronounce it more in sadness than anger, which is why Miss Manners has omitted the exclamation mark.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Notoriously stingy acquaintances (the type who do not pay their share of restaurant or bar tabs, reciprocate dinner parties with potluck events, and once even brought their own bottle of expensive Scotch to a large party and asked us keep it away from the other guests) invited my partner and me, along with another couple, to their house for brunch.

The day before, the hosts called to suggest we go out for brunch instead, because their house was too messy to entertain. We laughed it off as typical, but after brunch, to everyone's surprise, they actually offered to pick up the tab since they had originally invited us to brunch at their home.

My partner and another guest insisted we split the bill three ways. Would it have been acceptable to allow the hosts to pay?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but not because they owe you; rather, they should be allowed to pick up the check because they invited you.

Miss Manners understands that no one loves a deadbeat, although you seem to have tolerated these people for quite a while. But it is also wrong to usurp the declared privilege of one's host. This time they behaved correctly and your companions' offer, however generously meant, sabotaged their attempt to fulfill their hostly duty. Let us hope this does not encourage them to return to their former ways.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I retired four years ago, it has been my daily habit to take my newspaper to a coffee shop and drink coffee while I read. Occasionally, someone asks me to watch their laptop computer while they step away from their table. The first time it happened, the laptop was on a table directly behind me, and I would have had to pivot to watch it, and of course not be able to read. I declined her request with a "No," and she told me I was the meanest person she had ever met and something horrible would eventually happen to me. Needless to say, this experience was disconcerting. So I changed my tactic for succeeding requests and explained that although I would keep an eye on the laptop, I wouldn't intervene if someone came and snatched it. Thus, I was offering to interrupt my reading for their request, but not risk my own safety and well-being to confront a thief.

On the whole, this response hasn't been well received either, although one woman explained she read that merely making the request improves the statistics the laptop will not be stolen regardless of whether the person left behind actually watches it or not.

I'm at a loss to know how to respond to these requests politely and without giving offense, and I'm not sure the extent of my social obligations to guard a stranger's laptop computer in a public space upon request.

GENTLE READER: It's odd that people will ask strangers to protect their belongings from -- well, from strangers. This is common even in airports, where they fail to connect it with the security question of whether their luggage has been out of their hands.

Miss Manners agrees that you do not have to comply or even to supply a reason. But she insists that you respond politely. If you say, "I'm so sorry, but I can't," you might get a more benign response from someone who assumes you are about to leave. Probably not from the person who tried to put a curse on you, but from decent people.

Or you could say gently, "Sorry, but I'm not trustworthy." Because you are too engrossed in your book, of course; not that you are the one who should be watched.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and I have a disagreement about who should receive a thank you note.

He joined his girlfriend's family on a vacation when they were given the use of a beautiful house by a work acquaintance of the husband. I contend that my son needs only thank the family who invited him and not the owner of the house. The owner of the house gifted the use of it to the family and my son was their guest. He says both should be thanked. What is the correct etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not absolutely require a letter in such a case. But it strictly forbids parents from ever discouraging their children from writing thank you letters. Miss Manners suggests that you think of it as his giving his hosts another present -- that of hearing their benefactor say, "What a polite young man your daughter is seeing."

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