DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found myself pregnant about five months ago and since then have had question after question about my relationship. My child's father and I are not "officially" dating or married, but we have been together for about four years.

I have had friends and total strangers come up and ask me, "Are you guys going to get married?" and "What does he think about the baby?" In addition, I have had friends of a friend tell me I am damaged goods when I have never met this person.

I feel hurt and disrespected. How do I tell my friends to be more discreet and ward off the annoying questions?

GENTLE READER: Curiosity is no excuse for such intrusiveness, which is why Miss Manners is not inquiring how it is possible to find oneself pregnant by someone whom one has not dated. Or who the official is in charge of deciding whether or not people are dating.

As these questions should not be asked, they should also not be answered. You must practice looking astonished and affronted while saying, "I beg your pardon!" This is a useful phrase that means the opposite of what the words say, and is the proper reaction to nosy questions from strangers and blatant insults from anyone.

Friends who blurt out the wrong thing may be offered a way to retreat. If the reminder, "I'm sure you meant to congratulate me" or "I know you must be happy for me" does not send them scurrying backward, you go back to "I beg your pardon." Only then you pronounce it more in sadness than anger, which is why Miss Manners has omitted the exclamation mark.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Notoriously stingy acquaintances (the type who do not pay their share of restaurant or bar tabs, reciprocate dinner parties with potluck events, and once even brought their own bottle of expensive Scotch to a large party and asked us keep it away from the other guests) invited my partner and me, along with another couple, to their house for brunch.

The day before, the hosts called to suggest we go out for brunch instead, because their house was too messy to entertain. We laughed it off as typical, but after brunch, to everyone's surprise, they actually offered to pick up the tab since they had originally invited us to brunch at their home.

My partner and another guest insisted we split the bill three ways. Would it have been acceptable to allow the hosts to pay?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but not because they owe you; rather, they should be allowed to pick up the check because they invited you.

Miss Manners understands that no one loves a deadbeat, although you seem to have tolerated these people for quite a while. But it is also wrong to usurp the declared privilege of one's host. This time they behaved correctly and your companions' offer, however generously meant, sabotaged their attempt to fulfill their hostly duty. Let us hope this does not encourage them to return to their former ways.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I retired four years ago, it has been my daily habit to take my newspaper to a coffee shop and drink coffee while I read. Occasionally, someone asks me to watch their laptop computer while they step away from their table. The first time it happened, the laptop was on a table directly behind me, and I would have had to pivot to watch it, and of course not be able to read. I declined her request with a "No," and she told me I was the meanest person she had ever met and something horrible would eventually happen to me. Needless to say, this experience was disconcerting. So I changed my tactic for succeeding requests and explained that although I would keep an eye on the laptop, I wouldn't intervene if someone came and snatched it. Thus, I was offering to interrupt my reading for their request, but not risk my own safety and well-being to confront a thief.

On the whole, this response hasn't been well received either, although one woman explained she read that merely making the request improves the statistics the laptop will not be stolen regardless of whether the person left behind actually watches it or not.

I'm at a loss to know how to respond to these requests politely and without giving offense, and I'm not sure the extent of my social obligations to guard a stranger's laptop computer in a public space upon request.

GENTLE READER: It's odd that people will ask strangers to protect their belongings from -- well, from strangers. This is common even in airports, where they fail to connect it with the security question of whether their luggage has been out of their hands.

Miss Manners agrees that you do not have to comply or even to supply a reason. But she insists that you respond politely. If you say, "I'm so sorry, but I can't," you might get a more benign response from someone who assumes you are about to leave. Probably not from the person who tried to put a curse on you, but from decent people.

Or you could say gently, "Sorry, but I'm not trustworthy." Because you are too engrossed in your book, of course; not that you are the one who should be watched.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and I have a disagreement about who should receive a thank you note.

He joined his girlfriend's family on a vacation when they were given the use of a beautiful house by a work acquaintance of the husband. I contend that my son needs only thank the family who invited him and not the owner of the house. The owner of the house gifted the use of it to the family and my son was their guest. He says both should be thanked. What is the correct etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not absolutely require a letter in such a case. But it strictly forbids parents from ever discouraging their children from writing thank you letters. Miss Manners suggests that you think of it as his giving his hosts another present -- that of hearing their benefactor say, "What a polite young man your daughter is seeing."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone you know has a death in the family, I always believed an appropriate response was ,"I am sorry for your loss" or simply, "I am so sorry."

On more than one occasion, the response to this condolence has been "It's not your fault."

The times this has happened, it is very upsetting, but I have remained quiet, red face and all, so as not to upset an already grieving friend. It feels as if the condolence is being thrown back in your face.

Why is this some people's response, and what is the best way to respond?

GENTLE READER: This is, indeed, an untoward and off-putting remark, when the only reply needed is a simple "Thank you."

Miss Manners is as puzzled as you about why people respond as you noticed. Are they feeling blame for the death elsewhere and reassuring you that you are not a suspect? Are they reacting automatically because they associate the phrase "I'm sorry" with people who bump into them accidentally?

In any case, the effect is as if they are rejecting your sympathy because their misfortune is none of your concern.

But you do not want to quibble with the newly bereaved. By way of drawing them back to your meaning, you might say gently, "No, of course not, but I want to offer you my sympathy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One is usually advised not to announce a pregnancy until it is a couple of months along. How, then, should one respond to well-meaning friends and relatives who ask knowingly about why one is suddenly no longer drinking wine?

GENTLE READER: "I don't care for any just now, thank you." Miss Manners assures you that it is not necessary to say, "Because the last time I drank, it got me into trouble."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a gentle reader of a large newspaper, I have been observing what I think is a fairly new phenomenon, but one that seems to be on the rise. That is the practice of parents announcing a daughter's engagement by prefacing "announce" with such adverbs as joyfully or happily. Another variation is "are pleased to announce."

There was even an engagement acknowledgement where the giddy parents announced their "favorite daughter's" engagement. Guess this does not bode well for any other unmarried daughters. How will their engagements be announced: "Joyfully announce the engagement of our least favorite daughter?"

Will Miss Manners please comment on the appropriateness or lack therof?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners didn't even care for the traditional formal announcement, which stated that the parents were honored (or rather, honoured) to make the announcement. The parents' emotions on this occasion, even the conventional and restrained ones of feeling honored, seem, well, a trifle defensive. We assume that they approve of the marriage, or they would have locked their daughter in her room.

Bursting out with their unrestrained joy, especially these days, smacks of relief. One conjures them thanking God that someone finally came along for their daughter, or that the father of their grandchildren finally proposed.

As for the favorite daughter part, Miss Manners can only hope that it was a grammatical error on the part of people who have only one daughter.

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