DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I retired four years ago, it has been my daily habit to take my newspaper to a coffee shop and drink coffee while I read. Occasionally, someone asks me to watch their laptop computer while they step away from their table. The first time it happened, the laptop was on a table directly behind me, and I would have had to pivot to watch it, and of course not be able to read. I declined her request with a "No," and she told me I was the meanest person she had ever met and something horrible would eventually happen to me. Needless to say, this experience was disconcerting. So I changed my tactic for succeeding requests and explained that although I would keep an eye on the laptop, I wouldn't intervene if someone came and snatched it. Thus, I was offering to interrupt my reading for their request, but not risk my own safety and well-being to confront a thief.

On the whole, this response hasn't been well received either, although one woman explained she read that merely making the request improves the statistics the laptop will not be stolen regardless of whether the person left behind actually watches it or not.

I'm at a loss to know how to respond to these requests politely and without giving offense, and I'm not sure the extent of my social obligations to guard a stranger's laptop computer in a public space upon request.

GENTLE READER: It's odd that people will ask strangers to protect their belongings from -- well, from strangers. This is common even in airports, where they fail to connect it with the security question of whether their luggage has been out of their hands.

Miss Manners agrees that you do not have to comply or even to supply a reason. But she insists that you respond politely. If you say, "I'm so sorry, but I can't," you might get a more benign response from someone who assumes you are about to leave. Probably not from the person who tried to put a curse on you, but from decent people.

Or you could say gently, "Sorry, but I'm not trustworthy." Because you are too engrossed in your book, of course; not that you are the one who should be watched.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and I have a disagreement about who should receive a thank you note.

He joined his girlfriend's family on a vacation when they were given the use of a beautiful house by a work acquaintance of the husband. I contend that my son needs only thank the family who invited him and not the owner of the house. The owner of the house gifted the use of it to the family and my son was their guest. He says both should be thanked. What is the correct etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not absolutely require a letter in such a case. But it strictly forbids parents from ever discouraging their children from writing thank you letters. Miss Manners suggests that you think of it as his giving his hosts another present -- that of hearing their benefactor say, "What a polite young man your daughter is seeing."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone you know has a death in the family, I always believed an appropriate response was ,"I am sorry for your loss" or simply, "I am so sorry."

On more than one occasion, the response to this condolence has been "It's not your fault."

The times this has happened, it is very upsetting, but I have remained quiet, red face and all, so as not to upset an already grieving friend. It feels as if the condolence is being thrown back in your face.

Why is this some people's response, and what is the best way to respond?

GENTLE READER: This is, indeed, an untoward and off-putting remark, when the only reply needed is a simple "Thank you."

Miss Manners is as puzzled as you about why people respond as you noticed. Are they feeling blame for the death elsewhere and reassuring you that you are not a suspect? Are they reacting automatically because they associate the phrase "I'm sorry" with people who bump into them accidentally?

In any case, the effect is as if they are rejecting your sympathy because their misfortune is none of your concern.

But you do not want to quibble with the newly bereaved. By way of drawing them back to your meaning, you might say gently, "No, of course not, but I want to offer you my sympathy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One is usually advised not to announce a pregnancy until it is a couple of months along. How, then, should one respond to well-meaning friends and relatives who ask knowingly about why one is suddenly no longer drinking wine?

GENTLE READER: "I don't care for any just now, thank you." Miss Manners assures you that it is not necessary to say, "Because the last time I drank, it got me into trouble."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a gentle reader of a large newspaper, I have been observing what I think is a fairly new phenomenon, but one that seems to be on the rise. That is the practice of parents announcing a daughter's engagement by prefacing "announce" with such adverbs as joyfully or happily. Another variation is "are pleased to announce."

There was even an engagement acknowledgement where the giddy parents announced their "favorite daughter's" engagement. Guess this does not bode well for any other unmarried daughters. How will their engagements be announced: "Joyfully announce the engagement of our least favorite daughter?"

Will Miss Manners please comment on the appropriateness or lack therof?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners didn't even care for the traditional formal announcement, which stated that the parents were honored (or rather, honoured) to make the announcement. The parents' emotions on this occasion, even the conventional and restrained ones of feeling honored, seem, well, a trifle defensive. We assume that they approve of the marriage, or they would have locked their daughter in her room.

Bursting out with their unrestrained joy, especially these days, smacks of relief. One conjures them thanking God that someone finally came along for their daughter, or that the father of their grandchildren finally proposed.

As for the favorite daughter part, Miss Manners can only hope that it was a grammatical error on the part of people who have only one daughter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently a senior in high school, which means I have been through 12 years of public school with a consistent etiquette issue -- that of fundraising.

In my school experience, we were always handed glossy brochures and large, pre-printed envelopes with the instruction to sell the lackluster goods to relatives, neighbors, our parents' friends and co-workers, and even to teachers. I usually demur and offer to pay my own dues for whatever club or field-trip, because I was taught not to ask people for money, which is, in essence, what fundraising is.

Usually the heads of such fundraising efforts tell me to get over myself, and I end up buying a lot of useless things in order to avoid bothering people. I am also intensely awkward saying no whenever I am asked to buy overpriced chocolates and candles to support someone else's extra curriculars.

Is fundraising of this sort rude or not? If it is not, you can, of course, also tell me to get over myself. If it is indeed rude, I would appreciate any tips you have for dealing with these situations.

GENTLE READER: Yes, no matter how well intentioned and for how good a cause, embarrassing people into buying things they don't want is rude. Good intentions do not justify bad behavior.

But nor does your recognizing the rudeness excuse you from recognizing the need from which it mistakenly sprang. That you should refrain from buying or selling over-priced goods is reasonable. That you should disdain supporting the activities of your school on behalf of those who cannot pay dues for them is selfish.

You could do your school an important service by suggesting alternative fund-raising methods. If you research the profit allocations of the company that supplies the merchandise, you may find that the school gets a disproportionately small share. Using the labor and talents of students -- whether in old-fashioned bake sales, car washes and concerts, or at something more innovative -- may turn out to be more profitable. And selling useful services is not rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when receiving a knife as a gift? I always was told that the receiver of the knife was to pay the giver a penny or other monetary sum so as not to sever the relationship.

Now I have been to a few bridal showers lately and am being told that the giver is to give the receiver the penny as well as the knife. The latter doesn't make sense to me. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Superstitions are not supposed to make sense. The idea behind this one is, as you realize, that the knife is bought (for a penny) because to give and accept it would indicate the wish to sever the relationship.

But what if you bring such a present, with all warm wishes, to your dear friend who is getting married -- and she doesn't happen to have change? Should you quickly return the dress you bought to wear to her wedding, since by that time, you are likely to be enemies?

Or, to ward off this calamity, should you give her another present -- a penny -- at the same time, so that she is sure to have change and will not have to re-do the seating chart at her wedding dinner?

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