DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I recently entertained some family members at our home, a small gathering of 12 people. My wife's uncle brought his girlfriend he's been seeing for several months and that I met one time very briefly a couple of months ago.

When I greeted the girlfriend upon her arrival, I shook her hand. As the evening progressed, I got to know her better. When it was time for her and the uncle to leave, I wasn't sure if should shake her hand goodbye or if it was appropriate to give her a kiss on the cheek. It was rather awkward for me. What would've been the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: To wait to see what the lady would do. If she put out her hand, you should have shaken it; if she offered her cheek, you should have kissed it, or rather the air close to it.

Admittedly, greeting gestures are in a state of chaos at the moment. But Miss Manners assures you that there is no rule requiring you to grab your wife's uncle's girlfriend on short acquaintance. You surely could not have gotten to know her that intimately at a family gathering of a dozen people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever my closest friend asks for something, I usually do my best to lend it to her, whether it is food, money or anything else.

What's the problem? She never keeps track of what she owes me.

She will borrow money and forget to pay me back. Rarely does she pay me back with cash; instead, she will buy me something, like a movie ticket, but it will always cost less than the money I gave to her.

To make matters worse, she never carries around her own cash, so whenever we go to a restaurant, I always have to foot the bill. Finally (though there are other problems), whenever we decide to pay for something together, she will always pay for the cheaper items.

I have tried to confront her about this situation before, but she would not listen. She even told me that true friends do not keep track of what they owe each other. The second time I tried to talk to her, she got so upset that she did not talk to me for a while.

We have been friends for eight years and plan on being roommates next year. I do not want to lose this relationship over something like this. I do not know what to do.

GENTLE READER: Stay up all night guarding your possessions. Or resign yourself to supporting her.

Miss Manners appreciates your affection for your friend despite that person's lack of consideration for you. Her own harshness arises from the telling fact that your friend not only refuses to discuss the matter, but rebuffed your attempts to do so with astonishing rudeness. Otherwise, you might have had a sympathetic discussion about what each of you can afford and reached a solution, such as finding less expensive quarters and having cheaper outings, so that her financial restraints would not create a burden for you.

It is true that etiquette has polite ways of jostling people of good will into realizing that they have transgressed. But when someone has repeatedly demonstrated herself to be impervious to the claims of friendship, gratitude and decency, no tactful hint is going to change her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older sister has been babysitting the daughter of two good friends of my family for over two and a half years now; the girl is almost 5 years old. When my sister got a job and became busier, she passed along the job to me. The child has a school assignment, and I am to be her assistant in the project, which is rather like a re-enactment. I don't know how to phrase this except that her parents are expecting me to write her assignment for her, since she isn't old enough to understand how to prepare it or what she would be preparing.

Since she is the one who will be graded for its preparation and not me, my conscience would bother me if I were to essentially do the work for her. How can I tell her parents without sounding harsh or unkind?

GENTLE READER: By telling them that you can't do the work because you are interested in childhood development, you have gotten fond of little Madison, and you believe she is bright.

And now bear with Miss Manners while she explains why these are legitimate reasons.

The purpose of schooling, even kindergarten, is not to get the projects done; the purpose is to educate the children. When a child's homework is done for her, she does not learn whatever it is that the project was designed to teach. But she does learn, loud and clear, that she need not exert herself, because she can get other people to do her work for her.

If she cannot understand the assignment, either she is not keeping up with the class or the work is, as you suggest, too hard for her age group. In either case, the matter should be brought to the attention of the teacher.

Turning in someone else's work and expecting to get an education is like expecting to be diagnosed and cured by a doctor to whom you have given someone else's bodily samples.

You will put this more gently when you tell the parents, Miss Manners trusts. But apparently it is a lesson many parents need to learn. Teachers tell her that in the upper grades, they commonly receive homework that was obviously done by an adult. It makes them wonder why parents want to trust their children to educators who think those teachers too dumb to be able to tell the difference.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are planning an engagement party for our daughter and her fiance this summer. Is it rude to enclose a registry list with the engagement party invitation?

We were married 25 years ago. We planned our wedding in three months and never registered for our wedding.

Now we have four wonderful daughters and would like to give them a little more than what we could do for ourselves at the time. Can you help us?

GENTLE READER: By chipping in?

If you have the kind wish of giving your daughters more than you had when you were married, there is nothing to prevent you from doing so. Miss Manners would hope that a modicum of sense and taste would prevent you from giving what you can beg from others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an appropriate/standard time for Sunday dinner?

We have been rotating Sunday dinner in the family starting between 4:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. It has been suggested that 3:30 pm is the typical time. I say that it's too early and people will just get hungry around 7 p.m.

The theory is that if Sunday dinner is prepared by noon, then a family can nibble from it all day, having a sit-down dinner at 3:30 and then nibbles later.

My feeling is that the result will be overeating and that one should have three distinct meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

GENTLE READER: Are you a family of mice, that you must nibble all day? Nowadays, this is not uncommon, Miss Manners realizes. But others are more apt to report the habit as grazing, which makes them...

Never mind. Although Miss Manners does not address health issues, she agrees about the necessity for proper meals, because they are the centerpieces of a civilized life, featuring such delightful (but now endangered) practices as conversation and table manners.

Dinner by daylight on Thanksgiving and Christmas and, for some, on Sundays, is a holdover from earlier times. Eating the main meal during the day was the general rule well into the 19th century. It varied from before noon until dusk, and kept getting later and later over the centuries.

But the issue here should not be when a mid-day Sunday meal is traditionally served, so much as when your family is not so ravished as to gobble and wolf the food before it gets to the table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am six months pregnant, and my doctor has told me that it is perfectly OK to drink up to 1 cup of coffee a day. I was used to drinking 3 to 4 cups every morning, so I have had to gradually cut down on my intake.

The problem I've encountered, now that it's obvious to others that I am pregnant, is that when I visit my local coffee house to order my morning cup, I receive concerned (and sometimes dirty) looks from customers when they see me with my coffee. Once, the girl working behind the counter asked "Would you like decaf?" when I placed my order.

I find this to be very rude, as it should not be anyone's concern but mine. These people do not know that my doctor has given me the "OK" to have a cup of regular coffee now and then; they are making judgments based on what they hear from others about pregnancy and caffeine intake.

It's not as if I'm at a bar ordering a shot of tequila, but you would think so, judging by the looks on their faces. How should I respond (if at all)?

GENTLE READER: Do not forget that, basically, we want society to be concerned about the children of strangers. At least to the extent of paying taxes for schools.

But Miss Manners realizes that this offers little comfort to expectant mothers who are relentlessly being poked, frightened or scolded, as they so often are.

Were that the case, you would be justified in delivering a cold, "So kind of you to take an interest" and turning away. But you cannot respond to mere looks and you should not be looking for insult. The person behind the counter may not be able to see over it to that far down.

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