DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there an appropriate/standard time for Sunday dinner?

We have been rotating Sunday dinner in the family starting between 4:30 p.m. and 5:30 p.m. It has been suggested that 3:30 pm is the typical time. I say that it's too early and people will just get hungry around 7 p.m.

The theory is that if Sunday dinner is prepared by noon, then a family can nibble from it all day, having a sit-down dinner at 3:30 and then nibbles later.

My feeling is that the result will be overeating and that one should have three distinct meals of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

GENTLE READER: Are you a family of mice, that you must nibble all day? Nowadays, this is not uncommon, Miss Manners realizes. But others are more apt to report the habit as grazing, which makes them...

Never mind. Although Miss Manners does not address health issues, she agrees about the necessity for proper meals, because they are the centerpieces of a civilized life, featuring such delightful (but now endangered) practices as conversation and table manners.

Dinner by daylight on Thanksgiving and Christmas and, for some, on Sundays, is a holdover from earlier times. Eating the main meal during the day was the general rule well into the 19th century. It varied from before noon until dusk, and kept getting later and later over the centuries.

But the issue here should not be when a mid-day Sunday meal is traditionally served, so much as when your family is not so ravished as to gobble and wolf the food before it gets to the table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am six months pregnant, and my doctor has told me that it is perfectly OK to drink up to 1 cup of coffee a day. I was used to drinking 3 to 4 cups every morning, so I have had to gradually cut down on my intake.

The problem I've encountered, now that it's obvious to others that I am pregnant, is that when I visit my local coffee house to order my morning cup, I receive concerned (and sometimes dirty) looks from customers when they see me with my coffee. Once, the girl working behind the counter asked "Would you like decaf?" when I placed my order.

I find this to be very rude, as it should not be anyone's concern but mine. These people do not know that my doctor has given me the "OK" to have a cup of regular coffee now and then; they are making judgments based on what they hear from others about pregnancy and caffeine intake.

It's not as if I'm at a bar ordering a shot of tequila, but you would think so, judging by the looks on their faces. How should I respond (if at all)?

GENTLE READER: Do not forget that, basically, we want society to be concerned about the children of strangers. At least to the extent of paying taxes for schools.

But Miss Manners realizes that this offers little comfort to expectant mothers who are relentlessly being poked, frightened or scolded, as they so often are.

Were that the case, you would be justified in delivering a cold, "So kind of you to take an interest" and turning away. But you cannot respond to mere looks and you should not be looking for insult. The person behind the counter may not be able to see over it to that far down.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to offer to be a surrogate mother? We have some dear friends who have tried almost everything to have a baby. They don't have any family closer than a three-day drive and I'm sure would want to be physically close to the person carrying their child.

We've known them for years, and they've been there to help us with each of our children. Is there a polite way to offer? We've discussed with them their desire for children and their frustration at their infertility.

GENTLE READER: Suppose they decline? Wouldn't it be hard not to take that personally?

There are so many supposable emotional landmines in this situation -- not only now but ever after, should such an offer be accepted -- that Miss Manners' question might seem trivial. But this is the first one to handle, and perhaps a test of the delicacy that such a relationship would require.

Because these are old and close friends who have confided in you, it would not be untoward of you to inquire whether they would consider a surrogate mother. Not you (yet) but any. If they say yes, the next question is whether they would want it to be someone with whom they had a continuing relationship. Then you might want to discuss how they think it might work. And only then, if you find that your ideas about this are compatible, do you say that you would consider it.

The idea here is not to be coy, but to allow everyone to back off without suffering or causing embarrassment when it is merely a theoretical discussion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I inquired if I could join a friend on a trip she was taking with her sister and two others, her response was that she "would have to see if there was room for me" and "this trip is not cheap."

I am asking if I was wrong to ask her to accompany her on this trip and also clarify my interpretation of her response to me. It pretty much seemed clear to me that she did not want me to go, and I also didn't know that I was low on the totem pole in our group of friends, apparently. Please help me to understand.

GENTLE READER: It is nice that you asked your friend whether you could come along on a trip she had already planned instead of just popping up with your luggage.

It is not so nice that you decided that the only acceptable answer would be, "Sure, come along, we'll start re-booking everything to include you."

Why is it so hard to understand that even a valued friend might not fit into every trip?

If you want to travel with this lady, Miss Manners suggests that you organize the next trip and invite her along. You will discover that it is quite different for five people to travel together than four, no matter where they are on the totem pole.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a waiter in a casual brunch-and-dinner restaurant. On a couple of occasions, patrons have left payment for their bill as well as their phone numbers.

My wife thinks this is an indication that I am being overly friendly to these women. Before you ask, yes, I always wear my wedding band. How can I convince my wife that I am not encouraging these advances?

GENTLE READER: Have you tried not announcing these events to her?

Miss Manners is not advocating your keeping secrets from your wife. It was the way you told her that aroused that lady's suspicions. Had you said, "I don't understand why some customers leave their telephone numbers when they're not paying by check -- and oddly enough, it is always women," your wife would have hugged you, saying, "Oh, you poor innocent dear."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that it is correct to respond to an invitation by the same means as the invitation was issued -- to wit: by telephone to a telephoned invitation; by e-mail to an e-mail invitation; by paper and pen to a mailed invitation.

But what is the protocol for responding to a mailed invitation that instructs recipients to reply by e-mail to a Web site?

My husband and I recently received such an invitation to a political consciousness/fund-raising gathering sponsored by long-time acquaintances at their home. Immediately, as soon as I opened the mail and realized that we would not be able to attend (nor really care to), I replied by e-mail to the Web site address specified for responses.

Still, I had a faint, nagging sense that I should also reply with pen and paper by mail. That seemed a bit much, particularly since I had followed instructions and, also, because it was a politically focused fund-raiser, not a personal social occasion.

I could have, eventually, put the matter out of my mind, except that the day before the event, one of the hosts telephoned me and inquired if we had received the invitation. I assured him that we had, and, in fact, had regretfully declined via e-mail on the very day it had arrived. I felt badly that he had not received our response but, in the end, felt that the fault lay -- at least partially -- with the Web site.

We do like these people, have known them for years, and want to maintain a friendly relationship.

GENTLE READER: Of course you may follow instructions to reply by e-mail and leave it at that. Your real question, Miss Manners suspects, is how you can convince your friends that you are not one of those etiquette-derelicts who fails to respond and then lies about having done so.

Let us hope that you have already accomplished this. Your word, backed by a history with these people during which you have presumably always answered their invitations, should be enough.

Written responses may be lost in the mail, telephone messages may be inadvertently erased, and e-mail may be caught in a spam filter -- but just not as often as people claim.

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