DEAR MISS MANNERS: Times are financially stressful for me these days. I am living from paycheck to paycheck, and while I am making progress, it takes all that I have to keep up with my current financial responsibilities and debt.

To compound matters, I've recently been asked to participate in a commitment ceremony by my ex-wife and her partner. They joyfully refer to the ceremony as a wedding, and I am truly happy for them. I support their enormously important commitment to stand by one another; however, I'm really kind of uncomfortable being asked to participate.

Although our divorce was recent (a little over a year) and amicable, it was brought about by significant trust and financial issues I had with my ex-wife, and I'm not sure I've fully resolved them. As amicable as we were able to remain, it was also emotionally tumultuous.

I still care about her, and really want her to be happy, but I think I'd have been happier to just be invited as a guest or to decline to attend altogether. I agreed to attend, because she is still my friend and we do have a history together.

Now I find myself in the role of "best man/mister of honor" which is gracious on her part but surprising to me, given all we'd been through. Because none of her family can or will attend the ceremony, I think she honored me as I was, at one time, an important part of her family.

Do I decline to participate, or is it more appropriate to table my discomfort and support my ex-wife, my friend, regardless of our history?

I really want to do the right thing, but I'm torn between lingering feelings and financial stress. I'm trying pretty hard to be honorable and a person of etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners approves of amiability in partings, she finds the question of a former spouse's attending -- much less participating in -- a similar subsequent event to be creepy.

Surely it must be hard (whether from sadness or amusement) for such a person to listen to vows of permanency without remembering when the same person said the same things before. At any rate, hinting so ("I wish you happiness, but the ceremony would awake too many memories for me") is flattering.

Sending your former wife this sentimental message, along with your very best wishes for her happiness, will leave you free to stay home and worry about the financial mess in which she left you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the protocol for sending flowers when a family member is hospitalized then sent home because nothing more can be done for the patient?

The intent is that our office would send flowers, but with the recent update, is it still appropriate? May we add, the patient has since been sent home.

GENTLE READER: Why are you hesitating about sending flowers to his home, since you know that he is there? Isn't that what you were planning to do when he was hospitalized?

Please rid Miss Manners of the ghastly feeling that you plan to spring for only one order of flowers and are thinking whether it wouldn't look better to send them to the funeral than to try to cheer him now. Fewer flowers twice would be more gracious than more when he is gone.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I flew from New York City to Los Angeles, I entertained a most charming 7-year-old for 5-1/2 hours. My only concern: He wasn't mine, nor in any way related to me, nor had I ever met him before.

His mother and godmother summarily dumped him and his slightly older brothers in various middle seats in coach -- then returned to enjoy a peaceful trip in business class. Not only did they come to check on the children only once during the flight, but my companion solemnly explained that he was "not allowed" to go up to business class to see his Mom for any reason.

The three boys were provided with only one DVD-player and a couple of electronic games among them -- without extra batteries and without headphones. As the youngest, my new friend got short shrift. Which left me little recourse other than abandoning my book and resorting to reading lessons from the 'Sky Mall' catalogue, trading seats so he could look out the window and pepper me with questions, and teaching him numerous interesting faces to try to help him pop his ears during landing. As well as ensuring his safety during frequent turbulence.

He was definitely -- as his godmother beamingly told me in the rest room line -- a "wonderful kid." His manners were impeccable: He solemnly shook my hand in thanks and regret that we wouldn't see each other after landing. And I appreciated the compliments from surrounding passengers that I "must be a teacher" (I am not) and that I demonstrated the "patience of Job."

But I am absolutely appalled at his mother and godmother! I know flights were full because of a storm and flight cancellations -- but there were so many alternatives they could have pursued: asking people to shift so the three boys could travel together; ensuring their games were fully charged or had extra batteries -- and headphones!; sending the "baby-sitters" free drinks or meals from business class; or, at a minimum, checking on the boys -- and us! -- more frequently.

In an effort to continue demonstrating that at least some adults think of something other than themselves, I did nothing but smile and say "you're welcome" at Mom and God-mom's off-hand thanks as I left.

What could I have politely said? Do I have the right to be appalled? Or should I simply be thankful that I have learned a new possibly marketable skill: airline baby-sitting?

GENTLE READER: Your question, Miss Manners divines, is not whether you should be appalled -- you already are. It is whether you could have decently make these ladies appalled at themselves.

Probably not.

Most parents would simply assume that you were lucky to have had such a charming traveling companion. (Of course, had these ladies thought so, they could have traveled with him themselves.)

The charitable thought that they knew they could trust the children is dispelled by the admonition not to try to get in touch "for any reason." Had he misbehaved, or been in any difficulty, you could have take it upon yourself to summon the mother.

However, apparently he had beautiful manners. Miss Manners suspects a caring caregiver in the background. And the mother and godmother were apparently treating you as such, ignoring the crucial difference that you were neither a relative nor a paid employee.

But at least you were properly and graciously thanked -- by the young gentleman himself. Miss Manners would think that his pleasure, even more than the admiration of other passengers, would reward you for being so kind.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While shopping in a retail outlet recently, I happened to notice a $20 bill very close to falling out of the back pocket of an attractive young woman in line in front of me. I chose to do nothing, not sure how to alert her of her possible loss without also tipping her off that my eyes had been wandering where they should probably not have been.

How should I handle this dilemma should I encounter it again in the future?

GENTLE READER: If you would raise your gaze, it wouldn't occur. But then you would not be able to rescue shoppers from costly carelessness.

Miss Manners is guessing that the lady would have been flustered enough at the danger and grateful enough to be told about it that she would not speculate about how -- or rather, where -- you happened to notice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The family and friends are scattered all over the globe. The parental home is long gone, and the parents are far-flung. The prospect of gathering them all together for a wedding seems daunting, and, well, perhaps superfluous in these days of visa difficulties, unpleasant air travel and carbon emissions concerns.

I have been reading old novels about very small weddings followed by a wedding trip to visit all the relatives and connections, and have been wondering how to organize such an arrangement properly.

We could take each of those we visit out to a fine dinner, at a restaurant chosen by them, in lieu of the big central reception-dinner-music combo. Or, depending on their taste, to a local concert, or a circus for the small children.

Is this plan too far beyond current custom to be countenanced in today's etiquette?

Should the couple just get quietly married by a local divine, attended by two namelesss witnesses, and travel to visit all the distant families and friends, followed by a reception at home for those who live nearby? Do we send out announcements or just handwritten notes telling people that we would like to come and see them?

GENTLE READER: This is a intriguing idea, in keeping with Miss Manners' predilection for making the past work for the present.

But it is not a familiar idea, and you do not want your relatives to fear that you are excluding them from a splashy wedding and then plan to live happily ever after as roving houseguests.

Miss Manners recommends writing each of them a letter -- not an e-mail, which is insufficiently formal, and would create suspicion as to its being some kind of scheme; nor an announcement, which is overly formal, and would appear to be some sort of summons.

The letter should explain that because you are being married privately, you wish to have an old-fashioned wedding tour to introduce each other to your respective relatives and friends. It should then propose dates when you might visit, state where you will be staying and inquire where you may treat them to dinner or another outing.

Miss Manners regrets the need to make it explicit that you do not intend to be a burden on them, but we live in cynical times.

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