DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment building that has a security door and intercom system on the main floor. When a date comes to pick me up, should he come all the way up to my unit or should he remain in the vestibule until I come down? Or should I buzz him into the lobby and say that I will be right down?

Does the answer vary depending upon how many dates I've had with him?

GENTLE READER: Hold on. The question of how many dates it should be before he goes to your apartment surely has to do with the other end of the date. And Miss Manners prefers not to be involved in that.

A gentleman picks up a lady at her front door, but you may, if you wish, define this as the front door of the building. Having him come up suggests that some form of hospitality will be offered, and Miss Manners has already excused herself from deciding that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be going to a formal dinner party soon. It has been years since I have been to one, and I am not sure what utensils to use. Can you please help me?

GENTLE READER: Only if you promise not to tell anyone how easy it is. That would ruin etiquette's reputation as a mysterious, if not sinister, rite, unfathomable to -- well, to practically every except Miss Manners.

A properly set table, formal or informal, provides diners with the exact tools, neither more nor less, that they need to eat the meal being served, arranged in an outside-to-inside pattern. And that's it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need some advice on the privacy of e-mails. I recently had a situation where I wrote an e-mail to a friend discussing some sensitive matter. This friend forwarded my email to somebody else in our circle, which in turn created a very unpleasant situation. The obvious solution is not to put private matters in e-mails, but due to a very irregular work schedule and a difference in time zones finding a good time to call can be a challenge.

How do I communicate that I consider an e-mail sent to a single recipient as private as a face-to-face conversation, phone call or letter?

GENTLE READER: By delivering confidences in person or by telephone. Then, when people repeat what you have said, at least you can deny it.

Miss Manners is sorry to deprive you of writing your friends on office time. But people really must learn that e-mail, convenient as it is for so many purposes, is not a proper means to communicate things that you do not want repeated. Nor, for that matter, are letters. In pre-e-mail days, one was always hearing about letters falling "into the wrong hands," either because someone snooped or the recipient passed them around.

The standard advice then was, "Don't put it in writing unless you want everyone to know." This applies even more to e-mail. Not only are snooping and forwarding both easier, but a third possibility -- that of your hitting the wrong button and circulating it around your workplace -- is only too likely.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After 40 years of marriage, I think that I can speak to which sorts of wedding gifts will bring joy and sweet memories over two joined lifetimes, and during those times when the marriage may feel like a longer sentence than that. That is, the lovely piece of silver (however modest in size), the crystal sugar bowl and the additions to one's table services.

As the children of siblings, cousins and dear friends marry now, however, I find "requests" for increasingly strange gifts. I can easily ignore the registries of, for instance, barbeque tools and plastic dishes. If the bride has descended to that level in her quest to match her gifts to her current shabby housing, not believing that she will ever live elsewhere, then I can set her straight with appropriate nudges -- a crystal vase or silver something.

But here comes another "idea," with the filip of a load of guilt. The happy couple wants their guests to contribute to a particular charity -- "we only want your company," etc. Is this a new twist on the "just send us money for our honeymoon?"

I am happy for their devotion to charity. But am I whining when I say to you that the joy of picking out just the right congratulatory gift, knowing that it will be displayed (my taste is impeccable, so of course it would be), and that auntie may be thought of fondly as the years go by, is a pleasure not to be denied?

Must I now, though, feel guilty at even thinking of depriving starving children of my largesse? Which, while tasteful, is not large enough to change history, medicine or politicians' hearts.

Or send a spoon and a check? Or throw up my hands in exasperation, send them their darn check, and forget about weddings until sense and manners reign again?

GENTLE READER: When will that be? Miss Manners can hardly wait.

The charity plea is at least well meant. It says, in effect, "We know it is customary for guests to pay for attending weddings, but we are donating the proceeds to a good cause."

The problem is their premise. Yes, wedding guests customarily give wedding presents, but it is still rudely presumptuous of their hosts to tell them to do so.

Even Robin Hood and Maid Marian are not supposed to reach into the pockets of their own guests.

But try telling that to bridal couples who see the present potential as a shopping service or source of income, or to guests who don't want to put thought into pleasing the recipients. Among them, they have turned the charming custom of exchanging presents into a meaningless commercial transaction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper etiquette to lick your knife at the dinner table? I have told my granddaughter it is not but await your answer.

GENTLE READER: No, it is not. And Miss Manners hopes she caught this in time, before your granddaughter slices off her tongue.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find that I am sometimes asked for small favors by complete strangers, and while it might cost me little to comply, sometimes what I perceive as their expectation that I will makes me uncomfortable, and, indeed, less likely to help.

At the corner store today, a lovely young lady in line behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could go on ahead of me, as she had only one item. I merely told her, "I have three" and turned back away.

Her audibly exasperated reaction made me want to ask you, was this an unreasonable or rude response on my part? She gave me no reason to believe there was a reason for her request -- some emergency, perhaps -- other than her desire not to wait in line.

GENTLE READER: It is possible that this lovely young lady was out to take outrageous advantage of you, as everybody these days seems to believe everyone else is.

It is also possible that she did have an urgent reason to rush. How much of a supplication would you require her to make in order to obtain what you admit is a small favor that would cost you little?

Miss Manners acknowledges that courtesy did not require you to yield as long as you treated the request politely. She just wishes that our society was not bristling with so much hostility and suspicion as to consider it an affront when someone asks for what you admitted to be a small favor that would have cost you little.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever my in-laws visit -- which is not very often -- they like try to discipline my children when my husband and I are right there and are often already in the midst of handling any "bad behavior" during their attempts.

I can understand, maybe, if we were allowing our children to do dangerous things or annoy them or be impolite, but that is not the situation. We always handle things with our children as they happen and have a good grip on what is going on.

They just seem to like to add to whatever we are saying and often end up yelling at our kids or talking sternly to them when we are already doing so. They have even resorted to popping the children.

I am hoping you can help me come up with a very nice, respectful way of saying that they should just enjoy their visit with my children and leave the disciplining to us.

GENTLE READER: These people don't understand the concept of grandparenthood, do they? The whole idea is to have a jolly time playing with them and then, when they get all hepped up and out of control, to say, "Well, it's time for my nap" and hand them over to their parents.

Instead, it is these grandparents who seem out of control. Yelling and "popping"? Uh-oh.

Miss Manners suggests that you gently enlighten them. The way to put it is: "We want the children to enjoy your visits, but they've become frightened of you. They know that if they misbehave, they'll be in trouble with us, so you can afford to be the good guys."

: