DEAR MISS MANNERS: After 40 years of marriage, I think that I can speak to which sorts of wedding gifts will bring joy and sweet memories over two joined lifetimes, and during those times when the marriage may feel like a longer sentence than that. That is, the lovely piece of silver (however modest in size), the crystal sugar bowl and the additions to one's table services.

As the children of siblings, cousins and dear friends marry now, however, I find "requests" for increasingly strange gifts. I can easily ignore the registries of, for instance, barbeque tools and plastic dishes. If the bride has descended to that level in her quest to match her gifts to her current shabby housing, not believing that she will ever live elsewhere, then I can set her straight with appropriate nudges -- a crystal vase or silver something.

But here comes another "idea," with the filip of a load of guilt. The happy couple wants their guests to contribute to a particular charity -- "we only want your company," etc. Is this a new twist on the "just send us money for our honeymoon?"

I am happy for their devotion to charity. But am I whining when I say to you that the joy of picking out just the right congratulatory gift, knowing that it will be displayed (my taste is impeccable, so of course it would be), and that auntie may be thought of fondly as the years go by, is a pleasure not to be denied?

Must I now, though, feel guilty at even thinking of depriving starving children of my largesse? Which, while tasteful, is not large enough to change history, medicine or politicians' hearts.

Or send a spoon and a check? Or throw up my hands in exasperation, send them their darn check, and forget about weddings until sense and manners reign again?

GENTLE READER: When will that be? Miss Manners can hardly wait.

The charity plea is at least well meant. It says, in effect, "We know it is customary for guests to pay for attending weddings, but we are donating the proceeds to a good cause."

The problem is their premise. Yes, wedding guests customarily give wedding presents, but it is still rudely presumptuous of their hosts to tell them to do so.

Even Robin Hood and Maid Marian are not supposed to reach into the pockets of their own guests.

But try telling that to bridal couples who see the present potential as a shopping service or source of income, or to guests who don't want to put thought into pleasing the recipients. Among them, they have turned the charming custom of exchanging presents into a meaningless commercial transaction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper etiquette to lick your knife at the dinner table? I have told my granddaughter it is not but await your answer.

GENTLE READER: No, it is not. And Miss Manners hopes she caught this in time, before your granddaughter slices off her tongue.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find that I am sometimes asked for small favors by complete strangers, and while it might cost me little to comply, sometimes what I perceive as their expectation that I will makes me uncomfortable, and, indeed, less likely to help.

At the corner store today, a lovely young lady in line behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could go on ahead of me, as she had only one item. I merely told her, "I have three" and turned back away.

Her audibly exasperated reaction made me want to ask you, was this an unreasonable or rude response on my part? She gave me no reason to believe there was a reason for her request -- some emergency, perhaps -- other than her desire not to wait in line.

GENTLE READER: It is possible that this lovely young lady was out to take outrageous advantage of you, as everybody these days seems to believe everyone else is.

It is also possible that she did have an urgent reason to rush. How much of a supplication would you require her to make in order to obtain what you admit is a small favor that would cost you little?

Miss Manners acknowledges that courtesy did not require you to yield as long as you treated the request politely. She just wishes that our society was not bristling with so much hostility and suspicion as to consider it an affront when someone asks for what you admitted to be a small favor that would have cost you little.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever my in-laws visit -- which is not very often -- they like try to discipline my children when my husband and I are right there and are often already in the midst of handling any "bad behavior" during their attempts.

I can understand, maybe, if we were allowing our children to do dangerous things or annoy them or be impolite, but that is not the situation. We always handle things with our children as they happen and have a good grip on what is going on.

They just seem to like to add to whatever we are saying and often end up yelling at our kids or talking sternly to them when we are already doing so. They have even resorted to popping the children.

I am hoping you can help me come up with a very nice, respectful way of saying that they should just enjoy their visit with my children and leave the disciplining to us.

GENTLE READER: These people don't understand the concept of grandparenthood, do they? The whole idea is to have a jolly time playing with them and then, when they get all hepped up and out of control, to say, "Well, it's time for my nap" and hand them over to their parents.

Instead, it is these grandparents who seem out of control. Yelling and "popping"? Uh-oh.

Miss Manners suggests that you gently enlighten them. The way to put it is: "We want the children to enjoy your visits, but they've become frightened of you. They know that if they misbehave, they'll be in trouble with us, so you can afford to be the good guys."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I try to appreciatively acknowledge when I receive superior service with organizations like chain stores, tech support, government employees, etc. I've done the obvious:

-- Said thanks to the person (profound grasp of the obvious)

-- Mentioned their name to their manager. If in a rush, made a note to myself to call later before I forgot

-- Gone to store Web site to use "Contact Us" (time consuming, but perhaps there is a better way)

-- Asked for them on subsequent visits, as applicable

If I've got something like flowers for my wife with me, give them one (but not in a flirtatious manner and done very carefully if my wife is not with me, and only to females after mentioning in passing at least twice something like, "My wife and I live a couple of miles from here," as fits the circumstances).

I'm looking for the best r.o.i. (return on investment) -- less time consuming so I will be inclined to do this more rather than less, especially when I am in a rush to get home to prepare a backlog of thank you cards.

I suppose I could have some small cards made up?

GENTLE READER: Nobody believes in commending good service, both to the person who provided it and to that person's supervisor, more than Miss Manners. Or so she would have thought until she saw your routine.

The commendation to the manager, the letter and the Web site offer alternative ways of notifying the supervisor; doing all three is overkill. Thanking the person is gracious; handing out flowers and cards is, well, a bit bizarre. You are not only burdening yourself unnecessarily but perhaps scaring these good people and making their supervisors suspect that you must be related to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am feeling incorrect. A colleague recently became engaged and was delightedly showing her ring to the women at work. Each one squealed "Congratulations!" While I am as happy as the others are for her, it seems a bit like she won the grand prize on a game show rather than committed to a lifetime of caring and responsibility.

What is the "correct" response? I settled for something along the order of "I'm sooooo happy for you!" which did not seem as celebratory but was the best I could do on short notice.

There are many young, unmarried, women in my office, and I am sure to have to know the answer to this question in the near future.

GENTLE READER: It is you whom Miss Manners must congratulate. You have stumbled accidentally on the correct approach.

Strictly speaking, a lady should never be congratulated on her engagement or marriage, however charming the gentleman. It is he who is officially the lucky one, to whom congratulations are given. She is properly wished happiness.

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