DEAR MISS MANNERS: I try to appreciatively acknowledge when I receive superior service with organizations like chain stores, tech support, government employees, etc. I've done the obvious:

-- Said thanks to the person (profound grasp of the obvious)

-- Mentioned their name to their manager. If in a rush, made a note to myself to call later before I forgot

-- Gone to store Web site to use "Contact Us" (time consuming, but perhaps there is a better way)

-- Asked for them on subsequent visits, as applicable

If I've got something like flowers for my wife with me, give them one (but not in a flirtatious manner and done very carefully if my wife is not with me, and only to females after mentioning in passing at least twice something like, "My wife and I live a couple of miles from here," as fits the circumstances).

I'm looking for the best r.o.i. (return on investment) -- less time consuming so I will be inclined to do this more rather than less, especially when I am in a rush to get home to prepare a backlog of thank you cards.

I suppose I could have some small cards made up?

GENTLE READER: Nobody believes in commending good service, both to the person who provided it and to that person's supervisor, more than Miss Manners. Or so she would have thought until she saw your routine.

The commendation to the manager, the letter and the Web site offer alternative ways of notifying the supervisor; doing all three is overkill. Thanking the person is gracious; handing out flowers and cards is, well, a bit bizarre. You are not only burdening yourself unnecessarily but perhaps scaring these good people and making their supervisors suspect that you must be related to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am feeling incorrect. A colleague recently became engaged and was delightedly showing her ring to the women at work. Each one squealed "Congratulations!" While I am as happy as the others are for her, it seems a bit like she won the grand prize on a game show rather than committed to a lifetime of caring and responsibility.

What is the "correct" response? I settled for something along the order of "I'm sooooo happy for you!" which did not seem as celebratory but was the best I could do on short notice.

There are many young, unmarried, women in my office, and I am sure to have to know the answer to this question in the near future.

GENTLE READER: It is you whom Miss Manners must congratulate. You have stumbled accidentally on the correct approach.

Strictly speaking, a lady should never be congratulated on her engagement or marriage, however charming the gentleman. It is he who is officially the lucky one, to whom congratulations are given. She is properly wished happiness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, I have had several invitations to different parties that note at the bottom "No gifts please" or other similar phrases.

What exactly does that mean? Some have told me it means cards only; others have said it means no wrapped gifts, but that money is appropriate. Can you clarify this for me?

GENTLE READER: Which is the part that is unclear? Even forking over cash, crude as that is, constitutes a gift.

These are not coy times, when people trouble to put a veneer of decency on their greed. Miss Manners can assure you that those who mean to hit you up for money will say so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have finally turned 30, and I couldn't be more pleased. It enables me to assume a bit of dignity, and I find that I receive more respect at work (I'm a nurse) because there are a few lines around my eyes. And yet, among the celebrations is a shadow. My friends are all turning 30 as well, and dreading it.

I want to be there for my friends when they're feeling depressed, but if I have to attend another party where the hostess is drunk and depressed and spends half the night in the bathroom weeping over lost youth, I will have to join a holy sisterhood.

I have tried to lead by example, and I have tried to liven things up, but it is impossible if the hostess refuses to come out of her room because she doesn't look like a 15-year-old fashion model. These are accomplished women with wonderful families and/or careers. I don't mind sitting around watching a movie because someone's feeling blue, but if there's going to be a party, I expect festivity.

Is there a way to inquire whether my hostess intends to spend the night celebrating her life, or wallowing in self-pity? Is it rude or just unfeeling to expect that birthday parties will continue to be as festive as they were at 21? (Maybe a touch more refined...)

GENTLE READER: You are to be congratulated on escaping the notion that since one cannot remain forever young, one can at least remain forever immature. As you have noticed, this is a widespread belief.

You also need to escape these so-called parties. When the hostess won't come out of her room, it is time either to call the rescue squad or to go home.

Miss Manners suggests responding to birthday invitations by exclaiming "How wonderful! Congratulations! Isn't it great to be grown up?" Then, depending on the answer, you can accept the party invitation or decline regretfully while offering to take your friend to a celebratory (and cheerleading) lunch. If she ever comes out of her room, that is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my father passed away recently, we (his family) arranged for his burial, a dignified marker, a small but tasteful obit, and a small reception to be held later for a few friends and family. (As a point of interest, Dad left behind less wealth than he brought into the world, and yes, there are costs involved for food, travel, lodging, etc., that have been spent willingly to give him a proper sendoff.)

Yet Dad was quite a colorful public personality well loved by many -- even though when it came to his family, he was mostly missing in action, appearing mostly, if at all, during holidays. Some of his acquaintances continue to offer opinions on the obit, declaring it beneath Dad's stature (and yet everyone seems to have seen it) or the lack of a proper bash at a local bar in Dad's honor.

Is there an appropriate response for comments that may be well meant, but ill-conceived and in fact hurtful?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has a hard time with the possibility that well-meaning people go around haranguing bereaved families. Do they offer such criticisms because they think this is useful? Or kind?

Your response to such impertinence should be, "The family did what we believe is right. But of course you are welcome to write about him or to organize a memorial."

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