DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, I have had several invitations to different parties that note at the bottom "No gifts please" or other similar phrases.

What exactly does that mean? Some have told me it means cards only; others have said it means no wrapped gifts, but that money is appropriate. Can you clarify this for me?

GENTLE READER: Which is the part that is unclear? Even forking over cash, crude as that is, constitutes a gift.

These are not coy times, when people trouble to put a veneer of decency on their greed. Miss Manners can assure you that those who mean to hit you up for money will say so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have finally turned 30, and I couldn't be more pleased. It enables me to assume a bit of dignity, and I find that I receive more respect at work (I'm a nurse) because there are a few lines around my eyes. And yet, among the celebrations is a shadow. My friends are all turning 30 as well, and dreading it.

I want to be there for my friends when they're feeling depressed, but if I have to attend another party where the hostess is drunk and depressed and spends half the night in the bathroom weeping over lost youth, I will have to join a holy sisterhood.

I have tried to lead by example, and I have tried to liven things up, but it is impossible if the hostess refuses to come out of her room because she doesn't look like a 15-year-old fashion model. These are accomplished women with wonderful families and/or careers. I don't mind sitting around watching a movie because someone's feeling blue, but if there's going to be a party, I expect festivity.

Is there a way to inquire whether my hostess intends to spend the night celebrating her life, or wallowing in self-pity? Is it rude or just unfeeling to expect that birthday parties will continue to be as festive as they were at 21? (Maybe a touch more refined...)

GENTLE READER: You are to be congratulated on escaping the notion that since one cannot remain forever young, one can at least remain forever immature. As you have noticed, this is a widespread belief.

You also need to escape these so-called parties. When the hostess won't come out of her room, it is time either to call the rescue squad or to go home.

Miss Manners suggests responding to birthday invitations by exclaiming "How wonderful! Congratulations! Isn't it great to be grown up?" Then, depending on the answer, you can accept the party invitation or decline regretfully while offering to take your friend to a celebratory (and cheerleading) lunch. If she ever comes out of her room, that is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my father passed away recently, we (his family) arranged for his burial, a dignified marker, a small but tasteful obit, and a small reception to be held later for a few friends and family. (As a point of interest, Dad left behind less wealth than he brought into the world, and yes, there are costs involved for food, travel, lodging, etc., that have been spent willingly to give him a proper sendoff.)

Yet Dad was quite a colorful public personality well loved by many -- even though when it came to his family, he was mostly missing in action, appearing mostly, if at all, during holidays. Some of his acquaintances continue to offer opinions on the obit, declaring it beneath Dad's stature (and yet everyone seems to have seen it) or the lack of a proper bash at a local bar in Dad's honor.

Is there an appropriate response for comments that may be well meant, but ill-conceived and in fact hurtful?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has a hard time with the possibility that well-meaning people go around haranguing bereaved families. Do they offer such criticisms because they think this is useful? Or kind?

Your response to such impertinence should be, "The family did what we believe is right. But of course you are welcome to write about him or to organize a memorial."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's family has a coat of arms that was granted to one of their ancestors in the 1700s. My husband had it engraved in a seal he uses when mailing something important, such as wedding invitations.

I thought of having some nice stationery printed with the coat of arms at the top, to use for formal occasions. Are there any ways or occasions where you think it is appropriate to use a coat of arms, without looking like a total parvenue?

GENTLE READER: Are you worried that people might think you sent for it in the mail?

They will if you use it casually. Not surprisingly, such things come with traditions attached.

It is indeed correct to use a coat of arms on documents as formal as a wedding invitation, but on less formal papers, such as letters (even very stern letters) and menu cards (even when serious food is served), it is considered more tasteful to use only the crest, with the shield, motto and other doo-dads -- not the technical term -- omitted. Noblesse oblige and all that.

And now Miss Manners must deliver the catch:

Wives do not use their husbands' coats of arms except on mutually issued formal invitations or announcements, and do not use even the crest when writing alone, which is the only way a letter can be written.

They may, however, use a lozenge, which, in this case, is not a cough drop but a diamond-shaped version of the shield. These are uncommon enough in the United States that they have the advantage of protecting you from seeming pretentious. Most people will simply assume that it came ready-made on your writing paper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went out to dinner with my boyfriend, a mutual friend and two friends of the mutual friend, it was decided that we would all split four medium pizzas. However, I had an upset stomach for the entire evening and only had a small bite of pizza. I was sitting outside getting fresh air for most of the event, and was not present when the bill came.

Later that evening, I was feeling better and ready to eat, but the leftover slices of pizza had been left at the restaurant and therefore lost.

It turns out that my boyfriend ended up covering two-fifths of the bill -- my one-fifth and his one-fifth. I paid him back my share. However, I ate almost nothing, and in fact was deprived of most of my share by a decision I had no part in (throwing away the leftovers). Please, what would have been proper conduct in that situation?

GENTLE READER: Please tell Miss Manners you are not hoping to squeeze the price of your uneaten (but bitten into) pizza from these people.

But you are, aren't you?

What would have been proper conduct in this situation would have been for you to apologize for having left the group (yes, even though you couldn't help it) and to thank the gentleman when you reimbursed him for the food that you ordered and bit. Had your queasiness not abated, you would have been thankful not to be exposed to leftover pizza.

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