DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would really like to send a card or a present, preferably both, to my husband's first wife on her second marriage. I am officially "the Other Woman" (but only if you want the Hollywood version). I know it sounds bizarre, but I have been acquainted with this woman for nearly three decades.

No, it wasn't friendly, but there were moments. I was helping to raise their/our kids and see that she was kept in the loop when it was on our side.

I could not be happier for her or sincerely wish her less than all of the best. Would it be wrong? Patronizing? Or what?

I am the sort of woman that would hug someone in the emergency room when her/his/our kid was being treated. So it would be something that I would do, except at my age I am a little gun shy about what comes naturally.

When you are number two you try harder.

GENTLE READER: Have you also come to understand that this does not always mean you will succeed?

Perhaps all of those whom you hugged in emergency rooms felt gratitude for a touch of humanity from someone who presumably was in a similar situation. But it is always possible to encounter someone who shrinks at the intrusion of a stranger at a difficult time. People are different.

While it is true that you were also in a situation with this lady, it was not exactly, Miss Manners has to point out, from a similar perspective. Perhaps she is ready to be friends; perhaps not.

This is certainly not meant to discourage you from making an overture. But it should be a careful and dignified one. No doubt you can find a card that gives greetings to a bride from the person in possession of her first bridegroom, but Miss Manners recommends a handwritten note saying that you have come to appreciate her and wish her well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss says that it is inconsiderate to the workplace to leave the top off of my 12-ounce bottle of water/tea when I am not drinking it. He has a terrible tendency to knock it over.

He also claims that when customers come in to the office and I have left it on the counter that, they too, knock it over.

I now have to unscrew every time I want to drink and hope that I don't lose the lid to screw it back on.

Could you please clarify what is the proper way to handle your water bottle in the office? I do not wish to be uncourteous, but I think he is just clumsy. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners advises anyone with a clumsy boss to cap his water bottle. Or clumsy customers, and you never know when they might come along.

She sympathizes with you about the physical strain involved, however. Perhaps it would help if you thought of that as your daily exercise program.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm one of the lower-totem-pole workers in a federal agency that was recently rated one of the worst places to work in the D.C. area, in terms of its employees' morale.

Recently, some senior-level managers hosted a going-away party for one of their buddies, which included, of course, a huge personalized cake.

A colleague and I were sent into the party room after the festivities ended to retrieve food for our staff and carry it back to our break room. Heaven forbid those of us at the bottom of the pyramid might enjoy some of the party's edibles. Since the party was over, I thought nothing of cutting out a piece of the cake which was all the same color, hoping not to disrupt the pattern, even though it was nearly all gone anyway.

I was amazed when, many hours later, I was taken aside and told that our department director had received an angry phone call, repeatedly scolding me for "improper etiquette" and "rudeness," that I had "meticulously cut out the wrong part of the cake" (which, by the way, I did not eat) and taken it away without concern for others. That is hardly the case.

The thing is, our institution has been plagued by morale issues, abusive management practices and rampant favoritism --among other forms of corruption and wrongdoing. That never seemed to upset the higher-ups attending the party. I took the "wrong" piece of the cake. That upsets them.

Before I am tied up and marched off to the platform where the guillotine awaits me, I would like to ask your view on this. Merci. The people have no bread, and no, they may not have cake, either.

GENTLE READER - Wait: You work for the Federal Government, and you didn't realize that there might be consequences to destroying government property?

Worse yet, you didn't know that destroying only a small part (what did you cut off -- below where it said Eyes Only?) draws more suspicion that if you had scarfed the entire thing?

Speaking of which, why did you cut a slice if you didn't eat it? And what did you do with it? Shred it?

Now that Miss Manners has improved your morale, she hopes you will be good enough to do something for her.

Would you please mail her a copy of the government regulation that specifies the right and wrong sides of a cake?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I appear to have committed a faux pas. My fiance and I are getting married in a concert hall at 6 p.m. He's excited to don a tux, and the bridesmaids are wearing dresses of their choice (so some of them are floor length and some are shorter). I guess this means we're having a formal wedding, but we picked out colorful, modern-looking invitations. Now, people are admonishing us for choosing informal invitations for a formal event. Is there any way to respond to their criticism? Is there any way to redress our error?

GENTLE READER: Since the invitations have already gone out, it is unfortunately too late for you redo the chief part you did wrong -- the guest list.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A colleague has offered to bring coffee to an upcoming meeting of about five people, and I'm wondering if it's appropriate to offer my co-worker's particular coffee preferences.

With everybody's unique coffee demands nowadays (half-caf, double whip, extra hot, with room), is it reasonable to offer these known preferences, or do I wait for the person offering to ask?

I'm pretty sure they want everybody to be happy with the coffee they bring, and I think the others would certainly appreciate that personalized touch, but I feel like I might be turning the kind offer to bring coffee into more than what was initially offered.

I realize it would be unreasonable to make these specialized requests for a group of 20. What would be your threshold for how big a group this would be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: "May I get anyone some coffee?" is such a courteously collegial prelude to a meeting that Miss Manners hates to see it disappear.

But it is not going to survive if the generous colleague is pelted with orders for espresso, regular, cappuccino, mocha, Americano, frappucchino, caramel or iced and instructions in pseudo-Italian about the size and whether the milk should be steamed, foamed or spillable.

This is not to say that people should not get the coffee they want, which they can easily do by bringing it in themselves. But a casual offer is different from designating someone to get the lunches, which involves writing down who wants a sesame seed bagel and make sure not to get poppy seeds, who wants only the kind of yogurt that has to be stirred, and so on.

Miss Manners would say that the number of special coffee requests should equal what a reasonable person -- or the particular person making the offer -- can remember without writing anything down.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You probably haven't encountered this question before:

At my wedding, a very close friend asked her daughter to get up and dance. To which her 30-something daughter tossed her water over her shoulder on her formally dressed mother. It's very lucky she didn't hit my elderly aunt sitting behind her.

I didn't find out about this until after the fact. However I find myself still very angry almost a month later. At her own wedding, this woman would have personally thrown someone out for doing that.

Should I say something to her or just try and forget about it? I know it was her mother that was hit and she's still not talking to her daughter, but since it was an event we put on, should I mention it or just keep my mouth shut and forget about it?

I should mention that I'm not just angry for the drama at my wedding, but my poor friend was embarrassed, and so were the other people at her table, which they have all made me aware of.

GENTLE READER: What is it you thought of saying?

"Don't you know it's rude to throw water at your mother?"

"You almost hit my aunt"?

"I'll never invite you to another wedding of mine again"?

Miss Manners could go on, but you probably see her point: The scene is over and done with, it was between mother and daughter and you were not even aware of it at the time. You don't even need to let this person know why you -- and probably everyone within range of her waterfall -- are now steering clear of her. She knows.

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