DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question about appropriate bar etiquette for college-aged women. While I believe it is a nice gesture for men to offer to buy women a drink, I do not believe women should ask or tell a man to do so.

My friend seems to think her bold/forward requests for a beverage make her seem traditional. This friend is often shameless to the point that I am so embarrassed that I will interrupt the exchange to tell her I will buy the drinks for us.

I feel her confidence and simultaneous helplessness in this situation is an odd dichotomy that comes across as cheap and using.

Am I wrong to wonder if under these circumstances liberated behavior of a young woman has been confused with plain old poor manners?

GENTLE READER: It is always touching to Miss Manners to hear of a young person who wants to behave in a traditional fashion. Too bad that the tradition your friend has adopted is that of cadging drinks in bars. What she is doing was not seen as bad manners so much as professional manners. It was the profession that was bad.

Last Miss Manners checked, it was still considered so.

Your friend seems to have made the unfortunately common mistake of confusing the concepts of liberated and lewd.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am interested in the etiquette of informing applicants of errors in their resumes.

As the primary contact for staffing in our company, I recently received a resume from an applicant that used the word "tenet" instead of "tenant" in several locations of their resume. I dismissed them completely because I believe if there is one thing you should proofread it would be your resume! Having been in this field for many years, I know that most of my colleagues feel the same way -- they won't even consider a resume with typographical, spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors.

What I am torn about is whether or not to inform this applicant that they are sending out a document that is damaging their chances at obtaining employment. Is it rude to point out the flaws in a case like this one?

GENTLE READER: Correcting other people's writing is rude unless you are authorized to do so. This is why Miss Manners will say nothing to you about pairing single subjects with plural pronouns.

However, it is a common complaint of job seekers that they are left wondering why they were rejected. It would be within your purview to let them know, in a matter-of-fact way, that you are sorry to inform them that they will not be hired, and that you and your colleagues disqualify those who have sent resumes that contain mistakes in the use of language.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's outgoing voicemail message ends in "bye." We have a disagreement over whether this is necessary. I say no, since she isn't talking to a real person. She says since the message is heard by a real person, it is polite to end the message that way. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your friend has grasped a concept that you seem to have missed: Voicemail is a device that enables a person to address other people; it is not itself being addressed.

Miss Manners can only hope that you do not compose your e-mails under the impression that you needn't be courteous because you are only addressing a machine.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think white linen suits look smashing in the summertime. I have had one of my own (off-white or ecru, to be honest) for a few years now and believe it flatters me quite a bit. (More importantly, my wife agrees.)

Having searched without success for the etiquette involved in the wearing of such an outfit, I have been forced to invent some rules for myself based on other etiquette rules. (I know, very dangerous.)

I never wear the suit before Memorial Day or after Labor Day, as if it were white shoes. Come to that, I never wear white shoes with it as it is not sportswear. I also never wear it in the evening.

How am I doing?

A recurring (and current) question is whether it is appropriate to wear as a guest to a daytime summer wedding. My mother (who remembers when such things were more widely respected) thinks it is correct, but it seems to break the ban on wearing white to a wedding. While I'm about it, would it make a difference if it were a "country" or "resort" wedding?

And what about seersucker? You have been so generous in clarifying the terms of seasonal dress for the ladies; can you give any guidance to us gentlemen?

GENTLE READER: You are doing fine, so long as you keep out of the ladies' rule book.

They are not supposed to wear black, red or white at weddings. Gentlemen, in contrast, must wear black at formal weddings, should wear red only when they are out hunting, and may safely wear white or off-white (seersucker being slightly more sporty) to informal daytime weddings without fear of being mistaken for the bride.

However. Miss Manners is pleased to note that you realize that the seasons govern gentlemen as well as ladies. And if they violate this by wearing white other than in the summer, they are more likely to be asked where they parked their ice cream trucks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A standing ovation seems almost de rigueur at concerts, etc., these days, no matter the caliber of the performance.

Is it considered rude to sit and applaud when others are giving a standing ovation? Or is this a time to "go with the flow" even if I disagree with the other audience members?

If a standing ovation now means giving encouragement and appreciation to thankless performers, instead of feedback for an outstanding production, then I will gladly participate.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to discourage kindness, Miss Manners feels obliged to report that the purpose of curtain calls is to garner audience reaction, not to receive thanks. As you know from real life, people who expect thanks, such as hosts and the givers of presents, do not bow to provoke it.

Naturally, the performers hope that the reaction will be praise, if not adulation, in the form of applause, ovations and roses tossed at their feet. But they must take their chances. And they should realize that when ovations are routine and automatic -- as opposed to having a thrilled audience jump to its feet -- they are meaningless. If you think the performance good but not extraordinary, it is not rude to remain seated while clapping.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am often in a situation where I realize that the two people that I am talking to probably don't know each other or haven't been introduced to each other. It seems so stuffy to say, "Jason, this is Emma. Emma, this is Jason." And should you always start with the "higher ranking" person's name, or the newer person's name, in the intro?

To avoid the above stuffiness, I will usually say, "Emma, have you met Jason?" but then I feel like I might be insulting one of them by only directing the question to one. "Have you two met?" causes problems because then I am again faced with the stuffy, "Jason, this is Emma. Emma, this is Jason." What is a smooth way of making sure they know each other's names? Does any of this matter?

GENTLE READER: Stuffy? And, pray tell, exactly what, if you please, is wrong with being stuffy?

Miss Manners admits that her natural predilection for the stuffy has been stiffened by the way its opposite, "casual," has come to signal the sloppy and the uncaring. But even if she allowed you to get away with that slur, she could hardly imagine a more plain, simple, straightforward set of statements than "Emma, this is John Tweedledom. John, this is Sarah Tweedledee."

Yes, stuffy old Miss Manners has added their surnames. She finds it ridiculous to withhold half the identity if the introducer is to be of any use. And she has addressed the lady first, although a large difference in age also counts, and a 17-year-old Emma would be introduced to a 54-year-old Jason.

Those are small courtesies. What matters most is that you take it upon yourself to introduce people you know instead of letting them stand around awkwardly, and that you do so in the conventional way rather than struggling to reach for something original.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents are planning a party and had already invited the guests when they were subsequently invited to a different party that they're dying to attend on the same night.

What are the rules when it comes to canceling one's own party for another? Is it equally as rude as trying to get out of an invitation because you've been invited to something better? I think they want to pretend that they were already planning to go to the second party and made a mistake when scheduling their own.

GENTLE READER: No, it is not equally as rude. It is ruder. The defaulting guest has inconvenienced his hosts, which is bad enough. Defaulting hosts have inconvenienced their entire guest list -- which might contain people who might also have had better subsequent offers that they are now too late to accept.

Miss Manners supposes that the false excuse they propose is better than admitting that they want to enjoy a more interesting evening than they were planning to offer. And what are they planning to say when any of their own dismissed guests show up at the same party, knowing perfectly well when the invitations were issued.

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