DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I decided early on that I would change my last name to his. The funny coincidence is that my first and middle name are the exact same as his little sister (with whom I have a good relationship).

We also receive our e-mail from the same provider, so if I were to change my e-mail address to my new married name, our e-mail addresses would be exactly the same. I also don't care for numbers or nicknames for e-mail addresses.

Being the planner that I am, I am wondering how to handle my e-mail name change, when she already has the e-mail. Can you please advise us of the proper way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: "Us"? You are not thinking, Miss Manners hopes, of suggesting to your sister-in-law that she yield her e-mail address. As in, "Move over, dear, it's my name now."

That would not be a safe way to begin your new family life. Besides, why would you want to clog up your in-box with her mail? Even after you do her the courtesy of choosing another configuration of your name for your e-mail (for example, adding your maiden name between your middle name and your surname) or another server, It is more likely that she will be the one to have the burden of receiving your mail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to wear a signet ring? Should the initials be readable if someone shakes your hand or should it be readable to the wearer?

GENTLE READER: Considering how many people post reading matter for the general public on their clothing and their flesh, you may be surprised to hear that you are not supposed to be a walking bulletin board. The ring should face you. If others wish to know your initials, Miss Manners suggest that they read them on your briefcase.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?When I was a child, I had a fairly bad stutter. Fortunately, I have pretty much grown out of it, but sometimes I still stutter, most often when I'm standing in line trying to order something and feel like I'm holding everyone up. What amazes me is how often the person I'm speaking to (or trying to order coffee from) will imitate the problem. I think they're trying to show some kind of good-natured kidding, but being mocked, even in jest, makes me more anxious and more prone to stuttering.

I know the proper response is to ignore the jibe, but as I get older and crankier, I'm less patient with these morons. On the other hand, when I'm caught up in this stuttering loop, I'm not really in a position to be able to respond snappily. Is there any way out of this?

GENTLE READER: You should have no trouble with the proper response, which is to ignore the person, rather than ignoring what you call a jibe, but what Miss Manners would call a blatant insult. That is to walk away and, when you are ready, to complain to the manager.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been acquainted with another couple, Mary and Ethan, for 20 years. While never the best of friends, we've had the sort of friendly relationship that develops among parents of same-age children who participate in school and extracurricular activities together. As our children have grown, the time we spend with this couple had dwindled, and now we see each other only occasionally when we are out in the community.

Last month, Ethan was convicted of a federal crime and will spend the next five years in prison. Yesterday, I ran into Mary while shopping. We exchanged pleasantries, she inquired about my husband and children, and I inquired about her children.

I did not inquire about Ethan, as I was unsure what to say, and did not want to put her in an awkward situation.

Later, I wondered if I had behaved correctly. Since Mary had inquired about my husband, was it rude for me not to inquire about hers? I could hardly pretend not to know that Ethan is in prison, since it was headline news in our community. But I certainly couldn't ask, "How is Ethan enjoying prison?" So I said nothing at all.

Was I correct in avoiding the subject, or should I have said something -- expressed condolences, perhaps?

GENTLE READER: You should have said something, but not too much. Like so many people, you are under the impression that tragedy is an all-or-nothing situation for outsiders -- that you should either pretend that it doesn't exist or initiate a thorough discussion of the matter, replete with opinions and suggestions.

Yes, you should have said something, but Miss Manners is afraid that even "How is Ethan?" won't quite do. If the lady does not wish to discuss the matter, she can hardly be expected to choke out "Fine, thank you."

You are better off with a statement, rather than a question. Something as simple as "Please tell Ethan we are thinking of him" will show sympathy without getting into the question of justice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is selling cosmetics through word-of-mouth contacts. She asked me to try out her product line, and I declined, explaining I was skeptical about the company's claims.

About a month later, she called again to ask for names of other friends she could contact. I told her I couldn't give her friends' names in good conscience because I didn't believe in the product myself, although I wished her well in her business venture.

Since that time, it has become clear to me she is not talking to me, beyond the obligatory terse response to a direct question. Am I taking too hard a line on this? Should I give her the names of friends, as she asks?

GENTLE READER: So she can annoy them, too? Don't you like your friends?

Why you want to placate this one, Miss Manners cannot understand. She has dropped you as a friend and has made it clear that she is only interested in you as a customer or the provider of customers.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my great nephew married a precious little blonde, they had several showers plus wedding presents from many people. The bride asked (or told) the groom to send thank you notes to his side and she would send them to her side. (Frankly, I have never heard of the bride not sending all of the thank you notes.)

The groom never sent a thank you note to anyone. There are many hurt feelings, and even after all this time, it is still being talked about. I am sure neither the bride nor her mother is aware of this.

Who do you think is at fault in this -- the groom who never was good at thank you notes, the bride for not following up to make sure it was taken care of, or the mother of the bride for not overseeing this as she did everything else? The mother of the groom cannot be faulted because she tried many times to get him to write the notes.

GENTLE READER: At first, Miss Manners thought that only extreme family loyalty could leave a question in your mind about whose fault this shocking omission was.

After all, your nephew not only failed to write the notes that were expected of him, but led his wife to believe that he had. Apparently, he still hasn't confessed.

Do you not wonder why, when the matter was first mentioned, the gentleman did not say, "I'm no good at writing letters" and offer instead to perform some task that his bride preferred to avoid?

But when Miss Manners looked at your suspects, her own suspicions arose. Is there a bit of a sniff in your declaration that you never heard of a bridegroom's writing letters?

It is, in fact, not uncommon. About two generations ago, many couples abandoned the strict allocation by gender of household tasks and started sorting them by turns or by individual preferences.

That you ignored the obvious and went so far as to suggest not just the bride but also her mother as candidates for blame is what made Miss Manners think there might be more here than the natural inclination to believe that there is no place for one's own family to marry except down.

She suspects a case of Female Fault -- the sort of reasoning that has a wife forgiving her adulterous husband and casting all blame on the nearest (to the husband) female. Indeed, generations of ladies used to be admonished that they were responsible for making the other gender behave.

If you think you might harbor such notions, Miss Manners begs you to banish them. They are neither fair nor seemly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was a guest at a small dinner party where the host offered continuous commentary about the cost of the meal. Each time someone took a handful of unusual imported almonds, he said, "You wouldn't believe what we paid for those!"

When we expressed enjoyment of the organic chicken dish, he said, "It ought to be good -- it certainly wasn't cheap!"

A close friend of the host ventured to say, "How much do you suppose you paid per nut?" Lacking that familiarity, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests putting down your fork or your handful of nuts and saying, "I feel unworthy."

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