DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is in the midst of planning his wedding and needs your help! His bride wants to require all 175 guests to wear either khaki or white.

My friend has suggested that maybe they could just require "neutral"-color attire instead, but he still feels that it's not appropriate to require any specific colors.

We feel that only a clear direction from you, if you are in agreement, of course, that it's not a good idea to mandate colors worn by wedding guests can persuade the bride to leave this request off of the invitation.

GENTLE READER: By all means, tell the bride that Miss Manners says to calm down, take a deep breath and get a grip on herself. Her wedding guests are not extras whom she has hired to fill out a show and can therefore costume as she chooses. All she can do is to inform them of the general style of the wedding (formal or informal) and hope for the best. And do, please, reassure her, that color-coordinated guests would add nothing to her wedding except, perhaps, a humorous challenge to her authority on the part of the rebellious among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hired a tree service to remove two large trees that were very close to my house. While these workers were competent in their jobs, I was a bit taken aback when one of them asked if I had something to drink. (I recall that when I was younger and my mother had work done to our property, the workers would ask if they could take a drink of water from our outside hose, but never asked her for something to drink.)

Is this request proper? Was I supposed to have offered them something to drink in the first place?

This is not the first time this has happened. Should I have told these gentlemen to drink from the hose? What should I tell them this if it happens in the future?

GENTLE READER: It would be kinder to ensure that this does not happen in the future by offering glasses of ice water (or cold soft drinks or juice) to people who are working hard for you in the heat. But if they should ask first, you should reply graciously, "Of course," and bring it to them in whatever glasses you normally use. Miss Manners will not comment on your mother's approach, except to say that it was once common but fortunately no longer is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do when a friend invites you to dinner and then serves a frozen dinner? How do you tell her that this is not appropriate? Or is it OK? This seems like a major lack of social etiquette if you ask me. I didn't say anything at the time. I ate the dinner and thanked her for inviting me.

GENTLE READER: And now you feel remorseful because you failed to insult her?

Presuming that your friend defrosted the meal before serving it to you, Miss Manners does not acknowledge that you have cause for complaint. It is bad enough that people treat their friends houses like restaurants -- failing to show up, arriving late, bringing extra people -- without their reviewing the meals.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am struggling with the invitation list to my child's confirmation. Some of the potential invitees are members of a "poli" family.

The man is married to one woman. They live with a second woman. While I have not ever inquired about their bedding arrangements, I believe she is romantically attached to the wife. There is a third woman who dates the husband but lives elsewhere.

While they are quiet about this in their work and "in public," most of their friends know of the arrangement. They are not sneaking around -- the four of them are on excellent terms with each other. However, some of my relatives would be shocked if they knew of the relationships.

My daughter is friendly with the girlfriend, as am I. She would like to invite her. My husband and I are also friendly with the husband, whom we know through different connections. While I have met the wife and the other woman and get along with them well enough, I don't know them well enough that I would invite them to this sort of event were it not for their family connections to the husband.

So, are the four of them a package deal? Can I invite the husband and his girlfriend? Just the girlfriend? The husband and wife and girlfriend? How do I introduce them to my family?

GENTLE READER: Since you admittedly do not know the bedding arrangements of this interesting assortment, you are spared the temptation of enlivening your child's confirmation by explaining their relationships to your relatives.

You can invite only the married couple, only their household, only one or both of the single ladies, or the whole group. But in any case, you introduce them by using their names. Miss Manners is sorry if this disappoints you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People of breeding hardly need to be told that to wear an authentic "old school tie" from a school which one did not attend is the height of pretension. Similarly, in many countries, to wear orders which one has not individually been awarded is not only pretentious, but sometimes (legally) actionable.

But what about defunct orders? I have inherited a beautiful medal of the Order of St. Stanislaw, a Polish order which no longer exists. The medal is in excellent shape and could be fun to wear under the right circumstances -- "the right circumstances" not being a reception at the Polish embassy, to be sure. I have in mind a fun, dressy occasion outside of military or diplomatic circles.

Is this permissible, or would I run the risk of being labeled a parvenu?

GENTLE READER: Not a parvenu, since that has to do with showing off money or power that one has only recently acquired. Miss Manners is afraid you would only be considered an imposter for wearing a medal you did not earn.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, persons trying to EXIT should have the right of way. Such as, off a bus or elevator. But at the entrance to a restroom, I always allow incoming people to have the right of way. They may have high interior priorities:

"Man coming in has the right of way!"

GENTLE READER: Indeed. There is no such rule on the books, but Miss Manners will certainly not stand in your way.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a member of an Inn of Court in London (a requirement, I ?understand, for barristers practicing in the United Kingdom). His Inn is having a garden ?party in July, and all spouses are invited.

What does one wear to a garden ?party? I vaguely remember that British garden parties have specific ?expectations with regards to ladies' dresses -- the words "pastel" and "suit" ?come to mind, as does "no flat shoes" and possibly a hat.

My husband, who was raised in a part of England where garden parties never ?entered the picture, gave me the very helpful "It'll probably be a bit of a meat market."

GENTLE READER: "Possibly a hat?"

Miss Manners will not go so far as to declare that hats are the whole point of a garden party. Flowers are nice, too, and so are strawberries and tiny sandwiches. But hats are certainly one of the garden party's chief glories.

The idea is to look like the garden, although not in the way that is effortlessly achieved if you do the actual gardening. Rather it means large hats laden with flowers, bows and such above dresses or dressmaker suits in pastel colors or floral prints.

Dramatic hats have a practical function as well. They distract attention from looking down, where a sensible lady wears sensible shoes, knowing that more fetching high-heeled ones will betray her by immediately sinking into the turf and pinning her there, far from the strawberries.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is an invitation not an invitation? If our friends say drop by our beach house anytime, do we take that as an invitation and just go? Or if someone says let's go to the movies sometime, is that considered an invitation?

GENTLE READER: These are what we might call pre-invitations. Miss Manners would not advise banging on the beach house door some evening, screaming "Come out for a midnight swim!" or complaining, "I waited at the movie theater and you never showed up." But you have been invited to prompt an invitation ("We were thinking that next weekend might be a good time for the beach -- are you free then?") or to suggest one ("Would you be interested in going to a movie this Friday?").

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a multinational company. I frequently contact strangers who work for branches of our company in other countries via e-mail, seeking information for various projects. Since we haven't been formally introduced, should I use Mr./Ms., or should I use their first names, as is the custom in my office and other branches I have visited?

GENTLE READER: Don't you think that strangers in foreign countries have enough troubles with calls that confuse the time zones, without making them struggle to recall who is being so familiar with them?

Miss Manners has often wondered why it is so hard to understand that people who want you to call them by their first names will say so, while people who hate this coming from strangers are unfortunately reluctant to say so.

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