DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question is what is the proper way to inform someone they have a spider in their hair?

At an open house at my place of business to celebrate our 20th anniversary, one of our clients had a spider in her hair. This client is an older woman, who is not in the best of health. No one was sure how to broach the subject, since we didn't want to overtly startle her or embarrass her. What should we have done?

GENTLE READER: So what did you do? Stare into her hair, waiting to see if the spider would spin her a hairnet?

Oh, yes, you did. Miss Manners admires your fortitude in not screaming "Eeeek!" or plunging your hands into the lady's hair unannounced. But leaving her with a resident spider was not a happy solution.

What you should have done was to say quietly, "I think I see something that has fallen into your hair. May I get it out for you, or would you prefer to go and take care of it?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in south Florida and lately have had uninvited guests who announce their arrival just days before a prolonged stay. My husband is not retired, and I work out of the home, and these "guests," although they say not to go out of our way, really do expect us to do some amount of entertaining.

They offer no help with any household chores, nor do they offer to buy us dinner or pay for a movie or any other assistance. Since they don't rent a car, we must pick them up at the airport and drive anyplace we go. After five weeks of this kind of visitor, I confess that I am burned out and want the privacy of my own home back.

My husband doesn't seem to mind so much, but that is because he works long hours and is not around them like I am.

If they could reciprocate the hospitality, it might be different, but they either cannot or choose not to invite us to spend an equal amount of time at their home up north.

Please, you always seem to have the correct words to handle this type of situation. What can we say to these people to discourage them the next time they call announcing their arrival?

GENTLE READER: "Why, what a coincidence! We were just leaving to go and visit you."

Miss Manners promises you that would stop them dead. But if you don't want to go that far, there are a number of other things you could say at any stage of this takeover: "I'm so sorry, we won't be able to have you here now" or "Why don't you rent a car at the airport, because I'm afraid I won't be able to pick you up, and that way, you'll be able to get around town during your visit" or "Sorry, I'm exhausted and I haven't done a thing about dinner tonight."

However, if you have misled Miss Manners, she may be misdirecting you. Are these people, by any chance, your husband's family? In that case, it is he to whom you should be setting limits.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having immigrated here 30-plus years ago, I understand that life in a new country is intimidating. We go through culture shock and try to hang on to our customs, because they're familiar.

Yet I am appalled at the manners of many immigrants. Of recent years no one has been forced to come to this country. So, we can only assume that those who are here have come because the U.S.A. offers a better life.

Yes, there are some Americans who are unpleasant, but I have found the vast majority to be wonderful. Initially, I was critical, but it's a passing phase, based in insecurity. This country has been better to me than the land of my birth ever was. It is my home. There comes a point where we have to decide to either embrace this country or depart for another destination.

Do not continue to "use" the benefits provided by life here while insulting those who provide you with that opportunity. I think that what initially appeared to be a handicap (the fact that I knew no one from my original country) turned out to be a blessing, as it forced me to integrate. God bless America.

GENTLE READER: Yes, indeed. And one of our blessings is the ability to grouse without its putting one's basic loyalties into question.

It seems to Miss Manners that you are in an excellent position to say that you, too, felt critical at first, but have come to appreciate the very benefits that probably prompted you -- and them -- to immigrate. An American tradition that ought to be practiced more often by everyone is that of helping smooth the way for newcomers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 30-year-old daughter, who has been with her husband for seven years and married for two, came over with her husband for lunch last Saturday and announced with a big smile that she had some good news -- she was pregnant.

I, of course, squealed with excitement. This would be my first, long-awaited, dearly desired grandchild.

The next remark, delivered deadpan, was my husband's: "Are you going to keep it?"

I was shocked and my daughter looked offended, so I tried to act if my husband was just joking outrageously and admonished him playfully. Later, when I asked in private why he had made that remark, he said he was just joking. But he has said before in public that he is not ready to be a grandfather, so I believe his mixed feeling about the event produced this negative response.

Should he apologize to my daughter and her husband for spoiling the most exciting news my daughter has ever delivered by implying that she might be considering destroying her baby?

GENTLE READER: Of course -- but saying that he is sorry he said it is not enough to do the job. Especially if your daughter is aware of his idiotic feeling that the child will block his delusion of youth, she will think him sorry only that he blurted out his feelings.

So part one of the apology will have to stick with the story that he was joking, along with an admission of shame about what poor taste it was. Part two will be to bolster the joke excuse by declaring heartily that he was sure everyone would realize that it was the exact opposite of his true feelings.

Lame, Miss Manners admits. But if he then smothers everyone with congratulations and enthusiasm, it will do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past two years, two people I know have had GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), in both cases going from female to male. Though it takes a bit of getting used to (having known each of them for 20-odd years), I accept their decisions. However, I find myself with problems of etiquette.

Let's say I knew Jane for 19 years and have now known James (post GRS) for one year:

If someone asks, "How long have you known James?" should I answer "One year" or "20 years"?

If talking about the past, do I say "I first met him ..." (since he is now male), or do I say "I first met her ..." (since that was her gender when we met)?

One can sometimes dodge the issue by saying something like "We've known each other a long time ..." but this seems a temporary solution at best.

In my particular case, I would not expect the fact that they had had GRS to be unknown to any others in a conversation. In addition, they know that I am generally supportive and any slips would be from old habits or because our language is not designed to handle people who have changed gender. A slip would be something we could laugh about and dismiss.

But others who have had GRS might wish to leave their past behind them, at least in front of strangers. If one does not know that all others in a conversation know about the GRS, would that change any of the answers given to the questions above?

GENTLE READER-Suppose you have known sweet Peony Little, the girl next door, ever since she was born, 20 years ago. One day she marries that nice boy down the street, Ethan Turtle. She now calls herself Peony Turtle.

How long have you known her?

And if someone asks "How long have you known Mrs. Turtle?" do you claim that you just met her, because the person you knew before was Miss Little?

See? It isn't that hard.

Miss Manners should not have to remind you that whatever adjustments have been made, and whatever pronoun confusion results (use the pronoun that is currently correct), a person is still that person.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always thought that you said good evening after 1200 and before 1800. The other night, I greeted a close friend with "good night," and in front of all, she attempted to correct me about my manners. Out of curiosity, could you attempt to shine some light on this matter?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, on condition that you not then ask Miss Manners why.

It is purely a matter of convention that one says "Good evening" upon greeting people after dusk and "Good night" on parting with them. From noon until 6 p.m., the proper greeting is "Good afternoon," which can also substitute for "Goodbye" as upon parting. At no time of day should people embarrass their friends by correcting their manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attend my high school reunion this summer, I will need an appropriate response for a seemingly harmless question that others are likely to ask me -- where is my best friend and their former classmate? I'm saddened to report that my friend passed away several years ago, shortly after childbirth.

What would be the appropriate way to respond to such a question in a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: "I am saddened to report ..."

Reunions are, by definition, occasions on which to hear news of one's classmates, so such questions are harmless, even if the reply must be a sad one.

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