DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past two years, two people I know have had GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), in both cases going from female to male. Though it takes a bit of getting used to (having known each of them for 20-odd years), I accept their decisions. However, I find myself with problems of etiquette.

Let's say I knew Jane for 19 years and have now known James (post GRS) for one year:

If someone asks, "How long have you known James?" should I answer "One year" or "20 years"?

If talking about the past, do I say "I first met him ..." (since he is now male), or do I say "I first met her ..." (since that was her gender when we met)?

One can sometimes dodge the issue by saying something like "We've known each other a long time ..." but this seems a temporary solution at best.

In my particular case, I would not expect the fact that they had had GRS to be unknown to any others in a conversation. In addition, they know that I am generally supportive and any slips would be from old habits or because our language is not designed to handle people who have changed gender. A slip would be something we could laugh about and dismiss.

But others who have had GRS might wish to leave their past behind them, at least in front of strangers. If one does not know that all others in a conversation know about the GRS, would that change any of the answers given to the questions above?

GENTLE READER-Suppose you have known sweet Peony Little, the girl next door, ever since she was born, 20 years ago. One day she marries that nice boy down the street, Ethan Turtle. She now calls herself Peony Turtle.

How long have you known her?

And if someone asks "How long have you known Mrs. Turtle?" do you claim that you just met her, because the person you knew before was Miss Little?

See? It isn't that hard.

Miss Manners should not have to remind you that whatever adjustments have been made, and whatever pronoun confusion results (use the pronoun that is currently correct), a person is still that person.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always thought that you said good evening after 1200 and before 1800. The other night, I greeted a close friend with "good night," and in front of all, she attempted to correct me about my manners. Out of curiosity, could you attempt to shine some light on this matter?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, on condition that you not then ask Miss Manners why.

It is purely a matter of convention that one says "Good evening" upon greeting people after dusk and "Good night" on parting with them. From noon until 6 p.m., the proper greeting is "Good afternoon," which can also substitute for "Goodbye" as upon parting. At no time of day should people embarrass their friends by correcting their manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attend my high school reunion this summer, I will need an appropriate response for a seemingly harmless question that others are likely to ask me -- where is my best friend and their former classmate? I'm saddened to report that my friend passed away several years ago, shortly after childbirth.

What would be the appropriate way to respond to such a question in a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: "I am saddened to report ..."

Reunions are, by definition, occasions on which to hear news of one's classmates, so such questions are harmless, even if the reply must be a sad one.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my dental practice, I see a lot of children who are grammatically challenged. As their dentist, would it be proper for me to gently correct them of their trespasses against the English language, or should I turn a deaf ear to their oral cavity?

GENTLE READER: Are your young patients so overly eager to spend time with you that you feel the need to make the experience less enticing than it already is?

And have you already taught them to take such perfect care of their teeth that you are ready to move into other educational areas?

If so, Miss Manners hopes you will volunteer as an English tutor. In your day job, the mouth is under your professional jurisdiction, but the words emanating from it are not. Youth should not be considered an invitation to embarrass people about their general inadvertent failings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend, and college roommate, is blind. She has been blind since she was 4. When we go anywhere together, for example, grocery stores or restaurants, people that are helping us direct every question to me including questions that she should answer when she is standing right in front of them.

They look at me and ask "What does she want to drink?" or "Does she want...?"

Most times I pointedly ask her what the question was to demonstrate that she can answer on her own, but even after that they still continue to direct questions to me. How do I politely get them to direct their questions to her?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners understands what you mean by asking your friend what the question was, you could have an amusing dialogue going:

"What was the question?"

"He wants to know what I want to drink."

"Well, what do you want to drink?' and so on.

But in the interest of time, and of gently making these people realize how thoughtless and ridiculous they are being, you could simply reply, "I don't know. Why don't you ask her?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I offered my aunt a few hours of free babysitting to thank her for lending me her clarinet for a semester. The other day, I came over to watch the kids for five hours, half of which time they spent napping. As I was leaving, she paid me what looked like a 20 and two singles.

When I returned home, I realized that I had forgotten my offer for free babysitting. Then, reaching into my pocket, I discovered that she had actually handed me $40!

I called her up immediately and reminded her that I was doing this for free. She wouldn't hear it. I asked if she had accidentally given me more than she meant to, but she insisted she meant to give me the 40. My dad suggests I mail her the money in an envelope with a note, but my hunch is that I should just let it go. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you and your aunt are both charmingly generous. Rather than returning the money, it would be more gracious, Miss Manners believes, to use it to take your cousins on a little excursion, making it clear that they are your guests, and this has nothing to do with babysitting.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our baby's nanny is beloved to all of us, and we'd like to invite her to be our guest at the first-birthday party. If she attends, should we pay her for her time and for carfare?

GENTLE READER: Absolutely.

No doubt your nanny loves the baby dearly and wouldn't miss the party for the world. But hard as it may be for you, as parents, to imagine, she also has her own life and other ways to spend her free time.

Furthermore, she is not going to stand staring out the window if the baby needs something while you are not in immediate attendance. So there she would be, giving up her free time to work for free.

Miss Manners would consider the most gracious solution to be first merely to ask the nanny to be there and to pay her for that in advance or offer a compensatory day off, but then, at the event itself, to say, "I'm sure I can manage -- please just consider yourself a guest and have a good time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here in the United States, people just say "hello" when answering the telephone, and to me it's very impolite not to say at least your first name.

It is also very confusing because I have to ask the person that has answered who it is. Some people in the same family can have very similar voices. I am from Scandinavia, and there we answer with your full name, and some people even say their telephone number. Is there a historic explanation? Privacy thing? Safety issue?

GENTLE READER: Actually, there is an historic reason. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, was startled enough during the first test simply to shout to his assistant, "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you!" Although this remains the attitude of most callers, it is impolite to assume that others should be at your beck and telephone call.

Dr. Bell then thought better of it and suggested "Hoy, hoy," but it was Thomas Edison who refined this by inventing the word "Hello."

Miss Manners agrees that the current American social system, by which the caller then has to guess whom he has reached, is awkward. (The business system does require answering with the name of the person and/or business. And sometimes using the telephone system's identification system solves the problem, although people do make calls from telephones other than their own, and home lines usually serve more than one person.)

It results in such nonsensical floundering as:

"Tony?"

"No."

"Oh, I'm trying to reach Tony. Is this his son? You sound just like him."

"Who are you and what do you want?"

But it strikes Miss Manners as the responsibility of the caller, not the callee, to give an identification first, as is done in some countries. The callee could well cite a safety or privacy issue, or could simply want to pretend he is someone else when he finds out who is calling.

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