DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every working day, I pass over a toll bridge on my way to and from work. In the summer, when I have the air conditioner turned on, I always turn it off as I approach the toll taker.

I was rather unconscious of this until recently when I had a passenger named Dave along, and as I reached for the on off switch Dave beat me to the punch. As we left the tollbooth, I switched the air conditioner back on and after a few seconds I asked Dave why he had done it.

He had no memory of doing so. We discussed this behavior for several minutes and concluded that somehow it seemed rude to have the cold air blasting out of the car as we were transacting our business with the toll taker.

Is this behavior covered by some more general rule or are we just being finicky?

GENTLE READER: Are you implying that there is something wrong with being finicky? Uh-oh.

Yet Miss Manners had never heard of this refinement, and it is all the more impressive that you were both unthinkingly polite. There is a lot of the other kind of unthinking behavior on the roads, including at toll booths, so if you promise Miss Manners that this is a real courtesy that doesn't hold up the works, she congratulates you both on the discovery.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please provide guidelines for terminating unpleasant conversations with a person seated next to me on an airplane.

On one journey, the fellow in the adjacent seat started a conversation by telling me that he was curious about my opinion of U.S. policy in Iraq. When I told him that I did not wish to discuss the subject, he loudly said: "Oh, then you just don't care about the troops."

Patiently, I told a falsehood, stating that my day had been difficult and that I simply wished to be alone.

Several months later, another passenger began a similar exchange and I perhaps overreacted by stating that I had no interest in his opinions and remained confident that we could finish the flight without another word to each other.

Although this worked, I visibly saddened. To avoid the social sin of committing verbal abuse or the intolerability of being the subject of such, I ask Miss Manners to suggest a utilitarian and perfectly polite sentence or two for turning one's fellow passengers to the "off" position.

GENTLE READER: Alas, this is how rudeness spreads. You reacted politely to rudeness, but then let the rude response you got push you into self-doubt and into being rude yourself on the next similar occasion.

The way to deal with such rude people is to refuse to deal with them, which you did. Being rude, he took a parting shot, but then you were quit of him.

In the second instance, you accomplished this by being rude yourself.

It was perfectly all right to say that you had had a difficult day and wished to be alone. It was even the literal truth, as your seatmate had created the difficulty and you did, indeed, wish him to leave you alone. It also worked. But did you really want to copy the manners of those you found offensive?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please advise me of the polite way to remind a grandfather to send a college graduation gift to his granddaughter.

I am the mother of the new college graduate, and I am disappointed that my father has allowed his wife (not my mother) to send my daughter a card that she made on the computer, without a graduation gift.

I telephoned my father to inquire about his gift to my daughter, gently reminding him that graduation season is now over. He told me that he had to take care of his wife's broken bridgework, etc.

Should I bring this up again if no gift is forthcoming in the near future? If yes, how should I bring the subject up? This is the first grandchild to graduate from college.

I will also let you know that birthday gifts to my children are months late, if the gifts ever arrive. The same with Christmas gifts. (In the past, when I have brought this to the attention of my Dad, he acted offended.) Also, I know that my Dad's wife regularly buys gifts for her own grandchildren, and since her grandchildren live near my Dad and his wife, they are frequent (sometimes daily) visitors. My children (my father's only biological grandchildren) live several states away.

GENTLE READER: Just a wild guess, but perhaps you do not like your stepmother?

You may have ample reason, for all Miss Manners knows, and you probably cringed at her applying the term "mother," however modified, to your father's wife.

But none of this trumps the fact that presents are always voluntary, and attempts to extract them are rude and therefore justly offensive to the targets. If your father chooses to ignore his grandchildren, it is a sad loss to him, as well as to them. But periodic payments in the form of presents do not alone establish a relationship -- even if you could succeed in getting them, which you plainly cannot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an aging dog (13 years old) that has been arthritic for four years now. She still loves going for walks, and this actually helps her.

But during these walks, at least one to three passers-by comment to me on the age of my dog. This seems rude to me, as I love this dog dearly and they are essentially pointing out that her days are numbered. I actually had a guy tell me, "That dog is on its last leg" (and that was two years ago)!

Were this an isolated or rare event, I wouldn't mind so much, but the fact that I can count on it every walk has me at a constant loss for a proper response. The best reply I can come up with is "Yes, she is probably going to die soon."

How would you suggest I should respond?

GENTLE READER: Politely, of course -- by saying, "She's fine, thank you; are you all right?" And by resolving never to let these people meet your parents.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a rather lively (yet positive) debate about the engagement ring. I oh-so-innocently asked the question, "What if the lady does not like the ring the man chose? Is there some etiquette or some rule that tells us if and how and when she can ask to exchange that ring for one that is more to her liking?"

Well, some people thought that rejecting the ring is tantamount to rejecting the proposal and the man making the proposal.

Others are vigorously defending the woman, saying that no true gentleman would foist a gaudy blob on the woman he loves, nor be so uncouth as to expect her to wear it day in and day out (which sparked a side debate about whether or not the engagement ring is worn for the rest of your life).

Yet others automatically assumed that the woman was expecting something more (bigger diamond, basically) and made disparaging remarks about a woman who would consider the price tag and status symbol more important than the ring's purpose as a symbol of the promise to marry.

Someone then mentioned that you might have the answer to this puzzle.

So, suppose that two people are genuinely in love (and not driven by lust or other nonpermanent emotions) and ready for marriage (with each other). Suppose that the gentleman took it upon himself to buy/design an engagement ring, and he did his best to get something she would like. Suppose he pops the question, on his knee, all romantic, with the velvet box.

Suppose she accepts with delight. BUT she does not like the style of the ring. Perhaps her idea of "classic" is different from his. Perhaps the giant diamond is just too unwieldy. Perhaps the styling does not work for hands of her size and looks disproportionate.

Should the lady simply keep her mouth shut and wear it and be grateful she has an engagement ring?

Is it acceptable for a lady in such a situation to ask to get it exchanged? If yes, then how and when?

Should a gentleman be offended by such a request?

If it is acceptable to exchange that unattractive engagement ring for another, how should the engaged couple do this? Shall they travel to the jewelers together? Shall the lady go alone (or with her friends)? Would the jeweler the gent bought the ring from take it back for a full refund? What if the jeweler's policy is no refunds, only exchange or store credit, and there is nothing in that store to the lady's liking?

GENTLE READER: OK, you've given Miss Manners enough to work with. You can stop now.

The surprise ring dates back to when the gentleman was likely to produce a family ring, and it fell into abeyance when gentlemen without family jewelry were nevertheless deemed eligible. Sensibly, then the proposal came first; some time subsequently, the lady was taken to chose from a variety of rings that the gentleman had had put aside as meeting his budget.

Now that producing a ring is considered central to the drama of a proposal, it has become a package deal. To take one without the other would not only irk a gentleman who spent weeks learning about the Four Cs of judging diamonds. It would confuse him.

This does not mean that the lady is stuck with it forever, although we hope she sticks with him. In a happy moment, far from the proposal time, preferably after the wedding, she says musingly, "I always want to wear my engagement ring, but it's not comfortable for every day. Do you mind if I have it reset?"

By this time, he has forgotten the Four Cs and his investment in them, and probably prefers not to be troubled with the matter.

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