DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a rather lively (yet positive) debate about the engagement ring. I oh-so-innocently asked the question, "What if the lady does not like the ring the man chose? Is there some etiquette or some rule that tells us if and how and when she can ask to exchange that ring for one that is more to her liking?"

Well, some people thought that rejecting the ring is tantamount to rejecting the proposal and the man making the proposal.

Others are vigorously defending the woman, saying that no true gentleman would foist a gaudy blob on the woman he loves, nor be so uncouth as to expect her to wear it day in and day out (which sparked a side debate about whether or not the engagement ring is worn for the rest of your life).

Yet others automatically assumed that the woman was expecting something more (bigger diamond, basically) and made disparaging remarks about a woman who would consider the price tag and status symbol more important than the ring's purpose as a symbol of the promise to marry.

Someone then mentioned that you might have the answer to this puzzle.

So, suppose that two people are genuinely in love (and not driven by lust or other nonpermanent emotions) and ready for marriage (with each other). Suppose that the gentleman took it upon himself to buy/design an engagement ring, and he did his best to get something she would like. Suppose he pops the question, on his knee, all romantic, with the velvet box.

Suppose she accepts with delight. BUT she does not like the style of the ring. Perhaps her idea of "classic" is different from his. Perhaps the giant diamond is just too unwieldy. Perhaps the styling does not work for hands of her size and looks disproportionate.

Should the lady simply keep her mouth shut and wear it and be grateful she has an engagement ring?

Is it acceptable for a lady in such a situation to ask to get it exchanged? If yes, then how and when?

Should a gentleman be offended by such a request?

If it is acceptable to exchange that unattractive engagement ring for another, how should the engaged couple do this? Shall they travel to the jewelers together? Shall the lady go alone (or with her friends)? Would the jeweler the gent bought the ring from take it back for a full refund? What if the jeweler's policy is no refunds, only exchange or store credit, and there is nothing in that store to the lady's liking?

GENTLE READER: OK, you've given Miss Manners enough to work with. You can stop now.

The surprise ring dates back to when the gentleman was likely to produce a family ring, and it fell into abeyance when gentlemen without family jewelry were nevertheless deemed eligible. Sensibly, then the proposal came first; some time subsequently, the lady was taken to chose from a variety of rings that the gentleman had had put aside as meeting his budget.

Now that producing a ring is considered central to the drama of a proposal, it has become a package deal. To take one without the other would not only irk a gentleman who spent weeks learning about the Four Cs of judging diamonds. It would confuse him.

This does not mean that the lady is stuck with it forever, although we hope she sticks with him. In a happy moment, far from the proposal time, preferably after the wedding, she says musingly, "I always want to wear my engagement ring, but it's not comfortable for every day. Do you mind if I have it reset?"

By this time, he has forgotten the Four Cs and his investment in them, and probably prefers not to be troubled with the matter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Early last year, I began collecting dolls. The hobby has brought me a lot of joy; I sew doll clothes, paint the dolls, take photographs and meet with other local enthusiasts.

Initially, friends and family thought it was cute and harmless. However, the dolls cost a few hundred dollars each, and people closest to me know this, either directly from me or from Web sites I have sent them to.

I am not fiscally irresponsible, even with a hobby I love, but after the most recent doll made its appearance, the reactions have turned more tepid. I get questions along the lines of, "Why are you buying more? How many do you need?"

Whether it is the price tag or the quantity of dolls or the combination thereof, somehow others feel a need to voice some kind of disapproval on how I spend money on enjoyable frivolities.

Is there a proper way to communicate that I find this hurtful? I love my dolls, but I don't want anyone to think he or she is less important than them.

GENTLE READER: And you were kind enough not to mention that one of them spends a ridiculous amount of money on fine wines, another has a handbag collection of more than she could ever use, and a third spends so much time bird-watching that you can't imagine that spotting one more bird could possibly mean anything to him.

You don't need to say that these remarks are hurtful; you only need to stop them. Miss Manners hopes that you stop talking about your hobby to those you discover are not interested. Beyond that, you can cut off criticism by saying gently, "Well, it's a hobby that a lot of other people love, but anyone who doesn't can't understand."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I share a two-bedroom apartment with a couple. From the moment they come home from work until I fall asleep, I have to listen to them talking.

Our apartment is small and our bedrooms are next to each other. I spend all of my time in my room, never have anyone over and barely speak on the phone so I feel I'm a very quiet roommate. The bedroom walls aren't soundproof, so I can't even get peace retreating to my room. There rarely is a moment of silence.

It's driving me insane! I just want to tell them to SHUT UP, but I don't think that would be the best approach. How can I get that peace and quiet I'm looking for?

GENTLE READER: These aren't your parents, are they?

Miss Manners only asks because she is wondering why you don't simply find yourself more compatible roommates. But then, if they were your parents, you might not be suffering the lack of silence in silence.

Neighbors and roommates may be faulted for shouting, blasting electronic sounds, practicing their volleyball serves against the wall and barking. And probably for many other noises that don't bear thinking about.

But you can hardly blame a couple for conversing with each other in their own room of their own apartment. Either you or they need to get out more, preferably for good.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I began receiving disability income several years ago, I have often been asked what I do for a living. My disability has very personal aspects, and I sometimes do not feel comfortable talking about it, especially with relative strangers.

I have tried replying that I am writing a book, but many people are not satisfied with that answer. Would you please suggest a polite way to deal with this inquiry?

GENTLE READER: Not satisfied with "writing a book"?

Why, Miss Manners can hardly think of a more respectable occupation that has no visible results for years.

Try "I'm writing a screen play."

Most Americans are. Besides, that counts as true even if you have only gotten to the stage of walking out of movie theaters thinking, "I could put together something better than that."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are at our wits' end trying to figure out what to do. Our daughter eloped last month while we were dog-sitting her two dogs and under the pretense she was going on vacation. She had not planned on sharing this information until after she returned home, but was unable to find anyone else to dog-sit.

On the day she returned to pick up her animals, she demanded a wedding gift and card.

We were totally surprised and very hurt that she would run off with her fiance and not include us in the event. As her mother, I was especially disappointed because she has commented for the past 15 years (she is 36) how she would like her wedding, what her dress would look like, etc.

She just sent out announcements that included notice that there will be a reception this summer (in a park setting). Our quandry is this: Do we owe her a wedding gift now or in July? Since she chose to exclude us from her nuptials, are we expected to pay for a portion of the "reception"? If so, what part or how much? This is becoming an issue between us. Her birthday is next week and she indicated she would like her wedding gift before she receives her birthday gift. Right now I feel so betrayed, I don't want to give her either. How do you recommend we handle this?

GENTLE READER: The same way she did -- by running away. Fast.

It will come as a shock to your daughter, and apparently to you as well, to hear that getting married is not considered to be equivalent to performing a service for others, for which they must pay.

The last Miss Manners checked, adults had control over their own money and had no financial obligations to their adult children. That so many of them sponsor their children's weddings and give them presents presumably is because these are supposed to be happy family occasions, and they take joy in pleasing their children.

If you feel that way, by all means accede to your daughter's demands. If not, Miss Manners would consider that you did quite enough for her on this occasion by minding her dogs.

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