DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you can assist me in determining the appropriate means and milieu to announce an engagement.

As of yesterday, I became "officially" engaged to my long term, live-in boyfriend. I use the term "officially" since I actually received the ring I had picked out approximately 18 months ago and we have been living together for nearly two years. A number of circumstances (including a sibling who was diagnosed and subsequently passed away from an extended illness) delayed the time between our decision to wed and the presentation of the ring.

In response to my family's numerous questions about when we would marry during that time, I responded that we had already decided to do so and were not in any hurry (which is true). However, I have been referring to him as my "fiance" since that time.

Now that I've received the ring, I am joyful. I want to share my joy with others (including former co-workers whom I consider close acquaintances and with whom I wish to share this good news, since they supported me during difficult times), but I am uncomfortable for two reasons:

??1) Since I have been referring to him as my fiance for so long, I assume that these folks might rightly wonder what the big deal is about the ring.

2) I fear that providing this information is the equivalent of soliciting congratulations. I am not comfortable being the object of attention, nor do I wish for others who are not very close friends to think that I am merely telling them as a means of bragging or of soliciting gifts. (We are not planning any sort of engagement party.)

Although a date is not set, we plan to have a small intimate wedding with only very close friends and family -- these colleagues would not be invited. With all this in mind, is it appropriate to mention my engagement or to send an informal e-mail with a photograph of us together?

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners would like to help you prolong the excitement by declaring 47 stages of engagement, she is afraid that your forebodings are accurate. There are only so many times you can expect a burst of enthusiasm by announcing the same engagement.

Whatever terminology you and your fiance enjoy using is fine between you, but you actually became engaged whenever you agreed to marry. You then went public with it and, Miss Manners trusts, received everyone's good wishes. You may now go around confiding to friends that you received an engagement ring, which is, indeed, tantamount to asking for admiration, but is generally indulged.

But one is allowed only so many "Guess what!" moments.

Once you let go of the idea of "official" occasions, you will be able to revert to your normal polite consideration of who would like to know what, and to put it in a normally friendly form.

That you now have an engagement ring will be of interest only to those who are close to you, or those whose engagement rings you have admired. Relatives should be receptive to pictures of you and your fiance, as should any good friends who have not met him. As long as you think of all this as part of the normal give and take of minor news that friends and family trade, rather than as An Announcement, you should be able to spread the word without undue self-aggrandizement.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a smoker. I devote a fair amount of time to smoking as politely as I possibly can, reserving it for my own home, the homes of other smokers and the open air. What do I do when I am smoking outdoors and perfect strangers walk up to me and tell me that smoking is wrong? I can hardly reply, "That is true, but you are wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts, which is also wrong." (Well, I suppose I could, but it hardly seems polite.) I have taken to simply giving the offender a freezing stare and inquiring if we have been introduced. When did people begin to feel empowered to walk up to total strangers and comment on their habits?

GENTLE READER: When they redefined nosiness as philanthropy, undeterred by the fact that, as in your case, such tactics never work. Miss Manners is grateful that you understand that this does not justify your critiquing them in return. It would be more effective to utter a startled, "Really? Uh-oh."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was a house guest, my hostess' fiance asked if I would like to play cards with them (rummy, I think). I tried to beg off, saying that I hadn't played cards since I was a child, and I really didn't know enough about it for anyone to enjoy playing with me.

He insisted, saying he'd teach me. He explained the rules, but I was slow to pick up the procedures, and he became impatient as he corrected my all too frequent errors. Several times he barked, "Think!" or "You know better than that, I told you!" Of course, I became more flustered, made even more mistakes, and it went on and on -- I felt like I was being scolded for being a dunce, and it was anything but a pleasant pastime.

Finally I said, "I'm afraid I'm not doing very well at this game, and I need to get up early tomorrow, so please excuse me." But "George" and my hostess both pressed me to play to the end of the game, saying "Oh, you have to play out the game or it will spoil it for everyone." ("Everyone" was just the three of us.)

I held my tongue, continued to play ineptly to the end, and eventually made my escape, though my own evening had certainly been spoiled.

I don't think I will be playing cards with that couple again, but was it rude of me to excuse myself before finishing the game, under the circumstances? What should one do when one is a tyro, especially when one is not able to play a game well enough for everyone to enjoy it?

GENTLE READER: Let us hope that this gentleman does not decide to insert himself into the educational system. Gang pressing people into a new activity and then insulting them for not understanding it immediately is not a good pedagogical technique.

Your attempt to escape was legitimate and your hosts were wrong to block it. But considering that you were their guest, Miss Manners commends you for submitting.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A brother whom I love is planning his wedding in a religious ceremony I disagree with. Is there a way to honor him and his bride while in no way implying I endorse the religious ceremony?

I seem to remember reading in the past about standing when they proceed up and down the aisle but sitting through everything else. (Although I also heartily disapprove of the father "giving" his daughter away so would choke on the walk up the aisle.) Or I've thought of skipping the wedding ceremony and attending the reception.

Sometimes I remind myself that this is their day and it may not matter to anyone else what I choose to do. However, over the last couple years, I've been making tremendous progress in thinking about what I believe in and acting on it. I do not want to make a scene but I do want to be true to myself.

GENTLE READER: Then you should not attend if you don't approve of the bridesmaids' dresses. And stay away from the reception if you haven't been given approval rights over the flavor of the wedding cake.

Where did you get the vainglorious idea that your presence at your brother's wedding would constitute putting your seal of approval on any theological or social ritual involved? You are not there as a judge, but as a witness. Anything you do to show disapproval, including boycotting the ceremony, will only symbolize disapproval of your brother or of his bride.

Miss Manners has learned to be wary of those who declare too roundly that they are true to themselves. Too often it turns out to be at the expense of decencies toward others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends and I often attend springtime home and garden tours put on by various neighborhood and historic preservation groups.

On many of these tours, we find ourselves trying to exit from a house after touring it and are unable to do so as we open the door and large numbers of folks keep entering -- showing no pause in relenting to let us exit. The same happens when we are at an upstairs level attempting to descend on often-narrow staircases that only allow one-way traffic. The person at the top is stuck as one person after another comes up and never glances up to see if anyone would like to come down.

I've also run into this problem during large parties at private homes and at open-house real-estate showings. My instinct is that the person wanting to exit or descend has the right-of-way, but this is obviously not the general instinct, as people continue to barge in or pile up the stairs as those stranded at the top landing or just inside the door stand helplessly back against the throng, creating ever more of a crowd inside. What is the appropriate procedure?

GENTLE READER: Let's assume that those entering don't see that there are people at the top. Miss Manners doesn't believe it, either, having encountered those people while she was trying to get off a bus, but let's assume it. To enlighten them, you tell them, "Coming out, please. Let us get out of your way so you'll have room to get through."

Then you stand helplessly back as they barge through anyway.

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