DEAR MISS MANNERS: A spring break visit by my 14-year-old grandson was marred by his fascination with the handheld electronic toy he brought with him. It seemed at every idle moment, he'd be engrossed in some electronic competition, unwilling to respond to questions or participate in conversation. Needless to say, his grandmother and I seriously wanted to engage him in discussions about the family, his future and other topics of interest.

When pressed to quit, he'd explain, "I'm not at save point yet" and would play on for a minute or so more before he would shut down the game.

I wouldn't want to rob the boy his entertainment, but this was an insidious intrusion into our home and led to some strong words between us. Short of running it over with the family car, what sort of electronic-game policy would Miss Manners suggest in future visits with the lad? That is if he's ever willing to return.

GENTLE READER: Certainly no guest should escape -- electronically or by other means -- while his hosts are trying to entertain him. But you will have to forgive Miss Manners for noticing that that was not exactly what you were doing.

You were trying to grill him. A young person's family and future are not likely to be what you call "topics of interest" for him to discuss, unless he brought them up himself, which does not seem to be the case here. That they are topics of interest to his grandparents, Miss Manners does not doubt. But just as your visitor had an obligation to you, you had one to him.

You are not going to lure him to return -- at least not to return willingly -- by reopening the electronics-game question. What you should be doing instead is finding out from his parents what other interests he might have that you could reasonably share -- a sport, a play or film, a board game, a sightseeing excursion -- and issuing an invitation that he might find enticing.

You should also engage him in conversation about his interests, even if this means you have to listen to topics less thrilling to you than family gossip or his chances of becoming president.

If that toy appears, do not confiscate or deride it. Instead, ask him to show you how it works. That should get him talking and, with any luck, you may be able to move the conversation to other topics. In any case, retreating behind a newspaper or otherwise cutting him off would be rude -- the grown-up equivalent of what he did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I continue to see wedding processions where the father walks on the right hand side of the bride. (Hollywood movies and weddings coordinated by wedding consultants). Etiquette books say that the correct side of the bride is the left. Will you please tell me which you believe is correct? I'm a wedding consultant, and I'm often challenged by clients on this point.

GENTLE READER: Whether the bride and bridegroom are suited to one another may be a matter of belief, but that a gentleman always gives his right arm to a lady is a matter of custom. Miss Manners believes that you could save yourself a lot of trouble by telling your clients not to get their manners from the movies. Etiquette books are more reliable, since they don't have to worry about camera angles.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the course of many years, because of my professional and social activities, I have been privileged to be invited to lunches and dinners at the White House, the governor's manson and other such venues. On a trip to Europe, I was a guest at a dinner at the residence of our ambassador to a major European country. Since the ambassador and his wife are friends, I immediately sent a thank you note to the ambassador's wife, as I have always been taught to do.

Several friends said that in this instance and the other official entertainments, I should have sent my thank you to the ambassador, president, governor, etc., and not to their wives.

What is your opinion and direction?

GENTLE READER: Your friends gave you an opinion; Miss Manners can direct you to what is correct. Etiquette, especially at the level of protocol, is not something you can figure out for yourself by deciding what ought to be done without knowing what is customarily done, and therefore expected.

When you are on official business, it is perfectly true that the male office holder is the person responsible for your invitation, and his wife is a private citizen. Nevertheless, she is considered the hostess, to whom the letter of thanks should be addressed.

Does it follow that when you are entertained by a female office holder, you should write to her husband? No. The lady is still considered the hostess.

Is this fair (as your friends would argue)? Is it logical? No. Should it change?

Possibly. After government has fully recognized the injustice of expecting wives to run the protocol side of such jobs for free or meager pay, they may choose not to attend official events. But if they do, treating them as presiding hostesses may be one of those anachronistic courtesies that we maintain simply because it feels rude not to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both professors at a very small, private liberal arts college (about 750 students). Because of its size, we get to really know and love many students!

We get invited to many graduation parties and receptions, and always manage to get to every party and spend a few minutes conversing with and congratulating the graduate. I love finding just the right card for each student, and I personalize each one for him/her.

However, we cannot afford to give everyone a gift. A friend of mine says my husband and I should not attend the parties if we do not bring a gift. Is she right?

GENTLE READER: That there is an admission charge to parties? No. Oddly enough, guests are supposed to be invited because the hosts want the pleasure of their company.

Although the world is unfortunately full of people who grasp for more, Miss Manners doubts that this is the case here. What you and your husband have presumably already given these students is of inestimable value, and your continued interest doubtless confers a pleasure beyond that of any trinket.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have friends that stay with us at least one week ?each year, ?and although we enjoy their company, ?we desperately need your advice. We live in a small house and therefore it is impossible for more than two people to engage in ?prep work and cooking.

Our friends enjoy cooking as much as we do, and they insist on taking ?over our kitchen and preparing meals without our consent. We have tried ?sharing the experience, but each time it resulted in our being pushed out of the room.

It is stressful to plan meals because they want to ?participate in that, as well. They have no dietary restrictions, only palate ?restrictions, and ?despite the fact that none of us are professional chefs, and we entertain on a regular basis, ?we feel insulted that when it comes to this couple, our skills don't appear to cut the cake.

What does one do when guests feel comfortable whipping up meals, going ?through cupboards looking for ingredients, and taking cooking utensils ?out of our hands while forcibly insisting on preparing our meals?

I ?have made ?comments such as, "Oh please, allow me to cook for you. I enjoy it!" ?However ?my words are of no consequence. Are we being too controlling, or is it common ?for people to feel a bit territorial when it comes to kitchens?

GENTLE READER: So many hosts complain to Miss Manners that their guests won't lift a finger that she might be expected to tell you to be grateful. But don't worry. She understands why you must feel like braining these good people with one of your own frying pans.

It is not only because it would be rude and violent that you cannot clobber them. It is because of those good intentions.

While guests are supposed to be helpful, they are also supposed to accept the hosts' way of doing things. (And why shouldn't you feel territorial? It's your territory -- the whole house is.)

Miss Manners is afraid that you cannot entirely prevent them from offering their form of reciprocation. But you can get it under control if you out-gracious them.

Before they arrive, tell them that the cupboard is bare, but that you are shopping and need to know what they want in case they want to cook one of their lovely meals. You will then set aside a day for them to cook, and have the ingredients they need on the counter. Then pour yourself a drink and stay out -- or better yet, go out and take a walk -- while they are busy.

But you will also insist that they do the same -- go have a drink elsewhere while you cook, because the kitchen is so small it makes you nervous to have company there. Keep saying, "No, no, I want you to relax," as you push them out the kitchen door. And oh, yes -- keep your hands off the frying pan.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married soon and I was wondering what the etiquette was for wedding cake toppers. Is it important to look like the cake topper? Is it important for the flowers on the topper to look like my fiance's flowers?

GENTLE READER: It is not necessary for bridal couples to make themselves resemble icing, although Miss Manners has observed that a not-inconsiderable number of them do.

Contrary to what the wedding industry may tell you, the decorative elements of weddings are not regulated by etiquette. You can even be legally married without choosing a color scheme. So have the flowers whatever color you like, or have figures that represent you or don't; anything that is not actually unappetizing is correct.

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