DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been married to each other for 40 years. When I ask her to hand me a spoon or anything for that matter, she expects me to say please before asking and thank you when she complies.

I was raised by a mother who emphasized proper manners, and I have never been criticized for improper manners before outside of this request for please and thank you every time I turn around.

As a matter of fact, I think she is the one who is displaying poor manners in requesting this. What if I need something in a hurry like a fire extinguisher? Should I say, "Please pass the fire extinguisher, as the stove is on fire"? I need your answer.

GENTLE READER: Oh, come now. Surely you didn't really believe that you would catch Miss Manners with that chestnut about etiquette being so dumb that it expects polite people to burn alive rather than disobey a rule.

But such sacrifice is unnecessary. It happens that the correct thing to say -- in fact to shout -- in cases of fire is "Fire!"

The more imminent danger, she would think, is to your marriage. Forty years and a day or a week or a month could bring the moment when a courtesy-free union becomes no longer tolerable. Your mother may have allowed you to be rude to her (or it is only spouses whom she considered exempt from the consideration given to people of less importance in your life?), but your wife has made it known that she does not care for it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I lost a parent, I kept a careful list of those who signed the guest book, sent flowers, donated to a charity, or gave a special service such as bringing food to the house.

I began immediately sending thank-you notes at the rate of four or five per day, three that would not be emotionally taxing, and one or two that would be difficult for me to write. I sent short but very specific handwritten notes to most people, but longer letters to those who had performed many acts of kindness and assistance in the previous months.

In this very small community, I now find that people have literally compared notes, and some are upset with me because they were not among the first to receive notes or because they received the shorter notes.

Have I been unintentionally rude? Should all notes have been equal? Should I have saved them all to mail on the same day? I want to do this correctly the next time it comes up.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners wondered what had happened to all those people who, in Victorian times, would keep track of when the bereaved relieved their heavy black mourning clothes with touches of lavender, so they could complain that it was too soon. They must have all moved to your town.

What is puzzling is that these are people who had been kind to you. Why are they now criticizing you for being thoughtful? Did they really not understand that you could have dashed off a computerized form letter so that they all would receive the same one on the same day?

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a charity that accepts donated hair and makes it into wigs for children with cancer. I know this because I have waist-length hair, and people ask me if I would like to cut it off and send it to this charity.

In particular, my stylist has taken to asking me this every time I come in. I am considering changing stylists, though other women with long hair have told me they have had the same experience elsewhere.

I prefer to handle my charitable giving privately, and in a currency other than my own hair. Whenever I get this request, I feel as though my response is equivalent to saying that I don't care about dying children. It is awkward and becomes more so when people repeat the request every time we meet, or try to talk me into it, or add sad stories about children with cancer. (I notice that none of the requesters seem to be shipping off their computer, their TV or their car to a sick child who would appreciate it, though they are always quick to say that if they had hair like mine, they wouldn't think twice about donating it.)

Is there any graceful way to respond that will put a stop to this? If not, is there any graceful way to tell my stylist that he is losing my business, and to ask a potential new one if I can expect different treatment at their shop?

GENTLE READER: Have you considered asking your stylist for a kidney?

Well, no, that would not meet your requirement of being graceful. And Miss Manners supposes it would not be effective, either, as he is likely to miss the point about the audaciousness of his request under such circumstances, and argue that hair can be grown back.

So you must tell him outright: "I'm sorry, but I can't trust my hair to someone who keeps wanting to cut it off." By no means should you feel embarrassed to choose your own charities, as thoughtful philanthropists do, and to keep your choices private.

Unless he apologizes and retreats, you will have to find another stylist. You can begin with that one by explaining why you left your current one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other evening after a few cocktails, I impulsively invited a gentleman to a dinner party being held by my mother. Later, I realized the mix of guests would probably not be a good one, and it would be an unexpected surprise for my mother. How do I take back the invitation without hurting the gentleman's feelings?

GENTLE READER: Normally you can't, but here you have someone to blame. After all, what are mothers for?

Miss Manners imagines that yours would rather you said, "I'm so sorry -- my mother thought she had an extra place but didn't, and would like to meet you another time" than announce that the invitation is void because you were tipsy when you made it.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior in high school, and while attempting to make a new bottle of ketchup serviceable one day, I used my teeth to remove the tab covering the opening. My father went berserk and called me "barbaric."

I can see how one might perceive my actions as impolite; however, I could see no other options. I had first attempted to open the bottle with my fingers, but to no avail. Using a knife or an alternate utensil to pry off or otherwise pierce the tab also proved ineffective.

Furthermore, my father and I were not entertaining company, and I committed the offensive act before entering the dining room, in the kitchen.

Were my actions permissible? I feel that decorum should not override convenience when one is left with no other recourse. (My father was busy at the time and could not open the bottle himself.)

My other question involves eating food with one's hands. I feel that with some foods, this technique is both appropriate and necessary, and, thus, occasionally acceptable. My father sometimes complains when I do so. With the prevalence of finger-food in American culture today, is my behavior acceptable?

GENTLE READER: If you know which are always finger foods even under the most formal circumstances (canapes and grapes, for example), and also when some foods (such as chicken and fruit) are and when they are not, then yes. This is a matter of custom, not applied engineering. If you are simply popping things into your mouth by hand when you find it convenient, then no, your behavior is not acceptable.

Your inclination to argue with your father makes Miss Manners leery of telling you that etiquette, being a social discipline, doesn't care what you do when you are unobserved. But that not only means avoiding company; it also means not being caught by your father.

So technically, you should be able to open ketchup bottles with your teeth when your father isn't looking. But since he is the one who pays your dental bills, Miss Manners understands his concern.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My Spanish teacher is moving soon because her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so she's going to move in with her to take care of her.

I want to get a nice goodbye gift basket for her. I was thinking maybe putting in a book in the basket about Alzheimer's or how to take care of people who have it, or how to deal with your loved ones having it. I suggested this to one of my friends and she said it would be rude, and most likely she won't wanna think about it. Do you think it's inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Yes, although Miss Manners does not agree with your friend's reasoning. Of course your teacher has been giving serious thought to the situation she is assuming. You must do her the courtesy of assuming that she is preparing for it as best she can.

Therefore any book on the subject you may happen to pick up might already be familiar to her, or might be directed at those who are only beginning to consider the matter.

It would be kinder to remember that however consuming her efforts will be, she retains an identity other than that of caretaker. Your choice of a book, or any other present, should reflect what you know of her tastes and interests. More importantly, it should be accompanied by note of appreciation saying that she will be missed.

: