DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior in high school, and while attempting to make a new bottle of ketchup serviceable one day, I used my teeth to remove the tab covering the opening. My father went berserk and called me "barbaric."

I can see how one might perceive my actions as impolite; however, I could see no other options. I had first attempted to open the bottle with my fingers, but to no avail. Using a knife or an alternate utensil to pry off or otherwise pierce the tab also proved ineffective.

Furthermore, my father and I were not entertaining company, and I committed the offensive act before entering the dining room, in the kitchen.

Were my actions permissible? I feel that decorum should not override convenience when one is left with no other recourse. (My father was busy at the time and could not open the bottle himself.)

My other question involves eating food with one's hands. I feel that with some foods, this technique is both appropriate and necessary, and, thus, occasionally acceptable. My father sometimes complains when I do so. With the prevalence of finger-food in American culture today, is my behavior acceptable?

GENTLE READER: If you know which are always finger foods even under the most formal circumstances (canapes and grapes, for example), and also when some foods (such as chicken and fruit) are and when they are not, then yes. This is a matter of custom, not applied engineering. If you are simply popping things into your mouth by hand when you find it convenient, then no, your behavior is not acceptable.

Your inclination to argue with your father makes Miss Manners leery of telling you that etiquette, being a social discipline, doesn't care what you do when you are unobserved. But that not only means avoiding company; it also means not being caught by your father.

So technically, you should be able to open ketchup bottles with your teeth when your father isn't looking. But since he is the one who pays your dental bills, Miss Manners understands his concern.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My Spanish teacher is moving soon because her mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, so she's going to move in with her to take care of her.

I want to get a nice goodbye gift basket for her. I was thinking maybe putting in a book in the basket about Alzheimer's or how to take care of people who have it, or how to deal with your loved ones having it. I suggested this to one of my friends and she said it would be rude, and most likely she won't wanna think about it. Do you think it's inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: Yes, although Miss Manners does not agree with your friend's reasoning. Of course your teacher has been giving serious thought to the situation she is assuming. You must do her the courtesy of assuming that she is preparing for it as best she can.

Therefore any book on the subject you may happen to pick up might already be familiar to her, or might be directed at those who are only beginning to consider the matter.

It would be kinder to remember that however consuming her efforts will be, she retains an identity other than that of caretaker. Your choice of a book, or any other present, should reflect what you know of her tastes and interests. More importantly, it should be accompanied by note of appreciation saying that she will be missed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I recently attended a dance concert in a small venue. Several teenagers were also in attendance, accompanied by chaperones, and one of the teenagers had brought with her what I can only describe as a fake baby. (Some high schools have started using these fake babies to teach students what it is like to have a real baby. The students must treat the fake baby as if it is a real baby, and the fake baby will cry loudly if it "needs" attention.)

After intermission, the fake baby started crying loudly (more loudly, even, than a real baby). The girl would then give the fake baby the necessary attention, but it would start crying again minutes later. This went on during the entire second half of the performance and the crying could be heard by the entire audience (consisting of less than 50 people). I am sure the dancers could hear it as well.

After the performance, my mother approached the teenager and told her it was inappropriate to bring fake babies to performances, as it not only disturbs the audience, but also the dancers. The girl's mother shrugged it off, saying, "It was for an assignment, so we don't have any control over it."

It seems to me that the girl had several options: Since she is supposed to treat the fake baby like a real baby, and one shouldn't bring a real baby to an 8 p.m. dance concert, she could have stayed home. She also could have hired a babysitter. Or she could have stepped out into the lobby once the baby started crying.

Miss Manners, how should we have handled this situation? The girl and her mother did not seem to see any problem.

GENTLE READER: That child is not learning her lesson very well, Miss Manners is afraid. Its object was to show her that having a baby would curtail her freedom to go out and have fun, not that it could accompany her in curtailing other people's fun.

But your mother is not that child's teacher, and dressing down a fellow guest after the fact is rude and ineffective. Her only usefulness would have been to re-enforce the point of the school exercise by saying sympathetically, "I remember what it's like from when my children were babies -- you have to stay home or take them away when they cry, or you get the rest of the audience angry at you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our pastor goes on and on. He is a loving, humble man, and I would hate ?to offend him. But I'm sure 99 percent of the congregation feels the way I do. What can a congregation do about a pastor whose sermons are too long?

GENTLE READER: Commiserate with him about the short attention spans of your fellow parishioners. If he is truly humble and compassionate, he will understand.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a bit unsure how to respond to strange men who greet me on the street. (I work in an area where this is common.)

I feel rude ignoring a friendly greeting, yet I can't help but notice that this does not happen when I am in the company of others, nor do these apparently very outgoing folks seem to greet single men. Usually I smile weakly and hurry by. Do you have any better advice?

GENTLE READER- Yes: Don't smile weakly.

This society is in dire need of a clear understanding of the word "friendly." Miss Manners notices that nowadays it is mostly used to describe meager service at impersonal institutions or unwelcome liberties administered by strangers.

"I was only trying to be friendly" is the argument by which the intrusive make their hapless targets feel that they are the ones who have transgressed. It is not only predators who ogle lone females but grabbers who administer hugs on anyone they have diagnosed as being in emotional need; busybodies who probe for personal information, critics who offer unsolicited assessments and advice, and all those who address adults they have never met before (or, as in the case of telephone solicitors, whom they never will meet) by their first names or nicknames.

Are these people actually friends? Are they promising candidates for friendship?

No, but the fear that failing to respond would be rude works, as it did on you, because we Americans pride ourselves on being a friendly people. In a mobile society, as in the frontier circumstances that preceded it, it is pleasant and necessary to be open to new friendships.

However, this does not mean that we have surrendered the privilege of choosing our friends. If your greeters were simply full of harmless good cheer, why would they ignore you when you happen to be accompanied by, say a big burly gentleman? Unless you consider that rude, you should realize that you may also ignore them without being rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We will be traveling to attend a wedding of a relative. The wedding is on a Saturday, and we will be driving down on Friday and having to pay for a hotel for two nights. What is the etiquette on our gift to them? We normally would give a gift of $100. The hotel will cost $150 per night. This is getting expensive. Because the kids are coming too, I almost feel that we should be giving them more, but it is already going to cost us probably $500 to travel.

GENTLE READER: Attending a wedding is not a business deal in which the guests and the hosts should calculate their expenses to come out even. Or, in the alas-too-common case of bridal couples today, come out ahead.

There is no fee by which guests reimburse their hosts for the cost of their food, let alone help pay for the wedding, the honeymoon and the happily-ever-after. Miss Manners knows this will come as a shock to all concerned, but sensible people are supposed to put on the weddings that they can afford, and select wedding presents that they can afford.

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