DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I recently attended a dance concert in a small venue. Several teenagers were also in attendance, accompanied by chaperones, and one of the teenagers had brought with her what I can only describe as a fake baby. (Some high schools have started using these fake babies to teach students what it is like to have a real baby. The students must treat the fake baby as if it is a real baby, and the fake baby will cry loudly if it "needs" attention.)

After intermission, the fake baby started crying loudly (more loudly, even, than a real baby). The girl would then give the fake baby the necessary attention, but it would start crying again minutes later. This went on during the entire second half of the performance and the crying could be heard by the entire audience (consisting of less than 50 people). I am sure the dancers could hear it as well.

After the performance, my mother approached the teenager and told her it was inappropriate to bring fake babies to performances, as it not only disturbs the audience, but also the dancers. The girl's mother shrugged it off, saying, "It was for an assignment, so we don't have any control over it."

It seems to me that the girl had several options: Since she is supposed to treat the fake baby like a real baby, and one shouldn't bring a real baby to an 8 p.m. dance concert, she could have stayed home. She also could have hired a babysitter. Or she could have stepped out into the lobby once the baby started crying.

Miss Manners, how should we have handled this situation? The girl and her mother did not seem to see any problem.

GENTLE READER: That child is not learning her lesson very well, Miss Manners is afraid. Its object was to show her that having a baby would curtail her freedom to go out and have fun, not that it could accompany her in curtailing other people's fun.

But your mother is not that child's teacher, and dressing down a fellow guest after the fact is rude and ineffective. Her only usefulness would have been to re-enforce the point of the school exercise by saying sympathetically, "I remember what it's like from when my children were babies -- you have to stay home or take them away when they cry, or you get the rest of the audience angry at you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our pastor goes on and on. He is a loving, humble man, and I would hate ?to offend him. But I'm sure 99 percent of the congregation feels the way I do. What can a congregation do about a pastor whose sermons are too long?

GENTLE READER: Commiserate with him about the short attention spans of your fellow parishioners. If he is truly humble and compassionate, he will understand.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a bit unsure how to respond to strange men who greet me on the street. (I work in an area where this is common.)

I feel rude ignoring a friendly greeting, yet I can't help but notice that this does not happen when I am in the company of others, nor do these apparently very outgoing folks seem to greet single men. Usually I smile weakly and hurry by. Do you have any better advice?

GENTLE READER- Yes: Don't smile weakly.

This society is in dire need of a clear understanding of the word "friendly." Miss Manners notices that nowadays it is mostly used to describe meager service at impersonal institutions or unwelcome liberties administered by strangers.

"I was only trying to be friendly" is the argument by which the intrusive make their hapless targets feel that they are the ones who have transgressed. It is not only predators who ogle lone females but grabbers who administer hugs on anyone they have diagnosed as being in emotional need; busybodies who probe for personal information, critics who offer unsolicited assessments and advice, and all those who address adults they have never met before (or, as in the case of telephone solicitors, whom they never will meet) by their first names or nicknames.

Are these people actually friends? Are they promising candidates for friendship?

No, but the fear that failing to respond would be rude works, as it did on you, because we Americans pride ourselves on being a friendly people. In a mobile society, as in the frontier circumstances that preceded it, it is pleasant and necessary to be open to new friendships.

However, this does not mean that we have surrendered the privilege of choosing our friends. If your greeters were simply full of harmless good cheer, why would they ignore you when you happen to be accompanied by, say a big burly gentleman? Unless you consider that rude, you should realize that you may also ignore them without being rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We will be traveling to attend a wedding of a relative. The wedding is on a Saturday, and we will be driving down on Friday and having to pay for a hotel for two nights. What is the etiquette on our gift to them? We normally would give a gift of $100. The hotel will cost $150 per night. This is getting expensive. Because the kids are coming too, I almost feel that we should be giving them more, but it is already going to cost us probably $500 to travel.

GENTLE READER: Attending a wedding is not a business deal in which the guests and the hosts should calculate their expenses to come out even. Or, in the alas-too-common case of bridal couples today, come out ahead.

There is no fee by which guests reimburse their hosts for the cost of their food, let alone help pay for the wedding, the honeymoon and the happily-ever-after. Miss Manners knows this will come as a shock to all concerned, but sensible people are supposed to put on the weddings that they can afford, and select wedding presents that they can afford.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?I am looking for advice because I discovered that my husband of three months had an affair. I was willing to work through the infidelity with counseling. I then learned by way of his family that he is not what he portrays himself to be and highly suggested to leave him for my safety and sanity.

With this in mind, I am filing for divorce. Coupled with all the feelings of hurt and embarrassment, I feel guilty about the time and expense my family put into my bridal shower and especially our wedding. I have all the wedding gifts. Is there a protocol about whether to return the gifts or not when a marriage dissolves within a short period of time?

GENTLE READER: There is, indeed, a letter-of-the-law protocol, and it allows you to keep everything because you did actually get married. That is the official cut-off point. Had you made your discovery in time to call off the wedding, it would have required you to return the wedding presents.

You should hear the outrage that last part provokes in no-longer-brides who feel entitled to any material advantage they can get, as compensation for their disappointment. You would then understand why Miss Manners is so grateful for your finer feelings. She encourages you to act on them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a volunteer basis, I maintain a Web site for an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy restoring and driving little British cars. As one of the main points of contact for e-mail inquiries about these cars, I receive several e-mails each month that I strive to answer in a timely, correct and complete fashion.

On occasion, these e-mail "threads" may extend to multiple messages. In general, these e-mails are sent by individuals I have never met and am unlikely to ever meet unless they happen to join our group as a result of their contact with us through our Web site.

The latest message I received in a recent thread requested some additional information on the original topic, and the writer also imparted the information that his response to my original reply had been delayed due to the death of his mother. As I did not have time to contact Miss Manners about the correct approach without creating some delay in my reply, I did not acknowledge his loss in my response.

Should I have offered some words of sympathy to this person in my reply, even though our only contact has been through cyberspace? I should note that this is not the type of information I would have included in correspondence of this nature, and I was somewhat at a loss as to what to do.

GENTLE READER: You could hardly be expected to write a condolence letter about a stranger to someone you have never met. The gentleman could hardly expect one, as he offered the information simply as an explanation.

All the same, a formal acknowledgment would have been nice. "Please accept my condolences," for example. You can then proceed right to business, as your correspondent did.

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