DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that the immodest fad of stuffing every bride into the cookie cutter, strapless bridal uniform so popular now has left few with any sense of imagination and/or personal style. Most have too much to show to even carry off that look as they seemingly explode out of these boring garments, which all look even more alike when printed in most newspapers.

Sigh. Why would anyone even want to look like everyone else?

SO! What does one say to the repeated questioning from a bride-to-be concerning how much do I like her dress?

GENTLE READER: "It's lovely, dear." Repeat as often as necessary.

Mind you, Miss Manners agrees with you about those silly white ball dresses replacing dignified wedding dresses. In fact, she is even crankier about them than you, believing it to be disrespectful to appear that bare for a solemn ceremony, particularly in a house of worship. That brides prefer to dress for the party, rather than the service (when they could so easily do both with a bit of lace to be shed between the events) is a sad indication of which they consider more important.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners is holding fast to the idea that all brides are beautiful and that they should be told so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a new employee of the local university and medical center's development department, I inherited a list of donors which requires my attention to their pledges and payments as well as informing them of proposals which may interest them.

A regular donor is facing the imminent death of her husband and has asked us to remind her of her pledge schedule. How do we tactfully express our sincere concern about her husband's failing health and her role as caregiver while managing the financial (and, I realize, accurate) nature of this relationship?

It occurs to me that many of our donors and families are or will be facing ill health (we are a medical center) and that I do not wish to appear to be chasing them for their bequests. Is it possible to tactfully request their donations (hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars are at stake) in any way to avoid hovering over the deathbed? I should have considered this possibility before accepting the position.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. For anyone else, the polite opening would be to inquire about the lady's husband. For you, as the representative of an organization that might benefit from his death, it would sound ghoulish.

Miss Manners suggests you open by identifying yourself and your organization and then saying, "You asked us to call, but if this is a bad time, please tell me." Be prepared to hear either, "Yes, it is," or "It's a terrible time, but we might as well talk now." You can then express your good wishes for her and her husband before getting down to business in a way as unrelated to his fate as possible.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: According to the etiquette books when I was much younger (I'm now 87), the proper way for passing the serving dishes at a family-style meal was from the right to the left. Just recently I have been told by some in the younger generation that the "rules" have changed and now the correct direction for passing is from the left to the right. Am I really that old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Or is the etiquette business really that crazy?

Do we etiquetteers have nothing better to do than to reverse perfectly good rules for the sake of confusing those few people who have bothered to learn them?

Platters are passed from right to left because most people are right handed and find it convenient to hold the plate in the left hand while using the right hand to serve themselves food. Those who are left-handed can reach over with the right hand (thus having to experience how awkward it is to have food approaching from the wrong side) and transfer the platter to the right.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners advises you not to take unauthorized advice from etiquette-imposters of whatever age.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought an older home one year ago. We love our house, but it needs a lot of work. We both work full time, and I am in school. Therefore, the house isn't in the shape we hoped it would be after one year.

My in-laws keep pestering us about why they haven't been invited to our home. They bring it up constantly. "Well, if we had SEEN the house by now..." "Well, since we haven't been invited over yet..."

It's gotten to the point that they've blatantly invited themselves over. "If we come to town to do X, is it all right if we just stop by?"

I was taught growing up that you never invite yourself to anything. Am I wrong? On the flip side, was it rude of me to have not invited them to our house sooner? It's been a mess and I'm embarrassed to have people see it this way.

So I finally broke down and decided to have a party with family and a few close friends. I sent out 20 or so invitations. I have received almost NO RSVPs! What's the protocol when no one RSVPs? We have a limited budget and don't want to waste a lot of money on people who don't show up. But we don't want the embarrassment of not having enough food if everyone on our list shows up.

GENTLE READER: Your complaint seems to be that some prospective guests issue their own invitations and others refuse to issue answers to your invitations. But Miss Manners has a quarrel with the parallelism.

Do you really not see the difference between banning your in-laws from your house for a year and not feeling ready to invite friends to a party?

It is little wonder that your husband's parents are hurt at never having been allowed into his and your house -- as if it mattered how fixed up the place was. Miss Manners commends them for resorting only to mild hinting.

And now you want to entertain those ill-mannered friends of yours. So you will have to do what your in-laws are doing -- stifle your annoyance at their neglect and telephone to voice the hope that you will see them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My livelihood requires that I take very long flights. ?Of course, on a 10- or 15-hour flight, I have to ?get out of my seat from time to time. What is the ?etiquette of asking one's neighbor in the aisle seat ?to allow one to get by, especially if the neighbor is ?sleeping?

GENTLE READER: The polite move is to attempt to step over your sleeping seatmate without disturbing him. Considering how airplane seats are positioned, this, Miss Manners assures you, is impossible.

So if he is awake at the time, you assume a regretful and helpless expression and say "excuse me" while seemingly preparing to leap over him. If he has any sense of survival, not to mention compassion, he will get up, thus blocking the aisle for everyone else.

If he is asleep, you should say nothing but loom over him, presumably preparing to take a giant step, until he gets the creepy feeling that -- well, that someone is looming over him. At that point, you assume the hangdog look and say, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I just need to get out."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to dinner with a colleague at a restaurant that serves a bread dish as a complimentary starter -- it has two pieces. Before its arrival, I excused myself from the table to make an important phone call. When I returned, both pieces were gone. My colleague saw the surprised expression on my face and stated simply that she was hungry.

Am I wrong to feel that my colleague was rude in eating both pieces? Granted, I could have ordered another batch; however, there were two of us, which should imply one piece for each, right? Please advise.

GENTLE READER: All right -- Miss Manners advises you not to leave your dinner companion to starve while you go off and make your important telephone call. This was your colleague's way of saying that it was rude of you to delay her meal, and that she was due an apology instead of a shocked look.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our very small, close-knit, 15-person department, we have two ladies who are expecting and due within two weeks of each other. They are both married and both already have one child. They are both expecting boys.

The problem is that one of them is keeping her baby, the other is giving her baby to her sister. We would like to have a baby shower but are unsure how to proceed. Do we give a joint shower? If so, what are appropriate gifts to give to the mom that is giving her baby to her sister? HELP! We don't want anyone to feel bad or left out.

GENTLE READER: Then ask each of them if she would be agreeable to your giving a joint shower. As for presents, Miss Manners hopes you do not imagine that either baby will have fewer than the usual needs or will cease to be of interest to his mother.

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