DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited by a friend and his girlfriend to a movie about which I knew nothing. I had no idea as to whether or not this was a preplanned occasion, but I paid for myself, and then sat with them as we watched the movie.

Needless to say, I found the movie tiresome and laughable, and, as did many of the other observers, laughed openly during the movie, which by its very nature entailed some obligatory jibing at its fantasy components.

When we left the theater, about five minutes passed, and he asked me what I had thought of it. I told him that I felt the film was horrible, that the characters were not developed, that the acting was hackneyed, the ending incomprehensible, etc. While I was not exactly "attacking" the film, I made my opinions known.

He expressed, later followed by his girlfriend, that he liked the film. I continued to debate the finer points with them for about five to 10 minutes in the parking lot. It turned into a larger discussion of movies proper, and then we all left. Later, I sent an e-mail to him of a review of the same movie which included many of the criticisms I had offered.

A month later, over lunch, he informed me that he felt I behaved in a rude manner, and that others he consulted had concluded the same. I stated that I had not felt, and do not feel now, that I was rude, that he had asked me what I felt about the movie, that I paid for the film myself, etc.

He said that the sending of the e-mail was not appropriate, whereas I felt it was a thoughtful reminder of where I was coming from, which was not just one man's subjective opinion.

What should have transpired here? I do not feel that I was rude, either by laughing at a movie which required some laughter at it, or by my criticism afterwards. Instead, I feel that he took my criticism of the film itself as a criticism of him having liked it, which I saw as patently internalistic.

GENTLE READER: You and your friend do have much in common, however. Miss Manners notices that neither of you knows when to let something drop.

So you didn't like the movie, and they did. Is this something you had to fight out to the finish? Furthermore, some people like to dissect films, and others just want to be left to enjoy popular entertainment at face value.

Such people should not attend the, ah, cinema together. If you didn't realize the mismatch when the others failed to join in your derisive laughter, you should surely have noticed their reaction to your parking-lot critique.

It was time to stop haranguing them; the e-mail was excessive. Yet to be so offended as to poll others and still be smarting a month later is also excessive.

And now it is time to be big about it and say, "I'm sorry I carried on about the movie," while suggesting you get together again, but for a different sort of entertainment.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be ordering my wedding invitations soon and hope that you can clear up a question about the proper etiquette for the wording.

I want the event to be for adults, but I have guests coming in from out of town with children. I have arranged for a childcare room at my site, complete with children's food, games, toys, movies and paid childcare. I feel that by providing this, it will help those who cannot get childcare, cannot afford it or simply live out of town. By providing this, free of charge, of course, I feel it would not be rude to let the guests know it's an adults-only party and that if they bring their children, the childcare room would be MANDATORY for them.

How do I word this on the invitations clear enough so they know children are not allowed in the event but cordial enough where they feel the provided care is a generous alternative gesture?

GENTLE READER: "MANDATORY" is not an enticing word to put on an invitation. Nor is it a good spirit in which to issue an invitation. Hospitality requires that you tell people what you are offering them to enjoy, not what you are ordering them to obey.

Miss Manners hastens to add that she does not mean that you must have children attend the wedding, charming as she happens to think that is. Technically, all you need do is to issue your invitations in the names of the parents only; that should be enough for them to understand that their children are not included.

Ha. You know those people, and they will bring them anyway. Or they will wheedle to do so.

So here is what you do: You send separate formal invitations in the names of the children only, inviting them to a children's wedding party that takes place at the same time as the wedding itself.

Note that Miss Manners specified that the invitations were to be formal. No balloons or circus animals, for once. They should be somewhat in the style of the wedding invitations and should ask for the favor of a response. On the families' arrivals, the person in charge of the children should stand at the door to greet them, and bear them off, saying, "I believe you are one of my special guests."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have encountered this situation for years, but it seems that lately it has become even more frequent -- this behavior that some women seem to have of looking you up and down, as though they were appraising you. I try to be considerate of others and mindful of my own behavior, and I am wondering if these women who do this are so in the behavior that they are not aware that they are doing this or that they are very much aware of what they are doing -- basically, assessing others. It certainly doesn't seem like welcoming behavior to me.

GENTLE READER: A nasty habit, Miss Manners agrees. From whom could they have learned such a thing?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 13-year old daughter has an opportunity to take a one-week trip to Washington, D.C., this coming summer. The trip will be chaperoned by several school teachers. It will be a wonderful opportunity to see the White House, museums, etc.

However, the cost of the trip is not something we had budgeted. My husband and I both have good jobs and are considered middle class. We could probably swing the cost of the trip (with some difficulty). To lighten the burden, we were thinking of having our daughter send a letter to family and close friends telling them about the trip and asking for their sponsorship. Is this tacky?

GENTLE READER: For the destitute, begging is humiliating. For anyone with income to do so is simply crass. How often have you volunteered to help these people with their discretionary expenses?

Mind you, Miss Manners understands that you want to send your daughter on this trip because you want her to have an educational experience. As rewarding as that might be, it would be far more educational for her to learn that responsible people do not incur financial burdens that they cannot afford, and that they do not expect to shove such burdens onto others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an e-mail from a friend, sent to me and many others, inviting the recipients to attend her wedding online. On the proper day, at the proper time, we're to click on the link she provided, and we'll be able to see the wedding as it happens. The bride and groom are getting married in a town across the country, and I imagine this is a novel way of having people who probably couldn't come anyway still "attend" the wedding. It will be interesting to see how it works out. I suspect that this type of wedding participation will occur more frequently in the future.

I think kindly about this person; we worked together several years ago and have kept in touch over the years. I'm flattered that she thought enough of me to send me notice of the wedding and will most likely watch it, but how do I proceed?

Do I "accept" the invitation? (I sent her a response saying I thought it was a fun idea, which it is, but didn't say if I'd participate.) Do I send a gift because I'm watching the wedding, but not actually attending? Is a gift required when one is invited to an online wedding? I realize I can send a gift because I care about her, but I don't know if I have to send one under these circumstances.

GENTLE READER: Consider yourself in the position of someone to whom a bride has offered to show her wedding pictures or, if you are unlucky, the wedding video. (Oh, dear. Miss Manners didn't mean that. Of course they are lovely, dear.)

You may be delighted to see them, or you may feel cornered, but you surely cannot confuse the experience with being a wedding guest. Seeing it in real time does not incur such obligations as responding or sending a present -- only that of wishing the bride well and telling her, when you happen to encounter her afterward, that she looked lovely.

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