DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a friend's cocktail party through a Web site "e-vite." I was sent an e-mail, which contained a link to a Web site, which displayed the details of the party, the guest list and each guest's response along with any comments they chose to post for all to see!

My hostess has made it clear (through subsequent e-mail) that she wishes to keep track of her guest list through this Web site and has requested we use it.

Should I respond using the medium she chooses, although I find it abhorrent? Or would it be acceptable to respond in a way I find more genteel, as a phone call or personal note?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners insists that guests follow their prospective hosts' instructions and respond in the manner used for the invitation -- telephoned invitations by telephone, written ones in writing, and so on.

But she has her limits. For example, she cannot bring herself to use those horrid little "M__________" cards in place of a formally written response to a formally written wedding invitation. And she will not post her responses online for general perusal.

In the case of an e-mailed invitation, you may respond with an e-mail, but you may address it directly to your hosts. However, be warned that the Web site is programmed to nag you for not having responded, but your conscience will be clear because you know you did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother recently passed away after an extended illness. A friend of mine, knowing my mother's situation, sent me a poem about a pet's death, envisioning the pet running in beautiful pastures, wagging its tail, jumping and playing.

I cannot convey how offensive and insensitive I found it to compare my mother to a dog.

I realize that she sent it out of some misguided attempt at kindness. My inclination is to just not mention it, as I cannot imagine thanking her politely for something so stupid as to actually be hurtful.

But there is another aspect that perhaps should be considered. This woman is a nurse, and presumably is experienced in dealing with families of dying patients. She also participates actively in a grief-counseling group. It is reasonable to anticipate that she will be in contact with grieving families and loved ones in the future. To what extent do I have any obligation to her, or to the future victims of her well intended but hurtful ham-handedness?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners shares your aversion to this attempt at consolation and finds it laudable that you wish to protect others, she advises you not to confront your would-be comforter. She may maintain that her pet meant as much to her as your mother meant to you, which would anger you. She may say that she just grabbed the first card from the condolence shelf, which would insult you. She may declare that the poem was meant metaphorically, which would embarrass you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is now three months since my ex-boyfriend told me that he wanted to be alone. We had been friends for eight months before he made the official move of kissing me to signify that he wanted to date.

We dated for 15 months before he broke the heart-breaking news. About one month before he decided that he wanted to be alone, he told me that I was an awesome person and that if he were to be married, that he would marry me, but if he didn't marry me, that he would not get married at all.

After we separated for a month with only business contact (we invested in a rental business together), we crossed paths at a spiritual retreat. We talked, and I was very comfortable. About two weeks later, we spent four days in a row for about four to six hours per day, talking and sharing, while we were dealing with our rental business. Again, I was very comfortable around him and he around me.

During the conversations, he commented that we had some incompatibilities (items I think that can be easily resolved with proper communication). He assumes that we will fight and not talk to each other after marriage because my strong personality reminds him of his sister and aunt.

I have never exhibited tantrums nor been queen-bee with him. At the end of all this, I casually asked him what kind of woman he was looking for. He said a "soul mate" and that I was not his soul mate. This contradicts his early dating comments that his definition of a soul mate was someone who walks beside him. While we were dating, he told me that I was one of the few people who understands him. He told me after we broke up that I walk beside him.

I keep getting mixed signals from him. He wants to be friends and we can talk for hours on the phone or he invites me for lunch or dinner.

Many of my friends tell me to simply cut him off completely (including selling our profitable business). I only get anxious and depressed when I think about having no contact with him. I love him dearly and want to be friends with him (and in some small way still hope to spend a lifetime with him, but do not have any expectations).

I know that it will take longer to "get over him" if we continue to be friends, but I think that two things can come of it -- either our friendship will grow stronger and we get back together, or our friendship will die a slow (dully painful) death. I would like to know what you think and appreciate any advice you can give.

GENTLE READER: Since Miss Manners does not give either lovelorn advice or business advice, she will address this as a matter of etiquette. Fortunately for her, there is hardly any aspect of life that she cannot cast into a matter of etiquette.

Ask yourself if you could do the polite thing in either of the following situations.

1. Your friend suddenly looks radiant and confides that he has finally met his soul mate.

2. Your business partner tells you that he will need some time off for his wedding and honeymoon.

If, in either case, you would choke on a cheerful, "How wonderful! I'm so happy for you," you should get out and buy or sell out.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper ?way to decline a gentleman's marriage proposal, when the original answer ?was a request for time to think it over?

I would like to know what is now ?the correct way to raise the issue, and the best way to deliver the ?answer. Also, I would like to know if the lady should expect that the ?relationship with the gentleman will automatically be dissolved.

The lady ?in question would prefer the relationship to continue as it was before the ?marriage proposal, but she realizes this may be an unreasonable hope.

GENTLE READER: And it would give the gentleman unreasonable hope. Besides, that hangdog attitude that says "Are you growing to love me?" is not conducive to friendship.

Miss Manners is not saying that the lady and gentleman might not eventually become genuine friends, once their respective romantic interests are directed elsewhere. But it is only fair to the disappointed gentleman to allow that to happen by dashing his present hopes definitively.

The traditional opening is, "I am highly honored by your proposal, and have given it serious thought." The gentleman will then know that he is doomed, and you need only add that you must decline and that -- another sign of doom -- you hold him in the highest esteem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I have been together, and very happily so, for over a decade. He is completely welcome in my family (and was a pall-bearer at my mother's funeral) and while the same is true on one side of his family, it is not the case on the other side, which I have basically never even met.

I don't know whether there is a connection, but a domineering grandparent on that side of the family died this year and now -- lo and behold -- I have been invited to a family party.

It seems needlessly petty to refuse to go, and yet I can't help feeling like a jack-in-the-box. How do I handle this graciously? If I am asked by cousins why we have never met, may I say, "Because I have never been invited before" or must I try and finesse that in some way?

Note that I am not projecting the uncontestable lack of welcome onto all the relatives. I want to be a good guest, but 12 years of being ignored simply can't be dismissed as casually as an inadvertently spilled glass of wine. If it is relevant, I will mention that I have only two eyes and I do bathe every day.

GENTLE READER: Now, now. Do you really want them to be reluctant to invite you to the next party purely on the grounds that you are unpleasantly bristly?

Miss Manners doubts that you will be asked the question you anticipate. Do you imagine that the family hasn't been talking the situation over for all those years? Or that your partner has never complained about your omission?

But if you should be asked, a reply that would make your point and yet satisfy Miss Manners as being polite would be a bewildered (rather than sarcastic), "I really don't know -- Kurt and I have been together for more than a decade."

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