DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper ?way to decline a gentleman's marriage proposal, when the original answer ?was a request for time to think it over?

I would like to know what is now ?the correct way to raise the issue, and the best way to deliver the ?answer. Also, I would like to know if the lady should expect that the ?relationship with the gentleman will automatically be dissolved.

The lady ?in question would prefer the relationship to continue as it was before the ?marriage proposal, but she realizes this may be an unreasonable hope.

GENTLE READER: And it would give the gentleman unreasonable hope. Besides, that hangdog attitude that says "Are you growing to love me?" is not conducive to friendship.

Miss Manners is not saying that the lady and gentleman might not eventually become genuine friends, once their respective romantic interests are directed elsewhere. But it is only fair to the disappointed gentleman to allow that to happen by dashing his present hopes definitively.

The traditional opening is, "I am highly honored by your proposal, and have given it serious thought." The gentleman will then know that he is doomed, and you need only add that you must decline and that -- another sign of doom -- you hold him in the highest esteem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I have been together, and very happily so, for over a decade. He is completely welcome in my family (and was a pall-bearer at my mother's funeral) and while the same is true on one side of his family, it is not the case on the other side, which I have basically never even met.

I don't know whether there is a connection, but a domineering grandparent on that side of the family died this year and now -- lo and behold -- I have been invited to a family party.

It seems needlessly petty to refuse to go, and yet I can't help feeling like a jack-in-the-box. How do I handle this graciously? If I am asked by cousins why we have never met, may I say, "Because I have never been invited before" or must I try and finesse that in some way?

Note that I am not projecting the uncontestable lack of welcome onto all the relatives. I want to be a good guest, but 12 years of being ignored simply can't be dismissed as casually as an inadvertently spilled glass of wine. If it is relevant, I will mention that I have only two eyes and I do bathe every day.

GENTLE READER: Now, now. Do you really want them to be reluctant to invite you to the next party purely on the grounds that you are unpleasantly bristly?

Miss Manners doubts that you will be asked the question you anticipate. Do you imagine that the family hasn't been talking the situation over for all those years? Or that your partner has never complained about your omission?

But if you should be asked, a reply that would make your point and yet satisfy Miss Manners as being polite would be a bewildered (rather than sarcastic), "I really don't know -- Kurt and I have been together for more than a decade."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year I go to the doctor for my annual prostate, anal, and over all checkup. I am always offered a gown to put on. While on the exam table, I am asked to scoot down or turn over a few times, and it is difficult with the gown on.

Would it be out of line to refuse the gown, or is it required by the doctors? I am not modest in front of my doctor, and it would be more comfortable without the gown. I did not mention that I have a woman doctor.

GENTLE READER: Would you want naked people running around your office?

Well, doctors don't dream of your doing so, either. What they examine are body parts, uncovered one at a time so as to dispel any notion that they are feeling up individuals. Before they deal with their patients as people, they tell them to get dressed.

Miss Manners assures you that this convention works to your advantage, immodest though you may be. You want your doctor to evaluate your body medically, rather than aesthetically.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about receiving an invitation to a wedding but not the reception?

A friend and I were discussing another friend who was invited by a neighbor to a wedding for the neighbors' daughter, but not included in the invitation was the invite to the reception.

The friend and I felt it is extremely rude to only invite people to the wedding and feel that it appears as if a gift is desired, but that the host is not interested in paying for a meal. We both feel that if one is not close enough to be invited to the reception, they should not be invited to either. What is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That it is a fine and useful example of etiquette's not being enslaved by tradition. For indeed, it was once commonplace to discriminate among the guests at what were considered fashionable weddings. Some received reception cards in their invitations, and others did not.

Why the latter group did not think, "Why would I want to witness their marriage when they don't want to see me afterwards?" Miss Manners cannot imagine. It was rude then, and it is rude now.

For blameless table manners, send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope and $2 to Newsletter, P.O. Box 167, Wickliffe, OH 44092 and you'll receive "Miss Manners' The Etiquette of Proper Eating." Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised in a loving, generous family that I had always thought to be a nice group of people until I ventured out into the business world and began making new "sophisticated" friends.

Frequently, I (and other friends/colleagues who apparently aren't as well-bred) seem to break the rules on manners. It's not like I am stupid or mean, I just don't know what the "book" says on such etiquette. I have heard people mention about "so-and-so's" behavior at a wedding or a fancy dinner, e.g. "I'm going to be sure I save enough money to be able to take my children out for five-course dinners so they know how to behave in that situation...."

I thought the purpose of etiquette is to be courteous to others and make them feel comfortable, not inferior. I am not suggesting my friends are snobs, nor is anyone who follows your advice, but just because you follow all the rules on etiquette doesn't make you a nice person and vice versa. I have failed to see many of my colleagues understand this.

It is sad, actually. What is the polite thing to do when someone says or does something that breaks conventional rules of manners, but you know their intentions are innocent? One of my friends said you can be thankful you were "raised better," but that doesn't seem nice to me to be thankful you are better than others.

GENTLE READER: Nobody, least of all Miss Manners, will argue with your declaration that being courteous is more important than knowing how to eat a five-course meal (and thank you for not putting it as "knowing which fork to use").

But this is like saying that it is more important to be healthy than it is to know how to play baseball. Yes, health is crucially important. But if you plan to play baseball, you need to learn the rules.

The underlying purpose of manners is to enable people to get along with one another, which includes not only being nice but using civil means to settle differences and conflicts. Yet every activity -- not just meals and weddings, but work of various kinds, shopping, driving, even just walking down the street -- has its specific rules, derived from both practicality and custom.

Courtesy requires making allowances for well-intentioned mistakes. You ignore them, unless they are being committed by your own children. Sneering at ignorance is not only rude, but dangerous, since everybody has to count on tolerance at some time, because nobody knows all the rules for all possible activities. Except Miss Manners, of course, and she is far too polite to let on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does R.S.V.P. stand for?

GENTLE READER: "Respondez, s'il vous plais," which is "Respond, please" in French. It does not stand for Recreational Spontaneity is Very Pleasant, as many people seem to think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Creamed-soup bowls have two handles. Is it ever proper to use the handles and pick up the bowl to drink the contents?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But since no one except you and Miss Manners seems to know this, it is also an excellent way to get the attention of other diners.

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