DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year I go to the doctor for my annual prostate, anal, and over all checkup. I am always offered a gown to put on. While on the exam table, I am asked to scoot down or turn over a few times, and it is difficult with the gown on.

Would it be out of line to refuse the gown, or is it required by the doctors? I am not modest in front of my doctor, and it would be more comfortable without the gown. I did not mention that I have a woman doctor.

GENTLE READER: Would you want naked people running around your office?

Well, doctors don't dream of your doing so, either. What they examine are body parts, uncovered one at a time so as to dispel any notion that they are feeling up individuals. Before they deal with their patients as people, they tell them to get dressed.

Miss Manners assures you that this convention works to your advantage, immodest though you may be. You want your doctor to evaluate your body medically, rather than aesthetically.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about receiving an invitation to a wedding but not the reception?

A friend and I were discussing another friend who was invited by a neighbor to a wedding for the neighbors' daughter, but not included in the invitation was the invite to the reception.

The friend and I felt it is extremely rude to only invite people to the wedding and feel that it appears as if a gift is desired, but that the host is not interested in paying for a meal. We both feel that if one is not close enough to be invited to the reception, they should not be invited to either. What is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That it is a fine and useful example of etiquette's not being enslaved by tradition. For indeed, it was once commonplace to discriminate among the guests at what were considered fashionable weddings. Some received reception cards in their invitations, and others did not.

Why the latter group did not think, "Why would I want to witness their marriage when they don't want to see me afterwards?" Miss Manners cannot imagine. It was rude then, and it is rude now.

For blameless table manners, send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope and $2 to Newsletter, P.O. Box 167, Wickliffe, OH 44092 and you'll receive "Miss Manners' The Etiquette of Proper Eating." Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised in a loving, generous family that I had always thought to be a nice group of people until I ventured out into the business world and began making new "sophisticated" friends.

Frequently, I (and other friends/colleagues who apparently aren't as well-bred) seem to break the rules on manners. It's not like I am stupid or mean, I just don't know what the "book" says on such etiquette. I have heard people mention about "so-and-so's" behavior at a wedding or a fancy dinner, e.g. "I'm going to be sure I save enough money to be able to take my children out for five-course dinners so they know how to behave in that situation...."

I thought the purpose of etiquette is to be courteous to others and make them feel comfortable, not inferior. I am not suggesting my friends are snobs, nor is anyone who follows your advice, but just because you follow all the rules on etiquette doesn't make you a nice person and vice versa. I have failed to see many of my colleagues understand this.

It is sad, actually. What is the polite thing to do when someone says or does something that breaks conventional rules of manners, but you know their intentions are innocent? One of my friends said you can be thankful you were "raised better," but that doesn't seem nice to me to be thankful you are better than others.

GENTLE READER: Nobody, least of all Miss Manners, will argue with your declaration that being courteous is more important than knowing how to eat a five-course meal (and thank you for not putting it as "knowing which fork to use").

But this is like saying that it is more important to be healthy than it is to know how to play baseball. Yes, health is crucially important. But if you plan to play baseball, you need to learn the rules.

The underlying purpose of manners is to enable people to get along with one another, which includes not only being nice but using civil means to settle differences and conflicts. Yet every activity -- not just meals and weddings, but work of various kinds, shopping, driving, even just walking down the street -- has its specific rules, derived from both practicality and custom.

Courtesy requires making allowances for well-intentioned mistakes. You ignore them, unless they are being committed by your own children. Sneering at ignorance is not only rude, but dangerous, since everybody has to count on tolerance at some time, because nobody knows all the rules for all possible activities. Except Miss Manners, of course, and she is far too polite to let on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does R.S.V.P. stand for?

GENTLE READER: "Respondez, s'il vous plais," which is "Respond, please" in French. It does not stand for Recreational Spontaneity is Very Pleasant, as many people seem to think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Creamed-soup bowls have two handles. Is it ever proper to use the handles and pick up the bowl to drink the contents?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But since no one except you and Miss Manners seems to know this, it is also an excellent way to get the attention of other diners.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is 12 years old, and in most cases, very polite. He greets people with a handshake, introduces himself and makes conversation with them (although his conversation veers heavily towards video games). When they leave, he tells them it was nice to meet them.

On the other hand, whenever I have adults over, or I go out with a friend and he comes along (the latter doesn't happen often, for reasons which will become apparent), he has a tendency to dominate the conversation. He views any group of people as an audience. He even interrupts me when I am talking, though he generally doesn't do it to other people. Well, he does interrupt them, but if it's someone else he says "excuse me" first.

And I'm not just talking about him engaging in the conversation, either. I'm talking about a child who would cheerfully talk for two hours solid about whatever topic he was interested in, and not let anyone else get a word in edgewise, and never run out of breath or things to say. My friends seem to enjoy him, up to a point, but they didn't come over, or go out with me, in order to hear my son declaim for hours about "Kingdom Hearts."

I have responded to the interruptions by first warning him and then by sending him to his room (when at home) or admonishing him when not at home, however, I don't like to do that in front of others because I think it's not respectful of them, or him.

I'm a single mother, so I don't have a parental tag team partner to take up the slack. I have tried the Look you recommend, the one that says, "Just wait 'til I get you home." Unfortunately, my son is very good at pretending he doesn't see it. He also appears to think that being the center of attention is worth whatever punishment I mete out later.

I've also put him in children's theater, on the grounds that there, he is supposed to grab the spotlight. He has done very well at it, but he still tries to monopolize the conversation at home or when we are out.

What do you suggest? Is there something more subtle than just admonishing him straight out (which apparently embarrasses me far more than it does him) but that he can't conveniently ignore?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on having a son who is articulate and observes the polite forms. Now you must get on with the essential lesson of child-rearing: the counterintuitive realization that there are other people in the world and that one must take their feelings into account.

The first such lesson is shortly after birth, when the infant makes the astonishing discovery that others who have been at his beck and call are less and less willing to get up in the middle of the night. It continues with those endless parental critiques beginning, "How you would feel if...."

The lesson your son needs is that other people like to talk, just as he does, and they grow bored if not given the chance. A certain amount of leeway is made for bright children, but he has exceeded and outgrown that.

If he expects to be admired -- or even tolerated -- he has to learn the skill of being charming. Teach him what kind of questions draw people out, and challenge him to discover interests that you didn't know your friends had.

This will serve him all this life -- and bring immediate relief to your friends.

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