DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised in a loving, generous family that I had always thought to be a nice group of people until I ventured out into the business world and began making new "sophisticated" friends.

Frequently, I (and other friends/colleagues who apparently aren't as well-bred) seem to break the rules on manners. It's not like I am stupid or mean, I just don't know what the "book" says on such etiquette. I have heard people mention about "so-and-so's" behavior at a wedding or a fancy dinner, e.g. "I'm going to be sure I save enough money to be able to take my children out for five-course dinners so they know how to behave in that situation...."

I thought the purpose of etiquette is to be courteous to others and make them feel comfortable, not inferior. I am not suggesting my friends are snobs, nor is anyone who follows your advice, but just because you follow all the rules on etiquette doesn't make you a nice person and vice versa. I have failed to see many of my colleagues understand this.

It is sad, actually. What is the polite thing to do when someone says or does something that breaks conventional rules of manners, but you know their intentions are innocent? One of my friends said you can be thankful you were "raised better," but that doesn't seem nice to me to be thankful you are better than others.

GENTLE READER: Nobody, least of all Miss Manners, will argue with your declaration that being courteous is more important than knowing how to eat a five-course meal (and thank you for not putting it as "knowing which fork to use").

But this is like saying that it is more important to be healthy than it is to know how to play baseball. Yes, health is crucially important. But if you plan to play baseball, you need to learn the rules.

The underlying purpose of manners is to enable people to get along with one another, which includes not only being nice but using civil means to settle differences and conflicts. Yet every activity -- not just meals and weddings, but work of various kinds, shopping, driving, even just walking down the street -- has its specific rules, derived from both practicality and custom.

Courtesy requires making allowances for well-intentioned mistakes. You ignore them, unless they are being committed by your own children. Sneering at ignorance is not only rude, but dangerous, since everybody has to count on tolerance at some time, because nobody knows all the rules for all possible activities. Except Miss Manners, of course, and she is far too polite to let on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does R.S.V.P. stand for?

GENTLE READER: "Respondez, s'il vous plais," which is "Respond, please" in French. It does not stand for Recreational Spontaneity is Very Pleasant, as many people seem to think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Creamed-soup bowls have two handles. Is it ever proper to use the handles and pick up the bowl to drink the contents?

GENTLE READER: Yes. But since no one except you and Miss Manners seems to know this, it is also an excellent way to get the attention of other diners.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is 12 years old, and in most cases, very polite. He greets people with a handshake, introduces himself and makes conversation with them (although his conversation veers heavily towards video games). When they leave, he tells them it was nice to meet them.

On the other hand, whenever I have adults over, or I go out with a friend and he comes along (the latter doesn't happen often, for reasons which will become apparent), he has a tendency to dominate the conversation. He views any group of people as an audience. He even interrupts me when I am talking, though he generally doesn't do it to other people. Well, he does interrupt them, but if it's someone else he says "excuse me" first.

And I'm not just talking about him engaging in the conversation, either. I'm talking about a child who would cheerfully talk for two hours solid about whatever topic he was interested in, and not let anyone else get a word in edgewise, and never run out of breath or things to say. My friends seem to enjoy him, up to a point, but they didn't come over, or go out with me, in order to hear my son declaim for hours about "Kingdom Hearts."

I have responded to the interruptions by first warning him and then by sending him to his room (when at home) or admonishing him when not at home, however, I don't like to do that in front of others because I think it's not respectful of them, or him.

I'm a single mother, so I don't have a parental tag team partner to take up the slack. I have tried the Look you recommend, the one that says, "Just wait 'til I get you home." Unfortunately, my son is very good at pretending he doesn't see it. He also appears to think that being the center of attention is worth whatever punishment I mete out later.

I've also put him in children's theater, on the grounds that there, he is supposed to grab the spotlight. He has done very well at it, but he still tries to monopolize the conversation at home or when we are out.

What do you suggest? Is there something more subtle than just admonishing him straight out (which apparently embarrasses me far more than it does him) but that he can't conveniently ignore?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on having a son who is articulate and observes the polite forms. Now you must get on with the essential lesson of child-rearing: the counterintuitive realization that there are other people in the world and that one must take their feelings into account.

The first such lesson is shortly after birth, when the infant makes the astonishing discovery that others who have been at his beck and call are less and less willing to get up in the middle of the night. It continues with those endless parental critiques beginning, "How you would feel if...."

The lesson your son needs is that other people like to talk, just as he does, and they grow bored if not given the chance. A certain amount of leeway is made for bright children, but he has exceeded and outgrown that.

If he expects to be admired -- or even tolerated -- he has to learn the skill of being charming. Teach him what kind of questions draw people out, and challenge him to discover interests that you didn't know your friends had.

This will serve him all this life -- and bring immediate relief to your friends.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, I met a man whom I like very much. He's charming, kind, funny, has good taste and seems decently placed in society both monetarily and socially. On one of our subsequent dates, he took me to a local landmark and proceeded to kiss me in a semiprivate spot.

The issue becomes that the man is not a very good kisser.

What is the best way to go about telling this potential future mate that he does not please me when he kisses me, and the best way to remedy the situation?

I must say, I am not the most polite girl on the block; I tend to believe that honesty is the best in all situations, but I care enough about this guy that I don't want to trample his feelings. Miss Manners has far more experience with tact than I do. What is Miss Manners' take on this problem?

GENTLE READER: Isn't it enough that Miss Manners is trying to teach people to behave civilly to one another? Can't she trust those who are in love to --

Never mind. Deepest apologies. Valentine's Day is upon us, and her heart is not made of stone.

Honesty is a perfectly horrid policy if it means telling a gentleman that his kisses are unappealing. He is not likely to inflict them on you again.

What you can do is to assume a mischievous look and whisper, "May I show you how I want to kiss you?" He will then be only too happy to allow you to give instructions and demonstrate what you mean.

Now what was it that you assumed Miss Manners had more experience with than you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most correct way to have a discussion with or to communicate to a friend of mine (a woman) that I have a crush on her? Unfortunately, I have no prior experience with this so am completely lost as to what would be the correct manner to go about this.

GENTLE READER: A box of chocolates with a card reading "From your secret admirer"?

No, Miss Manners supposes that those days, when the lady would give each of her gentleman acquaintances a shy smile to see which one blushed, are over. Today's recipient might be just as likely to make a public joke of it or snap that someone was trying to sabotage her diet.

However, other old-fashioned ways are still workable and, in Miss Manners' opinion, preferable, to the blunt, if not crude, modern approach. These consist of subtle, nonverbal hints that could or could not be accidental -- sitting closer than necessary, looking deeply into the eyes, resting a hand lightly on the arm, and so on.

The uncertainty about whether such gestures were intentional is itself exciting. But it also has deniability. If the lady moves away from you, you can spare yourself being rejected. If she sustains these gestures, you may safely declare yourself.

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