DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, I met a man whom I like very much. He's charming, kind, funny, has good taste and seems decently placed in society both monetarily and socially. On one of our subsequent dates, he took me to a local landmark and proceeded to kiss me in a semiprivate spot.

The issue becomes that the man is not a very good kisser.

What is the best way to go about telling this potential future mate that he does not please me when he kisses me, and the best way to remedy the situation?

I must say, I am not the most polite girl on the block; I tend to believe that honesty is the best in all situations, but I care enough about this guy that I don't want to trample his feelings. Miss Manners has far more experience with tact than I do. What is Miss Manners' take on this problem?

GENTLE READER: Isn't it enough that Miss Manners is trying to teach people to behave civilly to one another? Can't she trust those who are in love to --

Never mind. Deepest apologies. Valentine's Day is upon us, and her heart is not made of stone.

Honesty is a perfectly horrid policy if it means telling a gentleman that his kisses are unappealing. He is not likely to inflict them on you again.

What you can do is to assume a mischievous look and whisper, "May I show you how I want to kiss you?" He will then be only too happy to allow you to give instructions and demonstrate what you mean.

Now what was it that you assumed Miss Manners had more experience with than you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most correct way to have a discussion with or to communicate to a friend of mine (a woman) that I have a crush on her? Unfortunately, I have no prior experience with this so am completely lost as to what would be the correct manner to go about this.

GENTLE READER: A box of chocolates with a card reading "From your secret admirer"?

No, Miss Manners supposes that those days, when the lady would give each of her gentleman acquaintances a shy smile to see which one blushed, are over. Today's recipient might be just as likely to make a public joke of it or snap that someone was trying to sabotage her diet.

However, other old-fashioned ways are still workable and, in Miss Manners' opinion, preferable, to the blunt, if not crude, modern approach. These consist of subtle, nonverbal hints that could or could not be accidental -- sitting closer than necessary, looking deeply into the eyes, resting a hand lightly on the arm, and so on.

The uncertainty about whether such gestures were intentional is itself exciting. But it also has deniability. If the lady moves away from you, you can spare yourself being rejected. If she sustains these gestures, you may safely declare yourself.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a very professional environment, so it caught me completely off guard today when a new co-worker asked if I had a stick of lip balm. I replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" thinking that would give the hint.

But she inquired further, "Can I use it?" in front of a fellow co-worker. I wasn't sure if I should have declined and risked insulting her hygiene by not sharing or instead obliged and looked too unconcerned about my own by lending it.

I opted to share. Did I do the right thing?

This new co-worker also has some other habits that reflect poorly on her level of professionalism, such as picking at her fingernails while someone is trying to explain something to her, cutting her cuticles while sitting in a meeting with someone in their cube, etc.

Should I pull her aside privately to let her know this is not appropriate at work? (She is right out of school and this is her first professional job.) Or is this her manager's job (who is already aware of such behavior)?

GENTLE READER: Now that you and your colleague are on the same stick of lip balm, Miss Manners has a hard time saying that you are not on sufficiently intimate terms to attempt reforming her. Nevertheless, you should let the manager do it and concentrate on protecting yourself from unreasonable demands and flying cuticles.

A vague "sorry" at the start would have covered whether you actually possessed lip balm or were simply declining to share; as you discovered, bringing on the second question was not a good idea. If you are caught trying to explain work matters to this lady while she is busy grooming herself, the polite thing to do would be to offer to postpone work until she has finished her toilette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for serving and taking butter at a dinner table? Sometimes I am rushed to serve a family dinner and add the store-bought butter tub to the table rather than place a portion of it or a stick onto a separate butter dish.

I contend that despite the presence of a tub, a separate knife should be used to serve the butter from the tub to a plate rather than the knife at the place setting. My partner gently chides me that only when a proper butter dish is present do you use a separate knife.

GENTLE READER: If you find your partner too rigid, you are not going to soften to Miss Manners. She maintains that only when a proper butter dish is present should you be entitled to have any butter.

Yet she is not insensible to the demands of time. For goodness' sake, find a covered butter dish or tub that is presentable at the table, transfer your butter when you buy it, and store it that way in the refrigerator. Your meals will be prettier and your partner will be happier.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to turn off or ignore your phone, ignore a knock at the door, or ignore an IM on your computer screen when you have left your computer and messenger on at night while you were sleeping?

I say that it is elective to answer (or even make possible) these summons to attention, and they may be ignored at will for any number of reasons, including sleeping, resting, doing homework, doing telecommuting work, and even just taking some private time when you do not wish to be interrupted.

I have a friend whose mother has taught her she must always answer door knocks, phones ringing, IMs on the computer, regardless of what she is doing or why, or she is guilty of rudeness. Please enlighten us.

GENTLE READER: All right: Your friend's mother has a hard time getting in touch with her. Possibly for good reason.

It is true that everyone gets impatient if unable to reach anyone else immediately, now that there are so many ways of attempting this. However, Miss Manners has noticed that when the matter is considered in the abstract -- Do you believe that everyone is obligated to be on call to everyone else all the time? -- few would agree. And, funny thing, those few tend to be suspicious parents, lovers and bosses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The waiter at a high-dollar restaurant asked me, in reference to my salad, if I was "done working on that."

I grimaced a little and said, "No, I'm enjoying it. I don't work on my food."

My husband said, "That's a pet peeve of hers."

The waiter said, "Well, everyone is entitled to their own pet peeves, I suppose, but I work on my food," thereby managing to both disagree and insult me at the same time.

I didn't point out that she was also, in fact, working for tips, so a less negative response would have been self-serving.

I labor when I clean my kitchen floor and when I rake the lawn, but tend to enjoy the process of "eating" as opposed to "working" on my food. Other phrases in her repertoire that evening included, "no problem," when being thanked for bringing something she had forgotten to bring earlier, "Can I steal your plates?" when we had finished eating, and "'Bye, you guys" as we were leaving.

I am, I know, an aging English major, but I do long for more precision in our language. Am I asking too much?

GENTLE READER: You are asking a hard-working person to work on her language skills while trying to get your dinner on and off the table. Yes, that is asking too much.

Mind you, Miss Manners dislikes these expressions as much as you do, and finds the idea of "working on" food particularly unappetizing. How this expression originated and instantly made its way into restaurant parlance everywhere, she cannot imagine.

All the same, it is you who insulted the waitress, not only by correcting her, but also by taking umbrage at her attempt to defend her dignity.

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