DEAR MISS MANNERS: What has become of the polite habit of RSVPing? It seems half the world totally ignores one's request. What is one to do?

GENTLE READER: Entertain the other half.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was under the impression, at a casual luncheon, that it was OK to pick up fried chicken with your fingers. I was informed that this is not proper, that it should be cut with a knife and fork.

GENTLE READER: Would you be so kind as to define for Miss Manners the meaning of the word "casual"? Considering how widespread its use is, and that it has come to be considered a highly desirable state, if not actually a virtue, why is it that no two people agree on its meaning?

If by a casual luncheon you mean friends taking their lunch break together in the cafeteria or a meeting at a fast-food court or a picnic in the park, yes, you can pick up your chicken. If you mean a meal at a slow-food restaurant or in someone's dining room (as opposed to someone's kitchen), no.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are generally well-liked, socially acceptable folks in our small town. We are also fairly well known philanthropically, and my family has been for generations. We "suffer" from being big fish in a small pond.

My conundrum is that we are often invited to events, fund-raisers and personal get-togethers. I occasionally enjoy these gatherings, but I tend not to be easy in crowds, and, more often than not, I would rather not attend, for no other reason than I'd rather not attend. A stay-at-home night or taking myself to a movie is generally just fine by me.

How do I gracefully simply say "No" when invited to events I don't care to attend? Often, these functions are in support of worthy charities, and I always contribute to them (assuming I support the underlying mission of the charities). However, as often as not, many of the events are simply personal gatherings or parties with no agenda other than getting together.

I dislike making up excuses, and they are usually discovered to be the white lies they are. Is there a kind way, when invited to go to this or that function, to simply decline without lying?

GENTLE READER: Your excuse is that you "don't go out much." The trick is that you never tell this to anyone. To say so would be to suggest to any individual host that his party was not important enough to merit one of your exceptions.

Miss Manners assures you that you need not offer any excuse at all. As you have discovered, true ones are offensive, while false ones catch up with you. You should simply master the expression of great regret each time you decline an invitation: "Oh, I'm so sorry, how very kind of you to ask, but I'm afraid we will be unable to go. Thank you for thinking of us."

After a while, it will be other people who say, "They don't go out much." Because you are gracious and generous, they will even say it with some admiration at your self-contentment. And when you do choose to go out, your hosts will be all the more overjoyed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended an informal weekly gathering of professional women friends wherein everyone is expected to contribute to the evening's repast. Some have time to make a dish from scratch, while others with a more hectic schedule that day bring something purchased. My offering was a carton of not-inexpensive, freshly made sushi purchased from a reputable and upscale grocery/deli.

As we were placing our dishes on the counter to be served, our hostess asked in a very loud voice and with considerable alarm WHERE I had purchased the sushi. When I told her, she replied that she was very careful about where she purchased sushi and would never eat sushi from that establishment.

Needless to say, I was mortified, but trying to keep things light. I replied that in that case, perhaps we should just feed it to the dog. My hostess barked that she wouldn't give it to her dog, at which point I calmly took the sushi, dumped it in the trash can, said "Good night, ladies," and left.

I later learned that my hostess feels I owe her an apology. I say she's lucky I held my temper and refrained from dumping said sushi over her head. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That the other guests had a rip-roaring time after you left, tearing you apart for being rude, as confirmed by the report you heard.

That is a great pity. If you had handled it differently, they would have been in shock at the extraordinary rudeness of your hostess.

But no, you had to top her. Miss Manners sees that you award yourself credit for refraining from topping her with the sushi, but still, you made an ugly scene. Or rather you made an ugly scene uglier. Simply saying, "I did not mean to offend you" and leaving with the sushi would have been the dignified way to make your point and probably sent other guests scurrying after you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On several occasions, I have been on the receiving end of rather large favors. As a thank you, I try to give my benefactor some token of my appreciation, such as a couple of bottles of good wine or the like.

Most of the time the recipients' response is something like, "You didn't have to do that," to which I have no problem responding appropriately. But sometimes I get a "Thank you." It seems I am being thanked for being grateful and it feels wrong.

How does one respond to that? Should I get into the complicated task of trying to convey just how much the person's kindness has helped me out and how truly grateful I am for their friendship or just smile and let it go?

GENTLE READER: Fear of an endless cycle of thanks seems to be widespread. Yet Miss Manners assures you that it can halted with two simple words: "You're welcome." Even if you elaborate by repeating your gratitude, the exchange will peter out on the spot.

You were not thanked for your thanks; you were thanked for that bottle. Thanks must always be given for a present, and presents given with thanks are no exception. You wouldn't care to have the recipient grab your bottle and walk away without a word, or perhaps calling over his shoulder, "OK, now we're even."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend recently stayed overnight at my home. In the morning, I found out that he'd been ill all night with projectile vomiting and diarrhea. (I was sleeping peacefully in my own room.) Only when he came downstairs the next morning did I learn what had happened.

The violent part of the illness had passed, but we decided it would be best for him to see a doctor at the emergency room just to be sure. It turned out that he had a stomach bug or type of flu that was "going around." He was treated for dehydration and kept for observation for a couple of hours. When the nurses were satisfied that his stomach had settled, he was given a page of dietary instructions and allowed to go.

By then it was noontime, and he decided to drive home, but not before insisting that he pay for any expenses involved in "putting things right" upstairs.

After he left, I discovered that the wall-to-wall carpet in the guest room and hall was indeed seriously stained and smelly. Finally, I found a rug cleaner who agreed to come the next morning. He removed the stains, deodorized and disinfected the carpet.

I paid with a check and let my friend know how much the cleaning had cost. A perfect gentleman, he repaid me promptly.

A couple of friends have questioned the propriety of this transaction, saying I should have borne the cost of the rug-cleaning and that my friend should have sent a "hostess gift" instead of money. Although I feel confident that my friend and I are both comfortable with the arrangement we made, my friends have made me wonder about the etiquette of such situations. Is there a general rule, or is it relative?

GENTLE READER: There is a general rule in regard to guests who knock over a vase, spill a drink on the rug or clog up the sink. It is, as your friends say, that the guest tries to pay for the damage, the host refuses to allow this, and the guest writes a charming letter with a little present, by way of apology. When more serious damage is done, the guest is obliged to put up more of a fight, attending to the repair or replacement even after being overruled.

But this was no small, ordinary accident. We are talking here about spectacular damage of, Miss Manners has to say, the most humiliating, not to mention revolting, kind. If you ever hoped that your friend would be able to enter your house again without being overcome with fear and shame, you owed him a way of feeling that he had done something to eradicate the impression he left all over the guest room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one say to a friend who offers to sell one back one's wedding present? I gave her the gift some time before the wedding, which I was unable to attend. After the wedding, she approached me, said that she was unable to use my gift, and offered to sell it back to me. Suggestions for a civilized response would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: "This came with my good wishes. I don't know what you think they are worth."

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