DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does marriage mandate that mail addressed to one be read by the other? I recently discovered that a long-term platonic correspondence I had been having with a man was made available to his wife, without my knowledge or permission. It has destroyed not only the trust but the contact, which had been a treasured one.

Am I incorrect in believing that letters sealed in envelopes are far different from e-mails? That they are, in a way, sacred, and meant solely for the eyes of the addressee? This is a source of sorrow and, indeed, betrayal to me.

GENTLE READER: Resisting the temptation to inquire what was in those letters is such a mighty effort that you will have to allow Miss Manners a moment to recover.

Thank you.

Marriage is no excuse for opening other people's mail, or even for insisting that it be shown. However, it is an excuse for blabbing. Wait -- make that sharing. It is never safe to assume that something sent or told to one spouse will be kept secret from the other.

If the wife opened your letters, the gentleman has a marital problem. If he merely felt like showing them to her, he may just have a good marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found myself wishing that we could go back to the 18th century rituals of grieving where we can wear black and people are cautious about approaching the mourner. Today is my birthday and my first wedding anniversary. However, two weeks ago to the date, my mother passed away suddenly. My family and I are still in shock for the most part and grieving.

My goal was to just quietly get through my birthday and have a quiet celebration for my anniversary with just my husband. I had thought about sharing my wishes with my friends but thought it would be rude to bring up my wishes for my birthday/anniversary.

As I was accosted this morning by celebratory well wishers, I was wishing I had been rude. Instead, I politely stated that although I appreciate their thoughts, this is a difficult time for me and that my husband and I have chosen not to celebrate at this time. I then get all the lectures about how it is still my birthday no matter what has happened and I should be celebrating.

I now have some people mad at me because I just can't get into the celebratory spirit. How should I have handled this situation to suit me and the happy well wishers?

GENTLE READER: If we were going to turn back the calendar, Miss Manners would like to go back to the days before amateur therapy was thrust on the unwary. It has been the excuse for much callousness preposterously posing as compassion.

Most, but not all, of the trappings of formal mourning are gone. If you wear only black, some people may back off (although others may assume you are going to a wedding). What you can certainly do is to say firmly, "I'm sorry and I appreciate your intentions, but I am in mourning. It will be a while before I can enjoy parties again."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the row in back of me on a flight I took yesterday, I overheard ?a man say, to the two young women sitting there, "Hi! My name's ?Frank, what are your names?" After a noticeable pause, the two women ?answered with their first names. I would not have wanted to give my name under the circumstances but couldn't think of a polite way, if ?I'd been the one asked, to decline to do so. How can you turn a guy ?like this off?

GENTLE READER: By whispering, "I'm traveling incognito. Please don't give me away. Pretend you don't know me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a home-decor party at my home and invited the women (my peers) from my office. They arrived, drank coffee, ate cake, purchased a few items and left, en masse, an hour later. I thought the party had gone quite well, everyone was polite, they liked the cake I baked, and the meager sales were OK by me; the saleswoman who made the presentation still let me have a hostess gift.

After my guests left, I went over the sales with the saleswoman, helped her pack up her wares and waved good bye as she went to her next party. I then picked up cups and saucers, washed them, washed the coffee pot, wrapped the leftover cake, and put the living room back in order. When I looked at the clock I realized I should now check my mail.

I live in a condominium, and all the mailboxes are clustered together in the main parking lot, which is nearly a half block from my residence. I walked there and found my guests standing around visiting among themselves. I thought maybe someone had car trouble and inquired, but no, that was not the case. I then invited them back to my home to visit but the excuses poured out as each said something to the effect of "Oh, no ... I should have been someplace else long ago," etc. I gathered my mail and they got into their cars and left.

My party was over for at least 45 minutes before I went to check my mail. I felt awkward and they looked embarrassed when they saw me. Nothing more was said, but I feel slighted. Why would they rather visit standing on an asphalt parking lot rather than continue their visit at my home? The party was on a Saturday, so none of us had to dash off to work. I'm sorry they looked so uncomfortable when they saw me approach, but what else could I do?

GENTLE READER: You can all stop being embarrassed. Party guests who leave together may well keep chatting as they go to the parking lot and find that they have hit on a topic that keeps them there conversing.

If you are now thoroughly at ease, Miss Manners can't help administering a slight jolt. Maybe the party was not as gratifying to your guests as it was to you, with your "hostess gift." Is it possible that the presence of a salesperson constrained their talk, or that the sales pitches discouraged conversation? A sales event is not, strictly speaking, a party. Your colleagues attended, despite what turned out to be a lack of enthusiasm for the product, and you cannot expect more from them than that.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree that the marrying age is increasing and that often brides and grooms are more independent, but the bride's parents are still responsible for the wedding. Parents have two or three decades to notice that they have a daughter, and to realize that someday she will probably marry. Saving for a wedding should be a priority, and a wedding should not take the bride's parents by surprise.

It seems that parents often dismiss this responsibility, as some dismiss their responsibility to plan for their children's college education. This is consistent with our self-centered society.

If parents have to go into debt to pay for their daughter's wedding, then shame on them for not planning ahead. Yes, the costs should be reasonable, and the bride and groom can contribute their own funds if they want something extravagant, but $10,000 to $20,000 is not extravagant for a middle to upper-middle class family in this culture. Think of it as a wedding gift from the parents instead of the dowry that was required from the parents in past centuries.

GENTLE READER: You're joking, right? Surely the complaint about "our self-centered society" was the tip-off. Please tell Miss Manners -- and more importantly, your parents -- that you are joking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to say "maybe" to an invitation? I have difficulty with that, so I sometimes say, "I'll see." I never thought of this as rude. I personally need to be in the moment, mostly. How do I know how I'll feel next Thursday? Sometimes I just don't have the energy to go out. I'm 55 with some health issues I don't care to discuss with everyone. Is this rude?

GENTLE READER: What is rude is that the only feelings you have taken into account are your own. That is practically the definition of being rude.

What about the feelings of people who are kind enough to extend invitations? For that matter, what about their schedules? Should they hold themselves committed and prepared to receive you until the last moment?

Hedging would allow you to live in the moment, but it would put them into suspension, unable to count on you or to replace you with another guest.

You did plead ill health, however, and Miss Manners, who is not a monster, admits that this trumps social obligations. If you have a genuine last-minute emergency, you can cancel with a specific excuse and a profuse apology.

But a chronic state that makes it likely that you will not feel like attending is unfortunately an ongoing limitation. To show consideration of your hosts, you would have to decline anything for which your absence would be conspicuous (not to mention costly) -- dinner parties, theater dates and such.

Even for more flexible events, "maybe" is not a polite choice. What you can do is to throw in a point of negotiation when you decline: "Oh, I'd love to, but I've been somewhat overtaxed, and I don't dare accept in case I won't be able to make it."

Some hosts may tell you to come if you feel up to it. Silence, or "Oh, too bad" means your refusal stands.

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