DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree that the marrying age is increasing and that often brides and grooms are more independent, but the bride's parents are still responsible for the wedding. Parents have two or three decades to notice that they have a daughter, and to realize that someday she will probably marry. Saving for a wedding should be a priority, and a wedding should not take the bride's parents by surprise.

It seems that parents often dismiss this responsibility, as some dismiss their responsibility to plan for their children's college education. This is consistent with our self-centered society.

If parents have to go into debt to pay for their daughter's wedding, then shame on them for not planning ahead. Yes, the costs should be reasonable, and the bride and groom can contribute their own funds if they want something extravagant, but $10,000 to $20,000 is not extravagant for a middle to upper-middle class family in this culture. Think of it as a wedding gift from the parents instead of the dowry that was required from the parents in past centuries.

GENTLE READER: You're joking, right? Surely the complaint about "our self-centered society" was the tip-off. Please tell Miss Manners -- and more importantly, your parents -- that you are joking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to say "maybe" to an invitation? I have difficulty with that, so I sometimes say, "I'll see." I never thought of this as rude. I personally need to be in the moment, mostly. How do I know how I'll feel next Thursday? Sometimes I just don't have the energy to go out. I'm 55 with some health issues I don't care to discuss with everyone. Is this rude?

GENTLE READER: What is rude is that the only feelings you have taken into account are your own. That is practically the definition of being rude.

What about the feelings of people who are kind enough to extend invitations? For that matter, what about their schedules? Should they hold themselves committed and prepared to receive you until the last moment?

Hedging would allow you to live in the moment, but it would put them into suspension, unable to count on you or to replace you with another guest.

You did plead ill health, however, and Miss Manners, who is not a monster, admits that this trumps social obligations. If you have a genuine last-minute emergency, you can cancel with a specific excuse and a profuse apology.

But a chronic state that makes it likely that you will not feel like attending is unfortunately an ongoing limitation. To show consideration of your hosts, you would have to decline anything for which your absence would be conspicuous (not to mention costly) -- dinner parties, theater dates and such.

Even for more flexible events, "maybe" is not a polite choice. What you can do is to throw in a point of negotiation when you decline: "Oh, I'd love to, but I've been somewhat overtaxed, and I don't dare accept in case I won't be able to make it."

Some hosts may tell you to come if you feel up to it. Silence, or "Oh, too bad" means your refusal stands.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife can be counted on to call at inconvenient times. I have been trying to settle on the appropriate way to handle this, specifically when I might be on a date.

We have a son, so obviously, it's not so simple a matter of telling her to never call again. Should she need to reach me, she should -- but in the course of the past few years, she has never NEEDED to get a hold of me when she called.

Do I ignore it and let her leave a message? Call back at a point in the date where perhaps we're (my date and I) taking a moment to freshen up?

Is it even appropriate to LOOK at the cell phone to see whose calling? Should I leave the ringer off and check it periodically when it is unobtrusive to my date?

I guess I am ultimately looking for a proper -- and defensible -- way to approach this.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to suggest that your former wife has devised a clever way to encourage you to be rude to other ladies.

But the specter of an emergency seems to have been invoked so successfully that you are behaving as if a moment's inattention would endanger your son's life. Meanwhile, the inattention to ladies you are escorting will endanger your social life.

Of course you want to be notified if something is wrong with your son, but telephones are now clever enough to take messages. You might keep in mind that the parent who knows about an emergency first would naturally be first on the spot to attend to it.

If you allow your telephone to ring or visibly check it for messages, the lady with you will rightly conclude that you are rude. If you constantly run off to freshen up or even admit to needing constant proof that an emergency has not occurred, she will conclude that you are nuts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I reply to people who ask me to guess how old they are?

GENTLE READER: Four.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would love to serve napoleons as dessert. However, I have never been able to determine how one eats this delectable dessert and still maintains a certain amount of decorum on the dessert plate. Any attempt results in the filling being pressed outward and the hard frosting creating shards that end up off of the plate.

GENTLE READER: So should you aim the ends at your dinner partners or your own lap if you slam down on the middle and the filling spurts out the sides?

Miss Manners hopes that is not the question. Fortunately for everyone concerned, a proper dessert service consists of both a fork and a spoon. Perforate it in the middle using the tines of your fork, then cut it with side of the fork and use the spoon to shield everyone from flying parts.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son passed away last summer due to unexpected circumstances, and I returned to work less than a week after the services. Maybe too soon, but my job is demanding, I knew the work was piling up and I needed to keep busy. I work in a complex of numerous attached buildings.

The staff in my building treated me just as I wanted with business as usual and being as helpful as possible. They seemed to know the proper way to treat someone that just lost a loved one -- don't make me dwell or relive the circumstances.

There was one woman that works in another building that came to me and demanded that I "come here" as she pointed to the area in front of her. As I was leaving my desk to go to the copy machine, I said I would be right back. Again, she pointed to the floor in front of her and demanded that I "come here," adding "you need a hug."

My response was to tell her thank you for the sentiment but I preferred things to be business as usual. When I returned to my desk from the copy machine, she was waiting for me, again telling me that I "need a hug."

My emotions were mixed, ready to cry and angry at my wishes being cast aside and her demand made again. I repeated my thank you for her expression of sympathy but did not want a hug, that I was holding it together because it was business as usual.

Now this woman is telling everyone how rude I was in refusing to allow her to express her sympathy in the manner she thought appropriate. She told this to a friend of mine, who responded that since I was the one with the loss, it is my choice on how I grieve and she should accept that.

She says I owe her an apology, do I? Was I rude?

I am just a grieving mom trying to get through each day.

GENTLE READER: How interesting that your colleague managed to fashion this incident into a case of your not being sensitive to her tender feelings. Miss Manners finds that curious in someone so arrogant as to believe that her conferring her embrace is a consoling favor.

Do not give the matter another thought. Not only is it your bereavement for you to protect, but it is your body.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, my grandmother would give me and my sisters cash for Christmas or birthdays and would like for us to tell her what we bought with it. (i.e., clothes, toys or shoes).

That really wasn't a problem until we forgot to write a thank-you card once or twice. She then went and sent blank thank-you cards with her gifts with an already filled out return envelope even down to the stamp.

When this happened I felt rightfully insulted. Was this rude of her or am I just holding on to an old wound?

GENTLE READER: Have you stopped causing this wound?

If you now faithfully write thank-you letters, Miss Manners believes that you should forgive your grandmother for going easy on you. Rather than making the expression of gratitude easier for you, she should have ceased sending you money that you evidently did not appreciate.

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