DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-wife can be counted on to call at inconvenient times. I have been trying to settle on the appropriate way to handle this, specifically when I might be on a date.

We have a son, so obviously, it's not so simple a matter of telling her to never call again. Should she need to reach me, she should -- but in the course of the past few years, she has never NEEDED to get a hold of me when she called.

Do I ignore it and let her leave a message? Call back at a point in the date where perhaps we're (my date and I) taking a moment to freshen up?

Is it even appropriate to LOOK at the cell phone to see whose calling? Should I leave the ringer off and check it periodically when it is unobtrusive to my date?

I guess I am ultimately looking for a proper -- and defensible -- way to approach this.

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to suggest that your former wife has devised a clever way to encourage you to be rude to other ladies.

But the specter of an emergency seems to have been invoked so successfully that you are behaving as if a moment's inattention would endanger your son's life. Meanwhile, the inattention to ladies you are escorting will endanger your social life.

Of course you want to be notified if something is wrong with your son, but telephones are now clever enough to take messages. You might keep in mind that the parent who knows about an emergency first would naturally be first on the spot to attend to it.

If you allow your telephone to ring or visibly check it for messages, the lady with you will rightly conclude that you are rude. If you constantly run off to freshen up or even admit to needing constant proof that an emergency has not occurred, she will conclude that you are nuts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I reply to people who ask me to guess how old they are?

GENTLE READER: Four.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would love to serve napoleons as dessert. However, I have never been able to determine how one eats this delectable dessert and still maintains a certain amount of decorum on the dessert plate. Any attempt results in the filling being pressed outward and the hard frosting creating shards that end up off of the plate.

GENTLE READER: So should you aim the ends at your dinner partners or your own lap if you slam down on the middle and the filling spurts out the sides?

Miss Manners hopes that is not the question. Fortunately for everyone concerned, a proper dessert service consists of both a fork and a spoon. Perforate it in the middle using the tines of your fork, then cut it with side of the fork and use the spoon to shield everyone from flying parts.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son passed away last summer due to unexpected circumstances, and I returned to work less than a week after the services. Maybe too soon, but my job is demanding, I knew the work was piling up and I needed to keep busy. I work in a complex of numerous attached buildings.

The staff in my building treated me just as I wanted with business as usual and being as helpful as possible. They seemed to know the proper way to treat someone that just lost a loved one -- don't make me dwell or relive the circumstances.

There was one woman that works in another building that came to me and demanded that I "come here" as she pointed to the area in front of her. As I was leaving my desk to go to the copy machine, I said I would be right back. Again, she pointed to the floor in front of her and demanded that I "come here," adding "you need a hug."

My response was to tell her thank you for the sentiment but I preferred things to be business as usual. When I returned to my desk from the copy machine, she was waiting for me, again telling me that I "need a hug."

My emotions were mixed, ready to cry and angry at my wishes being cast aside and her demand made again. I repeated my thank you for her expression of sympathy but did not want a hug, that I was holding it together because it was business as usual.

Now this woman is telling everyone how rude I was in refusing to allow her to express her sympathy in the manner she thought appropriate. She told this to a friend of mine, who responded that since I was the one with the loss, it is my choice on how I grieve and she should accept that.

She says I owe her an apology, do I? Was I rude?

I am just a grieving mom trying to get through each day.

GENTLE READER: How interesting that your colleague managed to fashion this incident into a case of your not being sensitive to her tender feelings. Miss Manners finds that curious in someone so arrogant as to believe that her conferring her embrace is a consoling favor.

Do not give the matter another thought. Not only is it your bereavement for you to protect, but it is your body.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, my grandmother would give me and my sisters cash for Christmas or birthdays and would like for us to tell her what we bought with it. (i.e., clothes, toys or shoes).

That really wasn't a problem until we forgot to write a thank-you card once or twice. She then went and sent blank thank-you cards with her gifts with an already filled out return envelope even down to the stamp.

When this happened I felt rightfully insulted. Was this rude of her or am I just holding on to an old wound?

GENTLE READER: Have you stopped causing this wound?

If you now faithfully write thank-you letters, Miss Manners believes that you should forgive your grandmother for going easy on you. Rather than making the expression of gratitude easier for you, she should have ceased sending you money that you evidently did not appreciate.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dancing salsa for more than 10 years, and most of my friends have as well. Either they were dragged into the scene through my own enthusiasm or I met them while dancing and we became friends. I have a 6-year-old daughter, and many of my friends have children of similar ages.

OK, so my daughter, whose birthday was this week, just switched to a new school and, as it turns out, the mother of one of the (very nice) kids in her class is also a salsera -- from way back -- with a history. She has slept with the husbands of well, like three female friends. One couple was dating at the time, another was married and I don't know the circumstances of the third. It's a VERY touchy issue.

So here's my question. THIS year we didn't invite any kids from my daughter's class, mainly because she had only been at that school a few weeks and didn't know them that well. BUT what to do with party number seven?

Having this woman at a party would make many people (men and women) uncomfortable. Should I invite whomever my daughter wants to invite from school, and let others know ahead of time and risk some of my closest friends "declining" an invitation?

I am prepared to put on my "big girl panties" in the interest of doing the right thing.

GENTLE READER: Oh, good. Miss Manners would not want you to be caught without them.

Your problem is easily solved by having your daughter invite her friends at the time, with your providing enough supervision that their parents need not attend. However, Miss Manners thanks you for all the interesting details you provided.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 23-year-old young lady who appears much younger and who recently moved from Iowa to Michigan to work as an intern. I've had several experiences where I addressed an older person by his or her first name, only to sense an awkwardness in the person's response.

When I asked my mentor/boss about it, he said an important way to show respect for an older person is to address them as "Mr." or "Ms." followed by their last name, and to continue to do so unless invited by them to use their first name. I was surprised to hear this, as I was raised to be respectful toward older adults but had never heard of this rule.

Following my mentor's advice feels really awkward, which may actually make things worse in my interactions with others. (If I'm ill-at-ease, they may assume I am insincere.) How can I know when to use this method and when not to use it, and how can I become more at ease using it?

GENTLE READER: Through practice. Meanwhile, Miss Manners asks you please to re-examine the reasoning by which you concluded that it is worse for older people to feel that you feel awkward than for you to make them feel awkward.

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