DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son passed away last summer due to unexpected circumstances, and I returned to work less than a week after the services. Maybe too soon, but my job is demanding, I knew the work was piling up and I needed to keep busy. I work in a complex of numerous attached buildings.

The staff in my building treated me just as I wanted with business as usual and being as helpful as possible. They seemed to know the proper way to treat someone that just lost a loved one -- don't make me dwell or relive the circumstances.

There was one woman that works in another building that came to me and demanded that I "come here" as she pointed to the area in front of her. As I was leaving my desk to go to the copy machine, I said I would be right back. Again, she pointed to the floor in front of her and demanded that I "come here," adding "you need a hug."

My response was to tell her thank you for the sentiment but I preferred things to be business as usual. When I returned to my desk from the copy machine, she was waiting for me, again telling me that I "need a hug."

My emotions were mixed, ready to cry and angry at my wishes being cast aside and her demand made again. I repeated my thank you for her expression of sympathy but did not want a hug, that I was holding it together because it was business as usual.

Now this woman is telling everyone how rude I was in refusing to allow her to express her sympathy in the manner she thought appropriate. She told this to a friend of mine, who responded that since I was the one with the loss, it is my choice on how I grieve and she should accept that.

She says I owe her an apology, do I? Was I rude?

I am just a grieving mom trying to get through each day.

GENTLE READER: How interesting that your colleague managed to fashion this incident into a case of your not being sensitive to her tender feelings. Miss Manners finds that curious in someone so arrogant as to believe that her conferring her embrace is a consoling favor.

Do not give the matter another thought. Not only is it your bereavement for you to protect, but it is your body.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, my grandmother would give me and my sisters cash for Christmas or birthdays and would like for us to tell her what we bought with it. (i.e., clothes, toys or shoes).

That really wasn't a problem until we forgot to write a thank-you card once or twice. She then went and sent blank thank-you cards with her gifts with an already filled out return envelope even down to the stamp.

When this happened I felt rightfully insulted. Was this rude of her or am I just holding on to an old wound?

GENTLE READER: Have you stopped causing this wound?

If you now faithfully write thank-you letters, Miss Manners believes that you should forgive your grandmother for going easy on you. Rather than making the expression of gratitude easier for you, she should have ceased sending you money that you evidently did not appreciate.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dancing salsa for more than 10 years, and most of my friends have as well. Either they were dragged into the scene through my own enthusiasm or I met them while dancing and we became friends. I have a 6-year-old daughter, and many of my friends have children of similar ages.

OK, so my daughter, whose birthday was this week, just switched to a new school and, as it turns out, the mother of one of the (very nice) kids in her class is also a salsera -- from way back -- with a history. She has slept with the husbands of well, like three female friends. One couple was dating at the time, another was married and I don't know the circumstances of the third. It's a VERY touchy issue.

So here's my question. THIS year we didn't invite any kids from my daughter's class, mainly because she had only been at that school a few weeks and didn't know them that well. BUT what to do with party number seven?

Having this woman at a party would make many people (men and women) uncomfortable. Should I invite whomever my daughter wants to invite from school, and let others know ahead of time and risk some of my closest friends "declining" an invitation?

I am prepared to put on my "big girl panties" in the interest of doing the right thing.

GENTLE READER: Oh, good. Miss Manners would not want you to be caught without them.

Your problem is easily solved by having your daughter invite her friends at the time, with your providing enough supervision that their parents need not attend. However, Miss Manners thanks you for all the interesting details you provided.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 23-year-old young lady who appears much younger and who recently moved from Iowa to Michigan to work as an intern. I've had several experiences where I addressed an older person by his or her first name, only to sense an awkwardness in the person's response.

When I asked my mentor/boss about it, he said an important way to show respect for an older person is to address them as "Mr." or "Ms." followed by their last name, and to continue to do so unless invited by them to use their first name. I was surprised to hear this, as I was raised to be respectful toward older adults but had never heard of this rule.

Following my mentor's advice feels really awkward, which may actually make things worse in my interactions with others. (If I'm ill-at-ease, they may assume I am insincere.) How can I know when to use this method and when not to use it, and how can I become more at ease using it?

GENTLE READER: Through practice. Meanwhile, Miss Manners asks you please to re-examine the reasoning by which you concluded that it is worse for older people to feel that you feel awkward than for you to make them feel awkward.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I thought I understood men's formal wear -- "white tie," "black tie," and so forth. But I was recently at a wedding where the men (apparently) wore formal wear, and I was flummoxed. Please help me.

This was an evening wedding, and I naturally expected that if the gentlemen wore formal wear, it would be what many call a "tuxedo" -- that is, a black suit with satin lapels, a satin stripe down the trouser leg, black bow tie, and either a cummerbund or a vest.

Not so! The male members of the wedding party wore black satin four-in-hand ties (not bow ties) and white vests.

Somehow, I thought this was "morning wear," or a type of morning coat (which I thought involved striped trousers and a gray-and-white striped tie). After 6 p.m., I thought proper etiquette required a bow tie. I was further confused when I checked a few formal-wear Web sites, all of which showed a great variety of jackets, trousers, and ties -- most of which were not bow ties.

Help! I now know what's available, but what is correct?

GENTLE READER: You don't watch the Academy Awards, do you?

Not, heaven forbid, that Miss Manners is suggesting that gala show-business events are the places to find out what is correct, or, for that matter, entertaining. Rather, they would alert you to a peculiar phenomenon that explains the incorrectness you have observed.

In the past few years, these folks seem to have reversed the dictates of clothing that had been in effect since the mid-19th century. And no, this has nothing to do with sartorial decency. Victorian ladies' evening dress was notoriously low-cut, and gentlemen were still wearing form-fitting trousers.

When people got sick of Georgian dandyness, it was tacitly agreed that ladies would be the show horses of fashion and gentlemen would provide sober relief. No longer vying to be outrageous, they hoped to be distinguished by the subtle excellence of their tailoring within strict and inviolable limits of design and color.

You can imagine how that goes over in post-Cary Grant Hollywood. Actors have been making pathetic little attempts to tweak their evening clothes, with results that are neither correct nor pretty. Meanwhile, actresses, tired of provoking merriment at their own taste, have handed themselves over to professional stylists who put them into the uniform of the day. So they will all appear in versions of, for example, the same slip dress with fish tail.

Etiquette is neither inspired nor intimidated by all this nonsense. The rules you recite remain in effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A bone of contention has arisen between my husband and me regarding seating of four couples at an oblong table. I say the host and hostess should sit at the head and foot respectively. My husband contends that seating should alternate male and female. This cannot work with eight people. Please settle this once and for all.

GENTLE READER: Once and for all, there are two legitimate schools of thought on this. The only difficulty arises when members of the opposing schools are married to each other. Miss Manners recommends investing in a round table.

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