DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every morning, I come into work and the woman in the next office says, "Good morning," and I say, "Good morning," back. Actually, I'm just not in the mood for good mornings in the morning but I don't want to be rude. So, OK, I'm not a very friendly person first thing in the morning. I admit it.

Does this ever reach a point where this woman risks being just a tad rude, or at least passive-aggressive, by continuing to say, "Good morning"? I never say, "Good morning" first, and she must have noticed that.

GENTLE READER: Let's see if Miss Manners understands you correctly:

You say "good morning" to a colleague who says "good morning" to you because you do not want to be rude, but you find this too much of a burden. So you want Miss Manners to declare that it is rude to greet someone who never shows the courtesy of offering greetings.

Nice try. However, Miss Manners is not in the business of condemning the courteous or providing others with excuses for being discourteous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A former colleague who has remained a friend is getting married abroad next month. She has invited friends and family to a luncheon (about a five-hour drive away for some of us) to celebrate the marriage when she and her new husband return to the States after the wedding.

About a month after sending the invitations, the guests received a menu and a note explaining that because the new couple does not need any wedding presents, they have found a creative way for us to handle the gift issue. Guests have been requested to make selections from the menu and return them with a check for more than $80 per person to cover the cost of the food (beverages will be covered by the couple).

Some of us were quite surprised at this, especially since we thought we were being invited as guests (which I always believed meant not paying for one's own food).

Is this an acceptable creative solution, or is it as "tacky" as it appears at first glance?

Does it matter that the new husband is quite wealthy, and neither he nor the bride have to work ? Does it matter that they will spend six months in the United States and six months in one of their European abodes or traveling the globe? Does it matter that it's her second marriage, and his third?

What, if any, are our obligations as friends, some of whom do not have the means to spend on travel and an extravagant meal?

GENTLE READER: To send her a warm letter wishing her well on her marriage and expressing regret that you will not be able to attend the luncheon.

Miss Manners hastens to say that this couple's financial resources and plans to spend money on themselves is not your business. What is, is that they have made you a business offer that sounds like a poor bargain -- your time and money in exchange for the privilege of congratulating them -- and which any sensible person would decline.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think that it is appropriate for an ex-wife to show up at family gathering when the present wife is in attendance? For example, Thanksgiving, funerals, Christmas and family gatherings, and it is not that she corresponds with the family during the year.

I think her children should be there but not her. Ex means no more. Do you think the present wife should go there knowing that the first wife will be present? It is a very uncomfortable situation.

GENTLE READER: Yes, it must be terribly uncomfortable for the relatives, who are only hoping to have a pleasant holiday or dignified ceremony without enduring the fallout of a past divorce. And it must be even worse for the children to witness their stepmother trying to banish their mother.

Miss Manners is sorry to have to point out that the lady in question is still related to the family -- not through your husband, but through her children. If she is invited to family occasions, you will simply have to treat her with the courtesy that you show any other member of the family of whom you are not especially fond.

You can, of course, choose to boycott family occasions. That, too, would cause discomfort to the children and their father, but perhaps not to the other relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a graduate student, and my roommate is constantly ragging on me for how much diet soda I drink (that's two cans, maybe three, a day), telling other people that I drink "so much" diet soda; how the chemicals are sure to cause cancer, destroy my teeth, how much it must cost, how she discussed it with another friend and he thought this and that, etc. I think she might think she's being funny, or maybe she's just being self-righteous.

I usually respond with a calm and not amused explanation that I really don't drink an unhealthy amount, don't drink alcohol or coffee, have not found any supportable evidence of health risk, and that my doctor and dentist think it's perfectly fine. It still won't make her stop. How do I politely tell her to mind her own business?

GENTLE READER: There is no polite way to say, "Mind your own business." Fortunately there are polite ways for people who live together on more or less peaceful terms to say, "You're driving me crazy."

Domestic arrangements are bearable only if people grant each other an occasional free pass to say, "I know you're only teasing, but it bothers me" or "I'm afraid it's time to retire that joke." If such pleas have the effect of encouraging your roommate to redouble her efforts, Miss Manners is afraid that it is time to look for other quarters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been busy organizing 15-plus years of photographs. What should I do with the wedding pictures of friends who are divorced? My thought was to file them away in my letterbox with the invitation instead of having them in a photo album. Do you have general rules for photographs?

GENTLE READER: Only one: Keep them away from people whom they might embarrass.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently missed an appointment with a dean of my graduate school. The purpose of the meeting was to request grace for another obligation I had forgotten. As soon as I realized my mistake, I wrote the dean, apologized, and asked for his continued consideration in favor of my case. In addition to checking my calendar more regularly and carefully, is there anything else I should have done or said?

GENTLE READER: "You looked busy and I didn't want to disturb you"?

"I felt suddenly ill and didn't want to mess up your office"?

"I take full responsibility for standing you up and am seeking psychiatric help for my compulsion to sabotage my reputation with the people I admire most"?

No, Miss Manners doesn't really think so. Not when the purpose of the missed appointment was to talk your way out of trouble for having missed an appointment.

She would think that the most prudent thing you could do now would be to refrain from trying the dean's patience again. Perhaps he will make such a sufficiently funny story of the event to tell his colleagues that he will eventually begin to have unreasonably benign feelings toward you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 25-year-old newly and shakily self-supporting daughter has happily announced to us that she is expecting a baby. She has no plans to marry the father, whom she has known only a few months.

She delightedly assured us that the conception was intentional (I had not asked!) and that they plan to raise the child together but may not be compatible enough to marry. (Her logic has always been an enigma to me.)

We will have to tell our friends, most of whom have known her since childhood, that we are about to become grandparents. We will need to tell our church community in which she was raised.

She is our daughter no matter what. She is aware that we are appalled. This is not the manner in which we would have chosen to become grandparents, but we intend to be loving and supportive to this child. I insisted that our daughter write a letter to each of her siblings, aunt/uncles, grandfather and godparents. They are being very supportive to us and I hope, to her, though they are clear that they feel, as we do, that this is more a case of "best wishes" than "congratulations."

So, now, how do we announce the news to friends and church? They know she isn't married. There are bound to be questions. I don't want to appear to approve of her choice, yet I don't wish to give the impression that I will in any way reject our grandchild. What do I say? How do I deal with people's responses?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not suggest repeating your daughter's rationale. It didn't go over with you and it is not likely to be admired by your church community.

But you are making a family announcement, not holding a moral referendum. Should anyone attempt to draw you into one, the only response you should make (as often as necessary until they stop) is, "She is grown-up and makes her own decisions. We don't always agree with her, but we love her and are excited to be having a grandchild."

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