DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently missed an appointment with a dean of my graduate school. The purpose of the meeting was to request grace for another obligation I had forgotten. As soon as I realized my mistake, I wrote the dean, apologized, and asked for his continued consideration in favor of my case. In addition to checking my calendar more regularly and carefully, is there anything else I should have done or said?

GENTLE READER: "You looked busy and I didn't want to disturb you"?

"I felt suddenly ill and didn't want to mess up your office"?

"I take full responsibility for standing you up and am seeking psychiatric help for my compulsion to sabotage my reputation with the people I admire most"?

No, Miss Manners doesn't really think so. Not when the purpose of the missed appointment was to talk your way out of trouble for having missed an appointment.

She would think that the most prudent thing you could do now would be to refrain from trying the dean's patience again. Perhaps he will make such a sufficiently funny story of the event to tell his colleagues that he will eventually begin to have unreasonably benign feelings toward you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our 25-year-old newly and shakily self-supporting daughter has happily announced to us that she is expecting a baby. She has no plans to marry the father, whom she has known only a few months.

She delightedly assured us that the conception was intentional (I had not asked!) and that they plan to raise the child together but may not be compatible enough to marry. (Her logic has always been an enigma to me.)

We will have to tell our friends, most of whom have known her since childhood, that we are about to become grandparents. We will need to tell our church community in which she was raised.

She is our daughter no matter what. She is aware that we are appalled. This is not the manner in which we would have chosen to become grandparents, but we intend to be loving and supportive to this child. I insisted that our daughter write a letter to each of her siblings, aunt/uncles, grandfather and godparents. They are being very supportive to us and I hope, to her, though they are clear that they feel, as we do, that this is more a case of "best wishes" than "congratulations."

So, now, how do we announce the news to friends and church? They know she isn't married. There are bound to be questions. I don't want to appear to approve of her choice, yet I don't wish to give the impression that I will in any way reject our grandchild. What do I say? How do I deal with people's responses?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would not suggest repeating your daughter's rationale. It didn't go over with you and it is not likely to be admired by your church community.

But you are making a family announcement, not holding a moral referendum. Should anyone attempt to draw you into one, the only response you should make (as often as necessary until they stop) is, "She is grown-up and makes her own decisions. We don't always agree with her, but we love her and are excited to be having a grandchild."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is October and 88 degrees outside here today. I wore a summer dress and white dressy sandals to work. (This is perfectly fine attire at my office.)

A woman I work with made the comment that she wouldn't have the audacity to wear white shoes after Labor Day. She has made a comment like this to me before along with the comment that boys should not wear white dress shoes.

I have heard two different reasons for the "only wear white shoes between Memorial and Labor Day rule": 1) that it was initiated in the 1950s as a way to intimidate and differentiate people of "lower" class that may or may not know all the etiquette rules, and 2) it was started for practicality. (White shoes reflect sunlight and don't warm the feet like black shoes would.)

Whatever the reason for the beginning of the rule, is this rule still in effect? Am I supposed to invest in an after-Labor Day summer wardrobe? As for male children not wearing white dress shoes, I have no idea where this rule came from. The comment was made while looking at a picture of my nephews in their Easter Sunday clothes.

GENTLE READER: Unseasonable heat brings out the worst in everyone. Your colleague should not be criticizing your clothes, you should not be equivocating (if you have no other shoes to wear except white sandals, what will you do when it snows?) and even cool Miss Manners is feeling snappish. She always does when people suggest that etiquette, the great equalizer because it requires everyone to be treated with respect, is really a secret code by which the rich sneer at the poor.

Customs sometimes develop for practical reasons. You can probably guess why it is not a good idea to put little boys into white shoes. And a change to white just looks cooler in summer.

But beyond that is the variety and harmony of recognizing the natural cycles of the seasons and the sun. When people no longer recognize the difference between summer and fall, or between night and day, no wonder the temperature gets confused.

So yes, the white-shoes rule is still in effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I often have lunch at home together, each fixing our own meal. Sometimes it takes me longer to get my lunch ready, and my husband will sit there at the table with his lunch in front of him, waiting for me to join him.

I tell him "Please go ahead," but he refuses, saying that it is bad manners for him to start eating without ?me. I feel that it is fine for him to start without me if I say so. ?Who's right?

What about when we have guests and I'm still finishing up in the kitchen but all the food has been served? Is it all right for me to tell my guests to go ahead and start eating?

GENTLE READER: Your etiquette problem is that your husband treats you with too much courtesy and wants to enjoy your company at lunch? Is Miss Manners missing something here?

Sharing meals is an important ritual. While it is true that others should be urged to begin when their food would get cold waiting, this should be an exceptional circumstance. Miss Manners urges you to organize your food preparation so that you can eat with your husband and your guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were thoroughly enjoying a Beethoven symphony performance until the woman seated next to us removed her sandals and placed her feet up on the loge wall in front of us. We tried our best to ignore her bare feet, but it was quite distracting and very unpleasant for us. How could we have politely made it know to her that her feet were best left shod and on the ground?

GENTLE READER: You cannot instruct people not to kick off their shoes at the symphony, even under such extreme provocation. There would hardly be a lady left in the audience.

But you can ask their assistance if you do it politely. Miss Manners suggests whispering (between movements, of course), "Sorry, but would you mind putting your feet down? We can't hear." That should puzzle her enough to make her sit up straight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our niece, Jenna, graduated from high school in June, our three children gave her a card with a promise of a gift, a small refrigerator for my dear niece's college dorm room. This has become somewhat of a tradition as our children have given two other cousins (not Jenna's siblings, but her cousins) refrigerators at the start of their college careers. Jenna seemed delighted and a happy, caring atmosphere prevailed.

This atmosphere is now all but gone.

Since none of our children live in Jenna's college town or her parents' hometown, they had been working on clever ways to purchase and deliver the gift to her room. However, when delivering Jenna, her parents purchased a refrigerator and left it with her. Then they suggested that our children should send them a check to cover the cost of the purchased item.

My children have declined to do so, and have set about to purchase a different gift for their young cousin, a stereo, if I'm not mistaken. Civility has not prevailed and I am left to wonder, should my son and daughters relinquish the check, pursue another gift or abandon the whole idea?

GENTLE READER: Among them, your relatives have certainly managed to remove all of the charm from this gesture. And, yes, Miss Manners is afraid that she is including your well-intentioned children.

They had all summer to figure out how to have the refrigerator delivered, and to alert Jenna to expect it when she moved into her dormitory. (Miss Manners doesn't feel especially clever about taking 12 seconds to think of going on the Internet and finding a store in the college town, making it a local delivery.)

Meanwhile, Jenna and her parents panicked at the idea of her having to face college with warm beer. Asking payment for the refrigerator they bought was decidedly ungracious, but not making good on the original promise wasn't nice, either. They also missed the opportunity to take the high road by thanking their aunt and uncle for getting the refrigerator for them, apologizing for the delay and the trouble, and sending the check.

Still, civility must be restored. Sending a different present ought to do it if it is accompanied not only by warm wishes but by apologies for the trouble caused by their delay in sending the refrigerator.

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