DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were thoroughly enjoying a Beethoven symphony performance until the woman seated next to us removed her sandals and placed her feet up on the loge wall in front of us. We tried our best to ignore her bare feet, but it was quite distracting and very unpleasant for us. How could we have politely made it know to her that her feet were best left shod and on the ground?

GENTLE READER: You cannot instruct people not to kick off their shoes at the symphony, even under such extreme provocation. There would hardly be a lady left in the audience.

But you can ask their assistance if you do it politely. Miss Manners suggests whispering (between movements, of course), "Sorry, but would you mind putting your feet down? We can't hear." That should puzzle her enough to make her sit up straight.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our niece, Jenna, graduated from high school in June, our three children gave her a card with a promise of a gift, a small refrigerator for my dear niece's college dorm room. This has become somewhat of a tradition as our children have given two other cousins (not Jenna's siblings, but her cousins) refrigerators at the start of their college careers. Jenna seemed delighted and a happy, caring atmosphere prevailed.

This atmosphere is now all but gone.

Since none of our children live in Jenna's college town or her parents' hometown, they had been working on clever ways to purchase and deliver the gift to her room. However, when delivering Jenna, her parents purchased a refrigerator and left it with her. Then they suggested that our children should send them a check to cover the cost of the purchased item.

My children have declined to do so, and have set about to purchase a different gift for their young cousin, a stereo, if I'm not mistaken. Civility has not prevailed and I am left to wonder, should my son and daughters relinquish the check, pursue another gift or abandon the whole idea?

GENTLE READER: Among them, your relatives have certainly managed to remove all of the charm from this gesture. And, yes, Miss Manners is afraid that she is including your well-intentioned children.

They had all summer to figure out how to have the refrigerator delivered, and to alert Jenna to expect it when she moved into her dormitory. (Miss Manners doesn't feel especially clever about taking 12 seconds to think of going on the Internet and finding a store in the college town, making it a local delivery.)

Meanwhile, Jenna and her parents panicked at the idea of her having to face college with warm beer. Asking payment for the refrigerator they bought was decidedly ungracious, but not making good on the original promise wasn't nice, either. They also missed the opportunity to take the high road by thanking their aunt and uncle for getting the refrigerator for them, apologizing for the delay and the trouble, and sending the check.

Still, civility must be restored. Sending a different present ought to do it if it is accompanied not only by warm wishes but by apologies for the trouble caused by their delay in sending the refrigerator.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mom and dad have my aunt and uncle over for a few days, these crusty stubborn Germans always argue ?about which end of the egg should point upwards in the eggholder.

My mom says the pointy end should be up and my uncle says the wide part should point up. My mother wanted me to ask if you can help them find some resolution to their ?quandry?!

GENTLE READER: Are your relatives by any chance unusually small?

Miss Manners does not mean to be cheeky or intrusive, much less size-ist, being on the dainty side herself. She is only trying to determine whether this dispute is part of a wider historical division that resulted in repeated spurts of bloody rebellion and warfare in the miniature empires of Lilliput and Biefuscu.

You will find the tragic history in Jonathan Swift's 18th-century novel "Gulliver's Travels." Apparently it had been the universal custom to eat boiled eggs from the big end until a Lilliputian prince cut his finger on the shell, whereupon his father, the emperor, decreed that all Lilliputians must henceforth eat from the small end or suffer worse consequences than finger cuts. His subjects did not take it well, and the tenacious Big-endians staged no fewer than six rebellions against the equally tenacious Small-endians.

Although one emperor was assassinated and another deposed, the rebellions did not succeed. Big-endians started defecting to Blefuscu, whose leaders were suspected of fermenting trouble in Lilliput, which then found itself threatened with international warfare. Charges of blasphemy were hurled in both directions, as the empires' common religious text instructs the faithful to open their eggs at "the convenient end" without specifying which that is.

Miss Manners cannot tell you the latest news on that front, as it has been a while since dear Mr. Swift checked in with her. Nor can she afford to take sides, as she owns and uses an assortment of egg cups of varying cup sizes. She can only urge you to preach tolerance before there is blood on the breakfast table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While shopping in the local mall, I am frequently approached by salespersons who insist I stop, speak with them and sample their product. I politely say no and continue on my way.

Often I am approached by the same person multiple times on the same shopping trip. I am tempted to ignore them and continue walking without acknowledging their presence. After all, they have no interest in me personally, but only as a potential "score." That is demonstrated by their repeated attempts to engage me as though they have never seen me before.

Do you have any advice on the best way to fend off these entreaties? Is this a case where rudeness is acceptable due to the circumstances?

GENTLE READER: There are no cases in which rudeness is acceptable. Miss Manners begs you to cease that line of thought forever.

If that is understood and settled, she will point out that not all human encounters require the same amount of effort. Nobody expects you to stop and inquire after the health of the family of someone who is asking to spray cologne on you in a department store. "No, thank you" will do the first time, and a simple shake of the head thereafter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught to respond to unreasonable requests with a great show of enthusiasm:

"Wonderful idea! If somebody can do that for you, it will be so much easier." Then in a tone of genuine regret, "Me, no, absolutely can't at the moment" (brightening) "but do hope you find someone."

This has served me well over the years, but I find it much harder when an unreasonable request is presented as something trivial and made (as it always seems to be) in front of a large group. I noticed this happening to a colleague yesterday. Colleague A called across a sea of heads in our general office.

"B, can you drop me off at the rail station as you pass on your way home?"

She then called her thanks before colleague B could respond and left the room.

Colleague A knows quite well that while B lives in the general direction of the station, actually driving to the entrance in evening traffic could add 30 or 40 minutes to the journey. She also knows that B has very strong reasons just now for arriving home as early as possible. Most of the people present did not know any of this. If B had refused, it would have sounded mean and explanations would have sounded lame.

How would Miss Manners have handled this?

GENTLE READER: By going home. But first, Miss Manners would have wrung her hands and said to everyone around, "Oh, dear, she's gone without waiting for an answer. And I'm afraid I can't take her. I'll leave her a message, but if anyone sees her, please tell her." And the next day, she would have expressed the hope that the lady got home all right and explained that she would be glad to take her when she has the extra time.

What is more, Miss Manners would occasionally offer the lady a ride. She believes in going out of one's way to help others when one can -- once one has cured them of the unpleasant habit of pre-empting such offers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A number of supermarkets in my area have introduced these checkout stations where you scan your own items and pay without ever having to interact with a real person. What is the proper etiquette if you are next in line at one of these self-checkouts?

I usually wait until the shopper ahead of me has completed her transaction, bagged her groceries and left the checkout before I begin scanning my items, but lately, I've found myself pressured to "hurry up" as the person behind me starts sending their groceries down the belt before I've finished bagging mine.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed rude to pressure people to hurry up. It is also rude to keep people waiting unnecessarily. Timing is everything in this situation -- that and not getting your groceries mixed up with other people's -- and Miss Manners hopes you are not avoiding one form of rudeness only to fall into another. If you are not actively getting in the way of the customer bagging her groceries, you may divert your consideration to those in line behind you.

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