DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a family member who absolutely needs his morning cup of coffee the first thing in the morning after getting up. So he crawls out of bed and heads straight to the kitchen in his "tighty whities" and undershirt.

Then he holds conversation in a kitchen with a lot of windows, which other family members are embarrassed by, and concerned that fellow neighbors can see in or passers-by on the street when they are walking through our neighborhood. How can we solve this issue?

GENTLE READER: A coffee maker in the bedroom? Window shades? Everyone else in the family leading him out of the kitchen to converse?

Miss Manners suspects that what you really want from her is a way to teach your relative modesty. But she gathers from his coffee habit that he is a grown-up, and she supposes that the family has had no success arguing its own embarrassment.

For him to be embarrassed enough to go put on a robe, for goodness' sake, there has to be someone whose disapproval would embarrass him. The neighbors? The police?

It might be easier to find a nice, gauzy material that will let in the light but blur the view and nail it over the windows.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a fairly successful couple who both work and have a wide range of friends. For the past few years, our businesses have slowed, as has our income. And we have a 5-year-old child. All of this to say -- we aren't as wealthy as we once were and so hosting parties is out of the question.

Here's the challenge: We have friends, a married couple with no children, who are on the financial upswing, who have moved into a lovely new townhouse and, for the last few years have been hosting many parties in their home. There's the annual New Year's Day brunch, the annual Halloween Brunch, the make new acquaintances seated dinner party, the annual Fourth of July party and so on ... YIKES! We feel so far behind on reciprocating that it's becoming uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: You should be uncomfortable. But not, Miss Manners hastens to add, in financial ruin. You do owe a return on hospitality you have accepted, but only within your means.

Shoving a bottle of wine at your hosts when you are a guest will not do it. You must entertain them. In your own way, not theirs.

Two of the most chic forms of entertainment are ridiculously cheap: tea parties (tea, bread, cucumbers, cookies) and midnight suppers (scrambled eggs, salad) after an event that people were already attending (and so bought their own tickets), such as theater or opera. Less formally, there is family supper, ordinary (as opposed to New Year's Day) brunch, and watching a game or rented movies with snacks.

People just like to go out once in a while, and they like going to other people's houses. Most of all, they like the feeling that their friends want to see them enough to make an effort, beyond showing up for food and fun whenever others make the effort.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are taking a vacation to England this fall, and I have a tiara I wore with my prom dress. What places can I wear it out in England? I know they use them a lot there.

GENTLE READER: No, not a lot. Not nearly as often as Miss America wears hers, for example.

Elderly British duchesses have been known to get fed up waiting for an opportunity to wear theirs, despairing that when their saucy daughters-in-law inherit them, they will pluck out the gem stones to use for heaven knows what. Probably belly-button decorations.

This is because tiaras are worn only for full dress occasions, which nowadays pretty much means only grand state banquets or ceremonies, and the occasional full-scale royal wedding. Perhaps Miss Manners had better explain that full dress means something more than prom wear and the full-scale wedding means something more than a royal second wedding you may have seen on television. In any case, the days of private balls and grand opera nights where tiaras were worn seem to have faded away. Furthermore, tiaras are not supposed to be worn by unmarried ladies, with the exception of those who are being married within an hour of placing them carefully in their hair.

Miss Manners hopes she hasn't spoiled your vacation. You may find there a daring young lady or two who doesn't care about the rules governing tiaras as a sign of rank and wealth and plops something sparkly in her hair to go out dancing. It is just that you are no more or less likely to do so than in the United States.

Besides, tiaras are a nightmare to pack.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to people who ask when my boyfriend and I will become engaged?

GENTLE READER: "We haven't set the date."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out about my surprise 40th birthday party within days of my wife, sister and friends planning it.

My wife made the mistake of saving the invitation on our computer; being a computer guy and seeing a strange file, I opened it. If I tell everyone how I found out, my sister and others may get mad at my wife for making the mistake.

What should I do? Do I tell them I know or play dumb to the end?

GENTLE READER: Of course you should play-act. That is what it takes, under any circumstances, to be the guest of honor at a surprise party.

Even if you didn't know about it beforehand, you would have to maintain an astonished look on your face for the entire duration of the party, while one guest after another asked if you were "really" surprised. Even if you fainted dead away at the door, all the guests would ask you during the course of the evening if you were really surprised.

The correct answer to that is yes. Miss Manners presumes that you were surprised when you came upon the invitation in the computer, and you needn't be specific about the timing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife insists on sending out birthday/anniversary cards exactly two ?days before the event, hoping it gets there on the very day. Many times ?it arrives late, because no one can predict how long it takes the USPO to deliver a letter.

I prefer to send it four or five days early, to be sure it gets there BEFORE the event. I believe a late-arriving card is inconsiderate, suggesting I didn't care enough to send the card on time.

My wife believes an early-arriving card says "I don't care much about you. I just send these cards out ?whenever," meaning, I didn't take enough thought to get the card to you on the very day of the event (which, I believe, is impossible without using overnight delivery).

Am I right to be embarrassed by the late-arriving cards she sends, with my name on them? Is there anything wrong with a birthday card arriving a few days before the birthday? That's how we deliver wedding/birthday/Christmas presents.

GENTLE READER: There is something wrong -- no, just sad -- about the two of you speculating on the number of ways that your friends will hate you for sending them your good wishes. Sending cards is not the usual way of letting people know you don't care about them.

If Miss Manners had to choose, she would favor getting them there before the date, rather than after. But she would also choose friends who did not take insult when kindness was intended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking toward the entrance of my condominium carrying a pile of loose uniforms as another older lady approached at the same time. She stopped several feet from the door, fumbling through her purse for her keys. I already had my keys in my hand, so I unlocked the door, walked in but still held the door open for her with my one free hand. She said thank you. Two seconds later, as she followed me, she yelled loudly, "You're welcome!" She was obviously mad that I didn't say "you're welcome."

I always say thank you to anyone who holds the door for me, but I never require anyone to stop and turn around (especially when someone was carrying tons of items) and formally acknowledge the fact that I said thanks. Many times, a smile, a nod, or an uh-huh is given but even then, I don't expect anything. I open a door because it's the nice thing to do. I don't expect thanks (and sometimes I don't even get it) or an acknowledgement of the thanks. Did I make a mistake by not acknowledging?

GENTLE READER: Not as big a mistake as she did. Trying to teach manners by being rude is as unpleasant as it is futile. Miss Manners has never yet heard of someone who was humiliated into reforming in the hope of pleasing the stranger who caused that humiliation.

But rude would-be reformers keep trying. The particular method practiced on you is more often directed at those who neglect to say thank you -- a fat, dripping "Well, thank you" is said by the person who should have been thanked. Whichever way, it doesn't work.

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