DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please describe the proper way to eat escargot that is served in the shell. I was supplied with a seafood fork and specialized tongs, but I was unsure how the tongs were to be used.

GENTLE READER: Mmmmm. Garlic butter. Mmmmm.

Wait. Miss Manners is not supposed to get emotionally involved with the food. Her job is to get it into your mouth without incident. So of course that is the source and the extent of her interest in your garlic butter, which smells so good.

In contrast, the snail is wallowing in it, probably way down on the innermost curve of the shell. He is counting on your spilling melted butter all over yourself and ending the pursuit to repair the damage to your clothes.

You have the equipment to outwit him. Take the tongs in your left hand (left-handers reverse directions), using them to grab a shell, but being extremely careful to keep the shell vertical. You must hold it steady while you take up the fork with your right hand and dig into the recesses of the shell, slowing bringing its occupant out of its safety zone. You can then tilt the shell very slightly to drizzle butter over your catch before plopping it into your mouth.

Miss Manners apologizes if this sounds ruthless. Our excuse is that we only do it for the garlic butter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know there is a rule about not answering your cell phone when you are having a conversation with a friend. Is there a similar rule for instant messaging?

I was chatting with my boyfriend tonight when I realized he was taking too long in replying. Then he told me he was also having a conversation with his ex, whose birthday was today and who had just showed up online.

I felt it was rude of him to have a conversation in which I was not allowed to participate, so I excused myself and left so they could chat in peace.

We discussed the whole thing later. He insisted I was being immature about it, because I was demanding his undivided attention to me. He thinks I should have been more generous about it, instead of being jealous. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Lucky for your beau that it happened to be your predecessor with whom he was text-messaging. Otherwise, he would not have been able to distract you with the charge of jealousy.

Miss Manners is particularly impressed with the way he twisted the meaning of "his undivided attention." It came out sounding as if you expected him to concentrate on you to the exclusion of all other people. Quite a different matter from whether he should listen when you are in the act of talking to him.

The rule that you recognize was not made exclusively for cellular telephones, which are, as you may or may not realize, of comparatively recent origin. It refers back to the fact that it always has been -- and always will be -- rude to snub people who are addressing you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing today because, once again, a workman has arrived early at my home for work that was scheduled 20 minutes later than his arrival.

Mind you, this was for a morning appointment and he and his supervisor would be here most of the morning correcting a problem with drapes they had previously installed. I had to stop what I was involved in (my work), was not quite prepared (dressed) for their arrival and had to endure them in my home for the repair.

I did not receive a ready apology for the early ring at the door when I expressed to him "all my clocks must be slow," only a "yea, I am early."

I appreciate that the installer wanted to get started on the repair job as soon as he was able. However, the supervisor for the job had not yet arrived and needed to evaluate the problem with the drapes before it was handled by the installer, and did not. My expectation is that the installer should wait for the supervisor to arrive, who, incidentally, arrived at the specified time.

Should I equate "punctuality" with an early arrival? I always equated "punctuality" with "on time," if not "on the dot" then not more than two to five minutes early and two to three minutes late. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Wait a minute -- you had a workman show up for work at your house on the very day and within the hour that he was supposed to come? What's his name?

Miss Manners wasn't planning to have any work done on her house, but she hates to miss this opportunity.

Oops. She got overexcited, didn't she? It's just that certain professions -- plumbers, doctors, lawyers and the people who come to fix a household appliance and tell you that it would be cheaper to buy a new one than to have them do work on top of the whopping fee they charge just for visiting it -- have accustomed us to the idea that they can keep us waiting. They lay claim to having emergencies, which we are not allowed.

But even aside from being grateful not to be subjected to the rudeness of being kept waiting, Miss Manners cannot find an early arrival as culpable as it would be in a guest. This is because if you have a serious reason for not allowing the person to come in -- and not being dressed qualifies -- you can say something that you cannot say to a guest: "I'm not quite ready -- would you mind waiting in your truck?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married next summer. Her father and I divorced 10 years ago and have very little contact. He married his mistress. They have invited her parents to the wedding. As the mother of the bride and hostess of this event, how do I greet these people?

Nice to meet you. No. Thanks for coming. No. I am not happy to meet them nor will I be happy they came. My daughter does not have a relationship with these people.

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, "Nice to meet you" is never the correct remark to make for a first encounter. It is true that the French always declare themselves enchanted, but we consider this judgment premature. "How do you do?" is the correct greeting, and Miss Manners promises you that to say it, you do not need to care how they do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone invites you some place, how do you say maybe in a polite way? An example is, say, one of your friends is having people over, then your friends from work ask you if you want to go eat at this place. How do you say maybe in a polite way? I cannot say, "Well, I have to see what my plans are" or "Well, my friend is having people over but if it's lame I'll come...?!?!?"

I do not want to say yes and then not come or be stuck, but then I do not want to say no and then decide, well, I wish I would have gone with the other people.

GENTLE READER: So you want a polite way to say "I'll be there if I don't find something better to do and provided I happen to feel like it at the time"?

Miss Manners is sorry to disappoint you, but there are no polite ways to be rude. Imagine that!

And hedging is rude. Someone who is kind enough to issue you an invitation deserves an immediate answer. You can buy a day's leeway by asking if you can check with your spouse/boss/doctor, but that's it. If you are not enthusiastic about going, decline. If you accept, you have to go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife, a high school English teacher who taught advanced composition courses to seniors before retiring, had a pet peeve about one very common usage by prominent speakers in every field and also highly respected authors. It is starting a sentence with "I don't think...." She insisted that her students use "I think" instead of "I don't think."

Her rationale was obvious. The latter implies that the writer doesn't think. I would like to have your opinion on this subject.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to contradict pedants, because she is one. But she does not think that your wife is right. And that is more polite than saying that she thinks your wife is wrong, which is no small reason for preferring it.

If the statement "I don't think" stood alone, it would mean what you wife says it does. But she admits that this is only the beginning of a sentence which then names what the person does not think -- itself evidence of thought.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As half of a same-sex couple, I am a little puzzled about bread-and-butter notes. When my partner and I lived in separate communities and had dinner in the home of a couple who lived in between, I agreed that it was proper for both of us to write. But now that we are living together, it seems a little odd for the same couple to be getting two separate notes from the same household. I think one note over two signatures would suffice. Perhaps we might alternate writing them.

GENTLE READER: Alternate. Or assign the task entirely to whichever of you enjoys doing it or minds the least. Unbeknownst to most brides, even among that gracious minority of brides who actually do write timely letters of thanks, a letter should be signed only by its author. Two people can issue an invitation, send a greeting card, make a formal announcement and write a movie script, but only one person can write a letter.

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