DEAR MISS MANNERS: My roommate received birthday cards in the mail from her friends, but the only card she received from a family member had something in it that I thought very disturbing when she shared it with me.

Inside, on what was supposed to be a happy moment for her, was an obituary notice from the Internet announcing the death of her cousin who had died almost three months ago.

This is not the first time this has happened to her. There have been other deaths in her family relations that the family doesn't seem to let her know right away, and it's upsetting, frustrating and angersome to her.

Is there any kind of etiquette to sending special-occasion cards to family or friends?

GENTLE READER: Yes: It says that "Happy Birthday, Your Cousin Is Dead" is not a good message.

Miss Manners would have thought people could figure this out for themselves, but apparently not. Every Christmas, she hears from people who have received death notices in otherwise cheery cards. They want to know how to reply with a polite version of "Oh, well, win some, lose some."

Because that is impossible, that multitask messaging is rude. Word of deaths should be sent (if not by the immediately bereaved, then by their friends who ask what they can do to help) in a timely fashion to those who may be presumed to be interested.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are fortunate to have moved to a home next to the ocean. Also, we are pleased to be in a position to host our friends and family in a pleasant location.

I only want to have my company come when it doesn't conflict with our plans. We are a family of six, including two serious athletes, so our schedules can sometimes be complicated. I understand that the polite response is to say (if it is inconvenient or an otherwise undesired visit), "Oh, I'm sorry we cannot host you right then, but I'm happy to let you know of several nice hotels in the area."

Please advise me on how to handle would-be guests who reply that they'll slightly change their schedule, or worse, insist that they won't be any trouble so they'll come along anyway? Finally, how should one politely handle a close relative (is this possible?) who doesn't register inconvenient schedules? I'd rather not become inhospitable through sheer frustration.

GENTLE READER: You seem to have lost control of the invitations to your own house. Admittedly, there is some leeway allowed to relatives about proposing themselves, but it is the host's privilege to set the dates.

Miss Manners suggests your jumping in and doing this when a proposed date is inconvenient. You cannot sound inhospitable when you are saying, "How about the weekend of the second? Or the tenth?"

That is for guests you do want to entertain. For those you do not, the hotel answer will do, but you can also say firmly, "I'm so sorry, but we have such a crowded schedule right now. Why don't we call you when we're free?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got a strange phone call yesterday evening from an old friend. When we dated for a relatively short time, more than four years ago, it quickly became clear that we were far more suited as friends than as sweethearts, and we settled into a good friendship. I've always enjoyed his conversations, and we visited back and forth perhaps every six months or so.

So he called up yesterday, I thought to chitchat. Early in the conversation he said he was getting married this fall. I, myself was married a year ago, to my favorite man in the entire world, so my response was "Congratulations! When is it?" I jotted down the date, planning to put it on my calendar.

However, a little further along, it became clear that we were not invited to the wedding. Not only were we NOT invited to the wedding, but apparently the fiance has "issues" with "old girlfriends" and he is now not supposed to stay in touch with me at all.

If this is the case, why call? Or if calling to let me know, why on earth tell me about the wedding? I find myself slightly hurt, somewhat pissed off, disappointed, but most of all mystified. My husband is also disappointed, as he was looking forward to meeting this (now former) friend.

What, if anything should he have said or done instead? And what, if anything, should I?

I was very courteous about it, at the time stating that I hoped the situation would change, and to let me know if there was anything we could do to help. I'm not tempted to send them a wedding present -- does that count as an announcement?

I probably will do nothing at all, except be miffed for a few days, and then forget about it. I assume I'm not allowed to call back and tell him he's a wimpy pinhead and that she's a ... well, I'm far too well-bred to say what I think SHE is.

GENTLE READER: Never mind her. This is a rare case in which blaming the messenger is justified. He is the one who was your friend.

Although the fiancee insisted that he break with you, and possibly even dictated the unpleasant way in which it was stated, he went along with it and performed the deed. He could so easily have accepted your congratulations, murmured something about its being a small wedding and let you assume thereafter that he was too occupied with his new life to keep in touch.

Miss Manners suspects that the form may have been intended to offend you, as extra protection against your friendship. Of course you are angry -- portraying you as a threat to his marriage implies that the friendship was a sham and that your own marriage must be. What the happy couple may not realize is that it also casts aspersions on their marriage.

You, at least, behaved civilly. There is nothing more for you to do. You can regret having misplaced your friendship, but you should not regret missing a chance to misbehave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wife of a good friend has all of a sudden decided she didn't like her real first name and changed it. Not legally, mind you, but she just wants to be called something else. I find it hard to not call her by her real name. Am I out of line in refusing to call her by the name she decided to choose?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are wrong to refuse. That is to say, you may keep calling her by her original name, if your intention is to annoy her, but Miss Manners insists that you apologize, if it is called to your attention, and blame it on a poor memory.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to disinfest a stranger?

I was enjoying a piano recital recently in a pavilion open to the outdoors. During the second movement of a Beethoven sonata, I could not help noticing that the enjoyment of the lady sitting in front of me was about to be curtailed by a large beetle. This insect was rapidly crawling up her dress and would in moments reach the top and almost certainly fall down her back.

Summoning the most feathery touch I could muster, I managed to flick the thing away without disturbing the woman. My friends teased me afterward about my "surgeon's hands." But I wonder: Would there have been a better plan of action from an etiquette standpoint in this situation? Alert the lady before possibly touching her? Secure her permission before proceeding? And what of the time element?

GENTLE READER: And what about Beethoven?

If not for him, you could have said, "Excuse me, there's a bug on you" and flicked it away, all so quickly that the lady would understand her plight at the same time that you were performing the rescue. Or you could have merely informed the lady of its presence and let her deal with it herself.

But there was Beethoven. Being deaf, he might not have been bothered by your talking, but all those other people trying to listen to him would have been furious.

The general rule is that you never touch a stranger without permission. (It also usually applies to acquaintances, but if Miss Manners declared that a firm rule, the human race would come to an end.)

However, she will not argue with your success, which suggests a rare exception. Even if you had not been so adroit, and she misunderstood your intention, mouthing the word "bug" would have been less disturbing than applying for permission.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today I received an e-mail from a business associate. Upon opening the e-mail and reading the first sentence, I quickly determined that the content was very personal (medical stuff) and not meant for me. With some effort, I overcame my curiosity and deleted the e-mail without reading the rest of the lengthy message or looking at any of the attached photos.

So far I have chosen to ignore the e-mail. But the sender will most likely realize her mistake at some time. I'd like to assure her that I respected her privacy (as best as I could), but I hate to cause her any undue embarrassment.

Should I have immediately replied that I apparently received an e-mail not meant for me so I deleted it without reading it, and thought she'd like to know so that she could send it to the proper recipient? (Is that even believable?) Or is it best to just pretend it never happened?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners believes you. But sadly, she believes you are right in suspecting that no one else will. What you might say that is more plausible is, "I believe I got an e-mail from you, but I couldn't open it, and now it's gone." The "couldn't" here refers to your high standard of morality.

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