DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an apparently interesting scar, about 3 inches long, straight down my spine on my lower back. It's not normally visible, but occasionally friends or acquaintances will inquire about it and I cheerfully tell them the rather dull truth about falling off a stool when I was a child. However, sometimes random strangers catch a glimpse (leaning over a water fountain, or on the beach and the like) and feel utterly comfortable coming up to me and asking where I picked up such an odd disfigurement. In these cases, I tend to cheerfully tell them the first thing that pops into my head -- I was born with a tail, or kidnapped by aliens or had a reverse C-section, that sort of thing.

My casual acquaintance, upon hearing about this habit, informed me that it was unconscionably rude and terribly inappropriate. I tend to feel that I'm reacting humorously, but not inappropriately, to an entirely rude question, and that if they felt the need to go to all the effort of approaching me, I ought to give them an entertaining return.

Who's in the right here? And, if I'm being rude, what would be a polite response that's still better than a blank stare or a chilly "Excuse me?"

GENTLE READER: A better response? Yours are indeed amusing, and Miss Manners will not try to top them. You need a casual acquaintance with a better sense of humor.

As long as your delivery is not sarcastic, a good-natured nonanswer is more polite than any way of conveying that it is none of their business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is an important executive with a very large travel-related American corporation. As a thank you gesture for her efforts in increasing their business, a cruise ship line invited her and 12 of her extended family to be their gratis guests on an inaugural cruise. The fortunate party included three adult men, seven adult women and three children.

During a formal dinner one evening, the president of the cruise line stopped at our table (which probably represented an outlay of about $50,000 for his company) and chatted for a few minutes. No one stood up.

Please explain to me the correct protocol in a situation like this. Should my sister-in-law, as the primary invitee, have stood, or because of her gender is that not necessary? Should my brother as her husband stand? Should all of the men at the table have stood? Or should every one of us have jumped up and given him a group hug?

GENTLE READER: This is a tricky question, and not just because of the effect 13 people all hopping up at once might have had on the balance of the ship.

In the workplace, rank and not gender determines precedence. However, the president of the cruise line was not your sister-in-law's boss but her benefactor, and, at any rate, his generosity places her on vacation. So let's leave her seated, and the other ladies as well. Miss Manners would like to see the children rise, as they should for any adult. That leaves the three gentlemen. It would have been graceful if they had stood and toasted his kindness and his health.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have placed myself in a very bad situation. I have been in love with a friend for the past four years, a 30-year-old Frenchman who is now residing in Paris. I am living in Canada, on my way to move back home to live in the States.

I miss him deeply and I'm also deeply in love with him, but he does not know this. Besides the pure agony that I have placed myself in, I have had opportunities in the past to share my sentiments for him, but I didn't have the courage.

I married another man who was friends with the man that I love. However, they do not keep in touch. When I was on the altar at the church preparing to say my vows, thoughts of him flashed through my mind and heart.

I felt as if it were God telling me that my conscience was not clear and so I shouldn't proceed, but I was in denial. I did not want to be in love with another while I was already preparing to marry another man, but even though I had fought against my better judgment, I couldn't rid my heart of what it knew and where it was guiding me. I know that I may sound ridiculous, but I'm clearly and truly in love with this other man.

I would like to know if you have any advice for me regarding a love letter that I have already begun to write to him. I want to win his interest and love and I don't know how. I don't mean any disrespect or pain to him or to anyone regarding my problem, but I feel that whether or not he returns my sentiments, I must tell him, at least to clear my heart. I would like to share my life with him, and if I can't do this, it is important to me that I'm close to him. How can I win his affections and how can I persuade him to understand in my letter?

GENTLE READER: Why does Miss Manners have the creepy feeling that you already have a letter that is overdue? That is the one in which you tell your husband that through no fault of his, you find you cannot go on with the marriage.

If that is done, you merely have to tell the other gentleman in question that you are divorcing and would like to renew your acquaintance with him. Trust Miss Manners, he will not have a difficult time figuring out why.

As to how he will react, you will have to take your chances. Miss Manners does not dispense love potions. But she does advise you to refrain from telling him about your thoughts at the altar, as she dearly hopes you have refrained from telling your husband. It is not so much flattering to the object of your fantasies as it is scary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send an anniversary card to a fairly recent widow? I would like to honor her by remembering their wonderful love, but he passed late last year and I'm not sure of the proper etiquette.

GENTLE READER: "Happy anniversary" is not exactly the message to send. No doubt the greeting card industry has come up with something like "Sorry your husband isn't there to celebrate," but Miss Manners warns you that canned sentiments won't do. It would be kind of you to write the lady a letter saying that you are thinking of her on this day and feel enriched by the example of her marriage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any proper way to discourage relatives from using us as vacation headquarters, and still maintain a relationship? Over the years, they have become more and more rude when staying with us. We are moving soon to an even more attractive vacation spot and anticipate even more visits. Any suggestions on how to let them know we are tired of it all?

GENTLE READER: You mean such as, "No offense, but we're really tired of you?"

Not a good idea. People have a funny way of feeling insulted when you let them know that you are sick of them. It is therefore prudent to leave them in some doubt.

Since you are moving, Miss Manners suggests starting by saying that you are not yet prepared for guests. If they stay in the area anyway, quickly invite them for dinner -- for several days after their arrival. You are accustoming them to being on their own.

In any case, the next time they volunteer to be your guests, you will have to confess that you never put together a guest room, but are using the space for a library, den, workout room or whatever. If you do have a room with an extra bed, Miss Manners recommends piling it with cartons before they come to town.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of many years and I gave "commitment" rings to each other, mine an expensive diamond, hers an inexpensive wedding band. We have broken up, since I walked away from an unsharing relationship. I had given her many pieces of expensive Czech crystal and glass. She says now that she need not give back anything, including the ring since it was a gift.

I accept that the glass was a gift in each case and have asked for none of it returned. Usually the advice is to give back both rings since they will only bring up bad memories. What is your opinion, and what is the standard correct etiquette in such a case?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how you define a commitment, even an unsharing one. If you considered it a marriage, she keeps the ring. If you considered it a commitment to be married, also known as an engagement, she gives it back. Your choice.

But wait, no, it's not. Your erstwhile partner maintains possession and has already declared it a nonsymbolic present unrelated to the future of the relationship. As unconvincing as this is, Miss Manners would not advise you to hope for it back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father, a clergyman for the last 50 years, was taught in seminary that reverend is a written title only, never a spoken one. Proper spoken titles are rabbi, pastor, father, mother, sister, brother, minister, doctor, mr., mrs., ms., Your Grace and the like.

Of course, I don't expect Hollywood to know this -- and they don't -- but I have heard ministers refer to themselves as Reverend So And So. I have even heard some "high church" types call my dear, dedicated, unpretentious father Parson German Church in a rather mean tone of voice. Is it now acceptable to call yourself reverend?

GENTLE READER: No, it is commonplace but still incorrect. Miss Manners would imagine the clergy to be especially wary of using the argument that if everyone does something, it must be all right.

Besides, this usage is not quite seemly. Miss Manners is confident that those who err do not mean to be arrogant, but it is a bit as if the pope were to refer to himself as My Holiness.

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