DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any proper way to discourage relatives from using us as vacation headquarters, and still maintain a relationship? Over the years, they have become more and more rude when staying with us. We are moving soon to an even more attractive vacation spot and anticipate even more visits. Any suggestions on how to let them know we are tired of it all?

GENTLE READER: You mean such as, "No offense, but we're really tired of you?"

Not a good idea. People have a funny way of feeling insulted when you let them know that you are sick of them. It is therefore prudent to leave them in some doubt.

Since you are moving, Miss Manners suggests starting by saying that you are not yet prepared for guests. If they stay in the area anyway, quickly invite them for dinner -- for several days after their arrival. You are accustoming them to being on their own.

In any case, the next time they volunteer to be your guests, you will have to confess that you never put together a guest room, but are using the space for a library, den, workout room or whatever. If you do have a room with an extra bed, Miss Manners recommends piling it with cartons before they come to town.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of many years and I gave "commitment" rings to each other, mine an expensive diamond, hers an inexpensive wedding band. We have broken up, since I walked away from an unsharing relationship. I had given her many pieces of expensive Czech crystal and glass. She says now that she need not give back anything, including the ring since it was a gift.

I accept that the glass was a gift in each case and have asked for none of it returned. Usually the advice is to give back both rings since they will only bring up bad memories. What is your opinion, and what is the standard correct etiquette in such a case?

GENTLE READER: It depends on how you define a commitment, even an unsharing one. If you considered it a marriage, she keeps the ring. If you considered it a commitment to be married, also known as an engagement, she gives it back. Your choice.

But wait, no, it's not. Your erstwhile partner maintains possession and has already declared it a nonsymbolic present unrelated to the future of the relationship. As unconvincing as this is, Miss Manners would not advise you to hope for it back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father, a clergyman for the last 50 years, was taught in seminary that reverend is a written title only, never a spoken one. Proper spoken titles are rabbi, pastor, father, mother, sister, brother, minister, doctor, mr., mrs., ms., Your Grace and the like.

Of course, I don't expect Hollywood to know this -- and they don't -- but I have heard ministers refer to themselves as Reverend So And So. I have even heard some "high church" types call my dear, dedicated, unpretentious father Parson German Church in a rather mean tone of voice. Is it now acceptable to call yourself reverend?

GENTLE READER: No, it is commonplace but still incorrect. Miss Manners would imagine the clergy to be especially wary of using the argument that if everyone does something, it must be all right.

Besides, this usage is not quite seemly. Miss Manners is confident that those who err do not mean to be arrogant, but it is a bit as if the pope were to refer to himself as My Holiness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend got married about a year ago, and I consider her and her husband both to be very good friends. My problem is that she calls me to vent every time she has a problem with her husband.

I understand the need for people to vent, but all of it is stuff that her husband would be humiliated or angry to know she was telling me. She repeats their fights word for word, tells me all about her husband's depression, private stuff about her husband's family (whom she dislikes greatly), gossip about her husband's friends and co-workers, etc. She always says, "He would kill me if he knew I told you this, but..."

I want to be there for her, but some things I am plain not interested in hearing. I was raised that private family stuff should be kept private. She wants more than just an ear -- she wants me to help her analyze what they really meant.

I don't know how to ask her, without hurting her feelings, to either tone down the level of info she gives me or maybe talk to someone else. I've tried, but if we're on the phone she'll talk over me and then end the call; if we're face-to-face, she'll get incredibly offended and try to pick a fight.

The truth is that she gets a thrill out of sharing confidential information, and has been this way for as long as I've known her. I can't just ignore her, because I babysit for her child. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were you, she would be thinking about getting a new best friend, even if it entailed finding a new babysitting job. Because your friend has always been like that, you might think about what she must be telling others about you.

It is not Miss Manners' job to break up friendships, however, and you have not proposed to do so. Merely to discourage these confidences, she would advise "being there" -- not for your friend, but for those who are, in fact, not there.

A few rounds of "Your poor husband is depressed -- you should go easy on him" and "Your mother-in-law has a point" and "They sound like people I would like" should dramatically dampen her desire for these discussions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does one give a gift for a grandchild for a piano recital? If so, what? I have two grandchildren, one 10 (girl) the other 8 (boy), and they are both having a piano recital on the same day, but I have no idea as to what is correct to do or rather what is expected.

GENTLE READER: You are expected to endure the entire recital -- not only the pieces played by your relatives, but everybody else's contributions as well -- with an expression of bliss on your face and hands that beat together at every opportunity. Afterward, you are expected to distribute compliments with abandon: to your grandchildren, to the other children, to their parents and to the teacher.

Musicians like to unwind after a performance, and so you might also consider taking them out afterward for a treat. That is optional, but replying to their post-performance questions by assuring them that any mistakes they mention went unnoticed is not.

Miss Manners would consider all that generous enough. You do not want them expecting every occasion to be an opportunity to collect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently visited a remote tropical island where, upon my departure, the local inhabitants insisted on killing and eating a giant sea turtle in my honor. I do eat meat, but not turtle. Though I thanked them and ate it with a smile, was that the wrong thing to do?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to our own native habit of saying, "Yuck, how can you eat such a thing?" and then lecturing the hosts on nutrition, ecology or the sea turtle's point of view?

You would never know it from America's dining tables, Miss Manners realizes, but it is offensive to criticize other people's food or eating habits. Of course, it is also rude to monitor what guests do or do not eat, which is equally common in our society, but there is an exception. And you have run smack into it.

Between cultures, whether they are countries or ethnic groups within the same country, food is a test of whether outsiders are worthy. So unless you have an excuse that seems beyond your control (and is accompanied by a look of regret and longing), such as an allergy or a religious restriction, eat up and declare it the best thing you ever tasted. It is good training for a career as a diplomat or politician.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an acquaintance who, when asked "How are you?" always answers, "Better than I deserve."

She does this constantly. Even in restaurants to waiters. It drives me and several other of her acquaintances nuts. Although I have tried to ignore it and no longer ask, "How are you?" other unsuspecting people do, and are invariably at a loss for words. What does one say to that? She thinks she is being very cute. (Incidentally, she is 75 years old and not nearly as cute as she thinks she is.)

Do you have any suggestions for a rejoinder that would curtail this response? I hate to be rude to her, but I did on one occasion say, "I am sure that is so." It did not faze her. Most people just stare at her or look away.

Why does she, as well as many other people, think that "How are you?" is anything other than just a greeting? Not an inquiry into their health, mental or otherwise?

Incidentally, avoiding her is not an option as we are in a number of activities together, including church.

She also picks her teeth with her finger during meals. We have offered her toothpicks as a hint. She always accepts and then uses them. One friend even offered her dental floss. We held our collective breath in the hope that she would not use it at the table.

GENTLE READER: She will, though. With a lot of patience, you may be able to teach a 5-year-old that she is not as cute as she thinks she is, and that she must observe basic table manners. You will not be able to do so with a 75-year-old, and it is not even your business to try. Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to look the other way, especially during meals.

The rejoinder does not require a reply. And Miss Manners finds the ploy of offering the lady toothpicks and dental floss not as cute as you think it is. Your sarcasm is passing unnoticed.

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