DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems the latest styles for women's tops and blouses is to have cleavage bulging out. My husband was very uncomfortable with his grown daughter and her nightie during a recent outing.

As soon as she was out the door, he made a comment to me that he was uncomfortable, trying to keep his eyes above board.

Now, with another holiday approaching, the ex-wife will join in with her cleavage-busting attire. Any comments? I find it amusing.

GENTLE READER: Good. Because second wives should never comment on the taste of first wives. It forfeits their chances to appear ladylike when the first wives badmouth them.

But children, even grown-up children, are different. Your husband need not have waited until his daughter was out the door -- not in her nightie, Miss Manners trusts -- to say something. Such as, "Honey, please put on a robe -- you're embarrassing me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my daughter got married eight years ago, my brother, his wife and five children came cross-country to be at the wedding. My daughter had wanted an evening, formal reception with no children invited.

I thought it rude, however, that after the sacrifice of time and much money to be at her wedding, she would not consider having my nieces and nephews there. So, my daughter conceded to my wishes and allowed the five children to attend the reception.

This May, one of those children is getting married. My daughter, her husband and three children were planning to attend the wedding. Then we found out that no children are invited to the reception -- because if all the children of the guests were invited, it would be chaos and expensive.

These are the same reasons my daughter didn't want children at her wedding. She had to explain to wedding guests why there were five children at the reception when all other children were not allowed to attend.

My daughter feels the bride should do the same for her.

She feels that her three children should be allowed to attend the reception simply to reciprocate the good will my daughter showed her family.

After all, how many other guests will be traveling 3,000 miles and purchasing five airline tickets, and a week's hotel stay to attend the wedding? Babysitting will also be a problem since my daughter's policy is not to leave her children with people they don't know. And my son-in-law is not happy about spending this kind of money to sit in a hotel room with his children during the reception!

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners understands this, your daughter had specific reasons for not wanting children at her wedding reception, and was embarrassed afterwards because some were allowed and others not. So she discounts her cousin's having the same reasons, and feels that she should risk the same embarrassment. (Miss Manners, in turn, discounts your argument that no other children would be eligible, unless you heard this from the hosts.)

Now, there are arguments to be made both for and against the presence of children at weddings. Miss Manners happens to believe that reasonably well-behaved ones add to the occasion, but she has heard that there is such a thing as a badly behaved child.

However, she does not care for that argument that the bride's childhood appearance created a debt that must now be paid. If your daughter is going to plead for an exception, she would be better advised to gush to the bride about how delightful it was to have children at her wedding and reminisce about how beautiful and well mannered her little cousin was.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of us are tired of looking like the bad guy because we declined an invitation to spend a night or two at a friend's vacation home. Why is it that people get upset if you do not accept their offer to join them?

Don't get me wrong, my husband and I like nothing better than enjoying our friends' company. But we prefer to wake up the next morning by ourselves, read a few newspapers and drink coffee. When my routine is thrown off I feel lousy the entire day.

This year we decided to decline these gracious invitations politely. In one case involving air travel, I suggested a compromise of staying at a nearby hotel (of course we would pay for it) and meeting after breakfast.

Well! Let's just say the reactions have been mixed, but one constant remains: The hosts still try to pressure us into staying with them or are personally offended!

Would you please remind vacation home bullies that an invitation is a request, not a law that must be followed?

GENTLE READER: Would you like a whole new set of friends? Miss Manners has a desk full of letters from vacation house owners who are exasperated by the persistence of would-be houseguests in inviting themselves.

But since you have made it clear that you like the friends you have, and only dislike being a houseguest, there should be a simpler solution.

High-pressure hospitality more often takes the form of hosts' urging guests to eat more than they want. Then one can only keep repeating "No, thank you" until they are worn down, because excuses are met with counterarguments.

But there is one reason you can offer for not staying overnight -- "We're really not good houseguests." Do not be tempted to be more specific. Of course you will surround this statement with protestations of how much you love to see the hosts -- but you must allow them to wonder whether this is because you snore, sleepwalk or tend to crash around at night breaking things.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a 60-member assessors office. Shortly after I started working there, my mother passed away. At that time, the office failed to acknowledge this, not sending flowers or even a card.

Since that time, I have noticed that the office's policy is definitely to acknowledge employees for relatives' deaths, new babies, weddings, even recently the operation of an employee's husband was acknowledged with a card and flowers.

Should I see this as possibly a very negative comment on me by my office colleagues and seek employment elsewhere? Is it appropriate for me to refuse to sign cards, etc., for the other employees? I am very hurt and I must face these people every day.

GENTLE READER: Now that you have been there longer, have you become aware of meetings in which employees' individual merits are weighed to determine whether they are worthy of receiving condolence or congratulatory cards?

Separate question: Have you noticed any small signs of inefficiency, such as are normal even in well-run organizations?

Miss Manners can assure you that what you perceive as an intentional slight was no such thing. As you have noticed, it is simply office policy to send cards. Her inescapable conclusion is that since you were a newcomer, they had not yet included you on the employee list, or they felt it was intrusive to offer sympathy to someone they didn't yet know. These would have been mistakes, but not insults.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised with the understanding that a spoon was to be used only with ice cream (unless it comes with cake) or soup (and a few other exceptions).

Lately, I notice at many family-style restaurants servers will bring a spoon with cake or pie. Somewhat understandable, I suppose, because of the number of small children served, but I can feel myself bristle. If the waiter hasn't already made his escape, I politely ask for a fork to be provided. I was especially surprised at a very upscale restaurant when only a spoon was provided to eat a firm, thick-crusted tart.

So I started doing some research. I could not find a stated rule for the use of spoons. I did come across a statement by one woman who said her mother taught her that peas were to be eaten with a spoon -- eating peas with a fork was "common." That sounds completely backward to me.

Can you help me uncover the truth about spoons? By the way, is it OK to cut (vegetables and soft meat) with a fork?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure you are up to hearing the truth about flatware? Miss Manners must warn you that there is some vicious competition going on in the most ordinary and innocent-looking place setting.

The fork is the late-comer here, having been in widespread western use for only a few centuries. But it quickly bullied its way to the top of the hierarchy and established the rule that everything that can be eaten with the fork alone should be. (And even some things that can't be, such as peas; your mother's acquaintance was sadly mistaken.)

The knife and the spoon had to settle for the leftovers. Well, not the leftovers you eat straight from the refrigerator while Miss Manners averts her eyes, but the foods that the fork had to admit it can't manage.

The knife kept the meat (but not fish) although now in partnership with the fork. The spoon still had the soup to itself, but for informal service, got only the mushy stuff, while the fork got solids, such as cake. In formal service, the fork and spoon are both presented for dessert, whatever its solidity, and can be used together. But it is easy to see which is the ranking instrument.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is in her eighth month and quite self-conscious about her appearance. It doesn't help when certain people make comments about her. In particular, one lady at church, who seems well meaning enough, remarked at how big she was last time and puffed up her cheeks to demonstrate.

My father-in-law also doesn't help when he talks about people who are round (meaning fat in his eyes).

I know it's all part of pregnancy and that she will be back to normal in due time. How can she politely communicate to these folks that they are hurting her feelings and persuade them not to say things like that in the future?

GENTLE READER: As you acknowledge, your wife will, in the natural course of events, get past this. But Miss Manners wishes she would get past it now.

There will always be people who make foolish remarks, and pregnancy seems to be a source of inspiration to them. If your wife wants to rattle them out of their thoughtlessness, she can reply to observations about her size by saying innocently, "But I'm pregnant!"

Miss Manners does not guarantee that this will put an end to it. But you and your wife will soon have a more promising opportunity to teach thoughtfulness. It's called child-rearing.

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