DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss to understand why it is acceptable to criticize someone for dressing "too well," while the opposite is totally unacceptable. Let me explain.

Last week I attended a retirement party for my husband's co-worker, which was an outdoor Mexican fiesta. I wore a festive peasant skirt (no pantyhose), sandals, a simple top and some ethnic jewelry. As soon as we walked in the door, the host literally yelled, "Hey you were supposed to dress casual for this event! What are ya doin'?" I was speechless.

Last month, a co-worker chided me with "Why are you so dressed up?" I was wearing a skirt, with a matching cardigan and, yes, pantyhose and heels. Later in the week, when I was dressed more casually in cropped pants and a logo-ed polo shirt, she expressed her approval of my attire. I regret to say that I did respond with a very sarcastic, "I'm so glad my clothes meet your approval today!"

There have been other occasions as well. In fact, this happens to me often enough that it has really begun to irk me. Should we all just dress in our sweats and pajamas? I'm certainly no fashion plate, but I do enjoy dressing in stylish clothes. And to be fair I am often complimented on my choice of clothing.

What response can I give to such boorish statements? The one I long to give is "Why are you dressed like such a slob?" But I know that would not meet with Miss Manners' approval.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, it would not. But Miss Manners can at least relieve you of the notion that criticizing someone for dressing nicely is somehow less culpable than criticizing someone for dressing sloppily.

A great many people seem to think it is. On a mission to dumb things down, they bully gentlemen to take off their ties and complain to hostesses that they should have used paper plates and napkins instead of china and linen. Presumably they want to make their own lapses into the general standard.

But they profess to believe that informality is liberating (in spite of their tyrannical attempts to impose it). So a polite answer can be, "Well, I dress as I see fit -- as I'm sure you do, too."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some friends of mine were delayed several hours returning to a campsite where I'd agreed to keep watch. It turned out that they'd had car trouble and, as there was no cell phone reception where we were camped, had no way of reaching me.

I'd known they wouldn't have been late without a good reason, and I accepted their apology. But their despair at trying to assure me that the delay wasn't their fault made me wonder: At some point does giving an involved excuse for tardiness imply disbelief on the part of the listener? Should one give an excuse for being unavoidably late, or simply apologize?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners was waiting to hear that they had chastised you for subscribing to a telephone service that had no reception at the campsite. That would have been rude.

But apologizing is not rude, even if goes on exasperatingly long, and yes, some sort of excuse is required. A mere "Sorry we're late" after you had been waiting for hours would have been infuriating. Instead of looking for a subtext, you should have ended a response you probably gave several times --"That's quite all right; sorry you had trouble" -- with "But you're here now, so let's forget about it and enjoy ourselves."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does one say (if anything) when one overhears profanity by the teenagers who hang out at the same park where one brings one's toddlers?

This is a regular occurrence where I live. The little ones play on the playground equipment, and the 12-17s hang out nearby playing catch or talking loudly. The profanity isn't directed abuse, but rather the unfortunate habits of conversational profanity that seem to be common among the younger teens. (e.g., "Harry, throw me the f_____g ball!").

In ?the past I've ignored the language, and I've also glared at the offender. Last week I spoke rather sharply to the above-mentioned Harry, stating that neither I, nor my toddlers, needed to hear that kind of language. None of these options seems correct, and the only other option I see is to deny my little ones the playground -- an option which annoys me quite a bit.

GENTLE READER: It is good of you to attempt to bring up strange teenagers when you must surely have your hands full with your own toddlers.

But then, you did not exactly take a pedagogical tone with the offenders, and you did make it clear that it is for your children's benefit that you want to clean up the playground.

It is not going to work. The days of "Yes, Ma'am, I'm sorry, please don't tell my mother" are gone. You are more likely to bring on the natural reaction to being scolded by a stranger, which will not be pleasant for you or for your children to see.

Miss Manners does not disagree with your taking offense at offensive language. But she believes that your time would be better spent setting a higher standard for your own children by speaking sharply to them when they begin to repeat words that they are bound to hear everywhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student who will be spending her summer doing Good Work, which is to say canvassing for an environmental cause. This work will involve asking for donations. Unfortunately, I am the first to recognize that this kind of work can quickly devolve into being a professional nuisance, and many people respond (not exactly without reason) to the sight of a clipboard-carrying stranger on their doorstep with dread.

I'm hoping you might be willing to give me some advice on how to conduct myself in a proper manner. I know I will be obliged to pretend to not see people ducking behind their curtains and pretending to not be at home as soon as they see me (having used that ruse a few times myself!) and must always thank people for their time even when I've been cussed out thoroughly, but I'm wondering how to handle trickier issues like forestalling people hostile to my cause from drawing me into political arguments on their front stoop, how to react to having a door shut in my face, etc.

GENTLE READER: Just keep in mind why you pretended not to be at home when you saw clipboard-carrying strangers on your own doorstop. Remembering that it can be a nuisance to be interrupted at home for a pitch, even if it is for a good cause, should prompt you to be grateful to those who listen to you, and tolerant of those who do not.

Miss Manners hopes that the latter will retreat politely. But if doors are shut in your face, you should not take it personally. And if counter-pitches are made to you, political or otherwise, you should avail yourself of the courteous negative response that your targets can use: "Thank you, but please excuse me."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of the pleasures of my life is spirited discussion and debate. I love to discuss both concrete and abstract topics. And there's no time I enjoy such discussions more than when I'm socializing with friends at a party or at a bar.

My problem is that I've long since observed that a good many persons are alienated, or feel excluded, by such discussions. Even when I avoid the more controversial issues of religion and politics, I sense that most people (outside my immediate circle) resent the implication that they should have to engage in strenuous mental activity in what is, after all, their time to relax and unwind.

I think this is entirely reasonable, and so I generally try to keep discussion light when in unfamiliar company -- following Disraeli's advice that in society nothing must be discussed. This is a small sacrifice.

But I wonder if it might be excessive -- and whether I might be inadvertently excluding potential participants. My question to you, Miss Manners, is whether there is a socially appropriate way to engage in debate or serious discussion in a party atmosphere.

GENTLE READER: Not if someone is already attempting to find out whether the bartender thinks that life has any real meaning.

Parties and bars are not the proper venue for holding serious discussions. This is not only a matter of putting the effort into thought -- it's the noise level, the interruptions to recognize other people, the noise level, and the need to refresh drinks. And did Miss Manners mention the noise level?

But such gatherings are excellent places to identify people with whom to have serious conversations elsewhere. Have you never heard of "Why don't we go some place quiet where we can talk?"

Oh, wait. That might mean something else. Mentioning coffee adds respectability, Miss Manners is given to understand.

You are probably not going to attract many partygoers by appearing to be holding a private seminar with your immediate circle. But if anyone stops to listen to an ongoing conversation, you should fill the newcomer in on what has been said, and then pause to exchange acquaintance-making questions. An interested person will soon lead you back to your topic.

A better method is the ordinary party procedure: You exchange small talk with someone new, toss out an idea or two, and see if any are tossed back, rather than let drop. Parties being what they are, your conversation will be interrupted just as it gets interesting. And that is the time for you to suggest getting together elsewhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepdaughter will marry soon. Several immediate family members have asked me to keep the bride's mother -- my wife -- under control at the wedding. At my stepson's wedding, when my stepdaughter introduced a friend to her father with, "Dad, I'd like you to meet Jane Doe; Jane, this is my father," my (sober) wife said in a loud voice, "He's just the sperm donor!"

In addition to uttering such a rude statement, I believed it poorly reflected the truth. The father of my stepchildren is an upstanding man, and met his support obligations resulting from the divorce. He has maintained a good relationship with his children, and with me.

What do I say to my wife to try to avoid a repeat performance?

GENTLE READER: "I hope you won't put me in a position where I will have to defend him in public."

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