DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of the pleasures of my life is spirited discussion and debate. I love to discuss both concrete and abstract topics. And there's no time I enjoy such discussions more than when I'm socializing with friends at a party or at a bar.

My problem is that I've long since observed that a good many persons are alienated, or feel excluded, by such discussions. Even when I avoid the more controversial issues of religion and politics, I sense that most people (outside my immediate circle) resent the implication that they should have to engage in strenuous mental activity in what is, after all, their time to relax and unwind.

I think this is entirely reasonable, and so I generally try to keep discussion light when in unfamiliar company -- following Disraeli's advice that in society nothing must be discussed. This is a small sacrifice.

But I wonder if it might be excessive -- and whether I might be inadvertently excluding potential participants. My question to you, Miss Manners, is whether there is a socially appropriate way to engage in debate or serious discussion in a party atmosphere.

GENTLE READER: Not if someone is already attempting to find out whether the bartender thinks that life has any real meaning.

Parties and bars are not the proper venue for holding serious discussions. This is not only a matter of putting the effort into thought -- it's the noise level, the interruptions to recognize other people, the noise level, and the need to refresh drinks. And did Miss Manners mention the noise level?

But such gatherings are excellent places to identify people with whom to have serious conversations elsewhere. Have you never heard of "Why don't we go some place quiet where we can talk?"

Oh, wait. That might mean something else. Mentioning coffee adds respectability, Miss Manners is given to understand.

You are probably not going to attract many partygoers by appearing to be holding a private seminar with your immediate circle. But if anyone stops to listen to an ongoing conversation, you should fill the newcomer in on what has been said, and then pause to exchange acquaintance-making questions. An interested person will soon lead you back to your topic.

A better method is the ordinary party procedure: You exchange small talk with someone new, toss out an idea or two, and see if any are tossed back, rather than let drop. Parties being what they are, your conversation will be interrupted just as it gets interesting. And that is the time for you to suggest getting together elsewhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepdaughter will marry soon. Several immediate family members have asked me to keep the bride's mother -- my wife -- under control at the wedding. At my stepson's wedding, when my stepdaughter introduced a friend to her father with, "Dad, I'd like you to meet Jane Doe; Jane, this is my father," my (sober) wife said in a loud voice, "He's just the sperm donor!"

In addition to uttering such a rude statement, I believed it poorly reflected the truth. The father of my stepchildren is an upstanding man, and met his support obligations resulting from the divorce. He has maintained a good relationship with his children, and with me.

What do I say to my wife to try to avoid a repeat performance?

GENTLE READER: "I hope you won't put me in a position where I will have to defend him in public."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wife of our neighbor committed suicide in their place two days ago. With many police, detectives, and the medical examiner all over our sidewalks for most of the evening and night, it was an unavoidable major event.

He was visibly distraught and obviously uncomfortable around the neighbors that night, and has gone away for a few days.

What can we say to him when he returns? To say nothing to him would feel like shunning him and would be cruel, yet almost anything we could say might be painful. I might add she was young and, we thought, happy; this was not an end-of-life choice for medical reasons.

GENTLE READER: You don't know that. With your lack of success in diagnosing the lady's emotional state, Miss Manners is surprised that you are now making medical pronouncements.

But you do not need to know the motivation of this lady's suicide to offer condolences to her husband. You are neither the doctors nor the coroners in this case, but merely the neighbors. And the job of neighbors is only to say how sorry they are about his loss and to offer any practical assistance they can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and his then fiancee announced via Web site post that they have decided to change their last name to a new name when they married. This caught many family members by surprise (as well as many wedding guests who had not necessarily read their Web site and then were confused when the new couple were announced as Mr. & Mrs. New Name).

It has been about a year since then, and although they use the new name in correspondence, e-mail and Web sites, they apparently have taken no steps to change their names legally, so at this point, I suppose, the new name has the status of an alias. Drivers' licenses, social security cards, checking accounts, etc., are all still in their legal names.

To what extent is the family obligated to use the new name? When we send them e-mail, cards and letters, on checks as gifts, when we introduce them to friends, when we send out intra-family address list updates?

Hard feelings were created when the new name was sprung on the family and was not immediately acclaimed to be the best idea since shoelaces. We are trying to smooth over the rough spot in the relationship, but are unsure how to proceed.

GENTLE READER: How much are you willing to annoy your son and daughter-in-law? Miss Manners assures you that refusing to use the name you know they have chosen will do a good job of that.

The invented surname is one of several solutions people have sought to the problem of representing both families when a new one is created. None of them has solved the problem, but we no longer have a standardized system of nomenclature.

It therefore behooves people to respect the individual choices that are made when these are known. Miss Manners also expects the choosers to be tolerant about when honest mistakes are made by those not in a position to know, but that excuse is of no use to you. You can either use the names they announced or you can take the consequences of becoming a constant irritant to them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and several of our closest friends are immigrants to this country. Through them, I often meet other immigrants and we generally tend to get on quite well. As we are discovering that we enjoy each other's company, I am often told that I "don't seem like an American."

I know that they mean this as a compliment, but I can't help bristling at the back-handedness of it. The implication -- that because I am bright, good-natured, tolerant, polite, I am somehow "un-American" -- is, as I'm sure you understand, an insult to my country more than it is a compliment to me. (I admit I bristle even more at the knowledge that there are bright, good-natured, tolerant, polite Americans who would take this as a compliment of the highest order.)

Generally, I affect a saddened look and try to laugh it off, saying something to the effect of: "Really? My grandmother must be rolling in her grave." But usually this only spurs them to explain that I should be flattered because Americans are generally so ugly.

When appropriate, I've enjoyed using this as a stepping stone to a discussion of perspective and personality types -- and generally I've gotten my point across -- but there isn't always room for that kind of discussion. I'm wondering what I could say at this point to defend my country and my honor without causing or betraying any consternation.

GENTLE READER: As you know, it takes more than an offhand comment to jar people out of their prejudices. Miss Manners not only commends you for undertaking those discussions, but thoroughly understands why you long for an abbreviated version.

The problem is that indication that you are not flattered by these comments will puzzle those who assume that you share their assumptions. So Miss Manners' assignment, as she understands it, is to produce something that will only vaguely trouble them, prompting them to think about it later rather than to argue with you at the time.

Try out these:

"Well, I'm working on it (seeming American)."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"But that's the beauty of America -- all of us 'look American.'"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What with the increasing lack of manners we are exposed to in America, I am in need of guidance as to when, if ever, one may correct or point out someone's rudeness.

I am especially irritated by those who plainly take advantage of those with good manners in order to get what they want, be it cutting ahead in line, blocking aisles, using cell phones, etc. Frequently those in authority will do nothing.

When is the line crossed between showing good manners and willingly being used as a doormat? I am frankly getting tired of deferring to rudeness.

GENTLE READER: Then don't practice it. One of the great sources of rudeness in this society is the bizarre notion that being treated rudely is a license to be rude oneself. Besides, it never solves anything. Retaliatory rudeness never inspires a response of "Whoops, I'm so sorry, please don't be mad." It inspires more retaliatory rudeness -- and so the cycle continues, until someone gets punched, sued or shot.

Frankly, Miss Manners is getting tired of that.

But deferring to annoying treatment is not the only alternative. The term you need is "Excuse me," as in "Excuse me, but the end of the line is over there," "Excuse me, may I please get through?" and "Excuse me, could you talk a little more quietly, please?" In many cases, that is all it takes. As for the hard cases, at least you will not have pushed them to new depths of rudeness.

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