DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a Celebration of Life for a friend who had passed a few months ago. What is the proper etiquette to attending a party like this? Do we bring a gift?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on finding the only social event left that the guest of honor has not turned into a free shopping bonanza for himself.

If you can't handle that, you could send flowers. But as the nomenclature for the event de-emphasizes death, funeral flowers may seem out of place. It is also late to send flowers and food to the bereaved, as is customary in the first weeks of mourning, and Miss Manners trusts that you have long since sent your letter of condolence.

So just go and celebrate. If Miss Manners was mistaken and your friend left a list of places he registered for the event, you may ignore it. He'll never know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you advise your gentle readers about persons of my ilk who practice the not-so-gentle art of the "cut" to get rid of the gratuitously gregarious and gabby who make nuisances of themselves?

It is my practice to tell all people who invite me into their lives or seek to enter my personal life in a civil but very firm manner that I do not wish to accept their offers or invitations to an on-the-job kaffe klatch, casual drink or other social affair. All too often, accepting "informal" verbal invitations to join a group of people at a coffee break, etc., placed me in the uncomfortable position of being in the company who are prying, or inflict their opinions on others and other obnoxious conduct.

I have strong opinions on many things. I do not discuss my opinions save with like-minded individuals. If I am regarded as eccentric, so be it.

"Don't go away mad; just go away" is my tacit message. The individual who persists in their attempts to enter my life earns my cut as my response to their conduct. If an individual becomes huffy at my declining their verbal and/or written invitations, that is their problem.

I am a very private person. I am civil when I decline offers made to me by chance acquaintances and others. The individual who persists in making offers of "friendship and fellowship" after I have clearly and firmly declined their initial "offering" is a pest. Pests, even "well meaning" pests, face the application of strong pest-control measures. All too often many individuals neglect to be civil in their misguided efforts to be "polite and friendly."

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners agrees that you should not be out in polite society.

The cut is society's strongest weapon, indicating that its target is beyond the bounds of civilization, and using it on friendly people is beyond the bounds of civilized behavior. Others should be protected from you.

But you agree.

All you need do to decline invitations is to say, "I'm so sorry, but I can't." No excuse is needed, much less a warning. When they are often repeated, you should make a vague statement about yourself, not them -- "I find I'm awfully busy these days," or "I'm afraid I'm something of a loner."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the last several years, I have become aware of an "affliction" that saddens me during the normal day-to-day among colleagues, friends and neighbors. (This list can be extended.)

How can one deal (correct word?) with nice people, saying "all the right things," without meaning any of it? It's just been driving me crazy as it seems to be occurring more and more.

GENTLE READER: This is not an affliction, Miss Manners assures you. It is a blessing.

For the last several decades, people have been saying all the wrong things that they really mean, from "I can't use this" instead of "Thank you" for a present; "Only a moron would think that" instead of "I'm afraid we disgree" in a political discussion and "You've put on a lot of weight" instead of "How nice to see you" on seeing an acquaintance.

If they are learning to say the right thing, good for them. In time, they will learn to say it more convincingly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have come upon a distressing situation, and I believe that you are able to help me. I am 25, mostly financially sound, and trying hard to become more so. I have been seeing my future husband for a year and a half now. He is also mostly financially sound. We very much want to marry, but are unable to make any solid plans because of our lack of means. (At the moment, we are looking at a two- to four-year wait from this point -- IF we must depend on ourselves alone.)

Eloping is not an option, as our families (and our mutual friends) would never forgive us for the slight, and we would feel terrible to offer insult by leaving them out of our happy day.

My mother is the crux of the problem. It is the bride's family who traditionally pays for the wedding. How do I find out from my mother if she is able to pay, or even contribute? I know she would be willing, but I also know she is not rolling in cash.

I love my beau, and very much want to marry soon, but I also love my mother and do not wish to cause her discomfort by asking her to reveal if she is impoverished.

Should we bear with the current lack of means and rely on ourselves to wed later? Or is there a tactful and loving means of determining what my mother wants to (and is able to) do?

GENTLE READER: Has the cost of a marriage license gone up so much that it will take you years to save the money for it? Otherwise, Miss Manners cannot understand why two financially sound people who want to marry find themselves in the midst of a Victorian tale of poverty and deprivation.

However, if what you two really want is to stage a wedding extravaganza that you cannot afford, she will wipe away her tears. Save up for it, then, and tell your mother that you are doing so. Parental support for weddings is voluntary, particularly in the case of children who are grown up and living on their own. But if that lady has a softer heart than Miss Manners', she may volunteer to contribute toward staging your extravaganza sooner.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the public transportation system where I live, it is the unspoken rule of the escalators that the right lane is for standing, while the left lane is for walking.

One day, I was in an enormous rush to catch the next train approaching the platform, so I was walking down the left side as fast as I could. About halfway down the long flight of steps, a woman with a walker, standing in the right lane, confronted me as I tried to pass her on the left, screaming that I didn't have the right to do such a thing -- because she was disabled, I suppose.

Because there was enough room for me to pass her without touching her or her walker, or inconveniencing her in any other way, I ignored her screams and passed her, even though she actually tried to block my passage by picking up her walker and placing it squarely in the left lane!

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but I apologized to her, due to her apparent distress, even though I kept on walking down. Did I, in fact, do something wrong that I can't see?

GENTLE READER: That depends. Did you check whether walking on the escalator was legal?

And did you look back to check whether the walker was bouncing down the stairs after you? Miss Manners would take that to mean that you had either thrown the lady off balance, or started a public fight that was escalating to escalator violence.

The fact that you apologized is appreciated by Miss Manners, if not by the person to whom you addressed it. And she can hardly blame you for getting out of the way of a screamer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with addressing correspondence to a married woman by using her husband's name. I am highly offended by seeing a birthday card for Kristen Smith addressed to "Mrs. Samuel Smith."

Since when did Kristen lose her identity? Are we not long past the days when a woman is identified solely as her husband's wife?

I am considering not changing my name or hyphenating my name, when I get married, solely to avoid being referenced as nothing more than my husband's wife.

Is it proper to ask friends/relatives not to address me in this way? Or must I keep my maiden name in order to avoid the whole scenario?

GENTLE READER: And since when did Kristen put you in charge of deciding how she should be addressed?

You should do what you like about your own married name, but you will not avoid the whole scenario. That is because there are many people who, like you, believe that they know better what people should be called than the people themselves.

This, Miss Manners regrets to say, is what comes of giving people a choice of etiquette forms. If a simple standard is in place, whatever it may happen to be, people simply use it without giving it a thought or risking causing offense. When more than one system is available, as is the case now with married ladies' names, they feel obliged to override and attack anyone who doesn't make the same choice.

Miss Manners has no idea what Kristen Smith prefers. But she is your correspondent, so why don't you ask her?

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