DEAR MISS MANNERS: On the public transportation system where I live, it is the unspoken rule of the escalators that the right lane is for standing, while the left lane is for walking.

One day, I was in an enormous rush to catch the next train approaching the platform, so I was walking down the left side as fast as I could. About halfway down the long flight of steps, a woman with a walker, standing in the right lane, confronted me as I tried to pass her on the left, screaming that I didn't have the right to do such a thing -- because she was disabled, I suppose.

Because there was enough room for me to pass her without touching her or her walker, or inconveniencing her in any other way, I ignored her screams and passed her, even though she actually tried to block my passage by picking up her walker and placing it squarely in the left lane!

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but I apologized to her, due to her apparent distress, even though I kept on walking down. Did I, in fact, do something wrong that I can't see?

GENTLE READER: That depends. Did you check whether walking on the escalator was legal?

And did you look back to check whether the walker was bouncing down the stairs after you? Miss Manners would take that to mean that you had either thrown the lady off balance, or started a public fight that was escalating to escalator violence.

The fact that you apologized is appreciated by Miss Manners, if not by the person to whom you addressed it. And she can hardly blame you for getting out of the way of a screamer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with addressing correspondence to a married woman by using her husband's name. I am highly offended by seeing a birthday card for Kristen Smith addressed to "Mrs. Samuel Smith."

Since when did Kristen lose her identity? Are we not long past the days when a woman is identified solely as her husband's wife?

I am considering not changing my name or hyphenating my name, when I get married, solely to avoid being referenced as nothing more than my husband's wife.

Is it proper to ask friends/relatives not to address me in this way? Or must I keep my maiden name in order to avoid the whole scenario?

GENTLE READER: And since when did Kristen put you in charge of deciding how she should be addressed?

You should do what you like about your own married name, but you will not avoid the whole scenario. That is because there are many people who, like you, believe that they know better what people should be called than the people themselves.

This, Miss Manners regrets to say, is what comes of giving people a choice of etiquette forms. If a simple standard is in place, whatever it may happen to be, people simply use it without giving it a thought or risking causing offense. When more than one system is available, as is the case now with married ladies' names, they feel obliged to override and attack anyone who doesn't make the same choice.

Miss Manners has no idea what Kristen Smith prefers. But she is your correspondent, so why don't you ask her?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been under the impression that when a person makes a telephone call, it is the caller who assumes financial responsibility for the conversation, except in situations where the charges are specifically "reversed." Cell phones seem to have changed these rules.

Many people now have "unlimited long-distance" plans with their cell phone company when calling other cell phone users within the same company. I do not have this kind of plan with my company and pay a high price for my minutes, whether I'm making or receiving a call. (This plan is most economical for me since I very rarely use my phone except for emergencies.)

People with these unlimited long-distance plans will call me on my cell phone because it's "free" for them, but it's rather expensive for me. What's the most polite way to ask them to call me on my landline, even though it will cost them more to do so?

GENTLE READER: "Would you mind calling me back on my landline, please?" If the caller demurs, Miss Manners suggests a chorus of "What? What? What did you say?"

There are other phrases you might find handy:

When you are asked for your cellular telephone number, it is perfectly proper to say, "Oh, I never have it on. It's quicker to reach me by -- " home telephone, office telephone, e-mail address, regular address or whatever method you prefer. Or you can say, "I'm afraid it's hard to reach me. Why don't you give me your number?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for six wonderful months and we are both attorneys. I have been intending to order some formal stationery but I am confused about how to properly identify ourselves.

I had been advised to write out our names as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, Esq. -- however, this implies that only my husband is an attorney.

What would be the proper way to identify the both of us as being attorneys? Or should I leave the Esq. off the letterhead all together?

Some of my friends have suggested that including the title is a dated and/or pretentious concept. I don't want our stationery to look like we are running a law firm from our home, but at the same time, I would like to recognize our joint achievement of having worked very hard to become lawyers.

GENTLE READER: Don't you mean that you want others to recognize it? You and he already know.

Miss Manners understands that there are occasions when you would. These would include almost all would-be business matters, and you may want the neighbors to know that you are lawyers when you politely point out that the extension they are building is on your property.

However, social writing paper does not have a joint name, because only one person can write a letter, however, many regards from the other person are mentioned. A business letterhead should not be confused with social paper, which is marked by the name, monogram or initials of the writer.

So you are probably talking about cards that would be used for invitations and enclosures with presents. Those go to friends, and reminding them that you are lawyers seems not just pretentious but ominous.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved to France six months ago for my job, and, for the most part, the experience has been wonderful. I have fallen in love with the French way of life. But one part of their system of etiquette has bothered me since I came here: the kiss "hello" and "goodbye."

I feel it is absolutely disgusting, a waste of time (as one must do it with every person that walks into a room), and a deep violation of my personal space, especially when I run into people that I don't like. I have told the Americans that I know here that I don't like it, and most of them respect that, but one always leans in for it, and does not stop pestering me until I do it.

Do I have the right as a foreigner to say that I don't like this specific part of their culture? If I do, how do I tell people that I don't want to do it, before they even lean in for it (I often have to kiss people "hello" that I have never met before, and I'm constantly meeting new people) without starting a culture war? I've tried pretending to be sick, but I cannot use that continually. Should I just tough it out?

GENTLE READER: You certainly should refrain from criticizing it as a part of French culture. This would be not only rude, but laughable, since the custom has long since spread to many parts of the United States.

Mind you, Miss Manners more or less shares your feeling about this. She does not go so far as to think social kissing disgusting and a deep violation, but she does think it silly and undignified. Dropping formality to pretend that everyone is on instantly lovey terms with everyone else, even strangers, strikes her as childish.

Wait -- isn't that what the French have always said about American manners? And don't they react with horror at the idea of American informality spreading to France?

All right, payback time. If you promise to do it with politeness and humor, Miss Manners will allow you to lie in wait for just such a complaint and then trot out the kissy-poo example.

In the meantime, she hopes you will not make an issue of it with people who are only following the prevailing convention. However, you are at liberty to minimize the effect by positioning your leaning at a parallel 4-inch distance from the face of your greeter. The classic version of this custom is air-kissing, not facial smooching.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who constantly refers to herself in the third person, i.e., ?"Jenny never eats red meat," or "Jenny loves to go to the movies!" What is the best way to deal with this wholly annoying habit?

GENTLE READER: How would Miss Manners know?

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